Help i have so much anxiety and i don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and i was sitting in a fast food restaurant, and we started discussing the topic of being friends with exes and our conversation steered into being friends with people you’ve slept with. He said that he’d break up if his girlfriend is friends with someone she’s slept with and also if it’s one of his friends, even though it’s just acquaintances.
I have had sex with our acquaintance. The person that set me and my bf up. We had a one night stand like 5 years ago, and now i’m panicking. Should i tell him? What if he breaks up with me? What would you do?
update:
I talked to him almost immediately after i made this post, i broke down and told him who i’d slept with and he just held me while i cried and explained what he meant. He told me that he meant that he’d find it weird and break up if it was someone that i had continuously had sex with. Like if we’d been sleeping with each other and moving towards a relationship. He told me that he would never break up with me over something like this, and that he loves me. Then we continued talking about it until both of us felt like the matter was solved. We’re [23F] and [22M] if that matters, i saw some people asking for our ages.
Thank you for all the advice. This is my first time being in a relationship where my feelings are validated and where my partner actually wants to communicate with me. And i’m having a hard time getting used to it, so i kinda freaked out. He also has past experiences with cheating (i won’t go into detail) so i understand where he might feel insecure.
Comments
Get rid of him now. what a stupid stupid stupid idea. Tell him that actually you’re worried because the more sex a guy has, it actually wears off his penis, and you want a full size one.
Honestly? Tell him. Better to risk having him break up with you now than have to hide it and have it be a possible huge issue later that becomes not just the act but the lying about it through omission. He sounds like a man-child, this happens pretty regularly.
You gotta be upfront about it, and who knows, he might surprise you with understanding, but either way, living a life shrouded in secrets ain’t worth the risk.
If y’all aren’t living together I’d tell him and if he follows through on what he said, then he just isn’t the one for you and that’s totally fine. There are 4,000,000,000 men out there and you’ll find your person.
Yeah better to tell him really, if he’s able to have a proper conversation about it maybe things work out, if not then breaking up is likely for the better anyways, you wouldn’t want to risk the truth coming out in a worse way eventually and then him holding that over/against you.
How old are you? This is so juvenile.
Why would you even entertain a man like that. He’s so insecure. Let him break up with you. He’d be doing you a favor.
Well, if he breaks up with you then he breaks up with you. Maybe it just means that you’re not compatible. I wouldn’t want to be with a man that slept with one of my friends, I also wouldn’t want to be with a man that ever slept with a prostitute. Some women don’t mind, I do. We all have preferences.
There’s someone better out there for you that wants you for who you are and the life you’ve lived.
It’s so weird to me that people are bothered by who people had sex with before they were in a relationship. You didn’t do anything wrong, it’s his insecurities and that’s on him.
Maybe if he’s gonna be so petty about this, he’s not the person for you.
If it’s actively stressing you out then you’re better off ripping the bandaid off and risking losing him than living with this “secret” – unimportant as it seems to other people – eating away at you for the rest of your time together.
Tell him. He’ll be shocked but I doubt he’ll break up with you. And if he does, then better you find out who he really is now rather than later. No big loss.
You should tell him. If he’s going to break up with you over it better to do it now then when you’re married and/or have kids. You didn’t do anything wrong, but if that’s something he cares about he needs to know now. If you don’t tell him, you’ll forever live in fear of the day he eventually finds out. Take control of the situation before you’re just along for the ride.
Honestly if he can’t comprehend that this happens, and it’s fine, you’re better off without him.
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If it’s causing you this much anxiety you should tell him. Either way, you didn’t do anything wrong and he’s allowed to have dealbreakers, and might not be mature enough to handle this information.
A lot of these comments do not pass the vibe check. Fun fact, you don’t need to be date someone for whatever reason. I know many women who would not date a guy who slept with people they know. This is a preference thing, not always insecurity. I agree with most comments, just tell him. If you’re incompatible on this there may be more things and it’s better to find out sooner rather than later. Not sure how long yall been dating but if the relationship is strong, he’s not going to want to lose you over this.
So what if he breaks up with you? There’s plenty of fish in the sea.
I would’ve responded “So you’re breaking up with me?” to get a reaction out of him. 💀
You need to tell him. You now know that this is information that would make him reconsider the relationship, and not telling him is removing his ability to make informed consent about continuing the relationship. If he decides it’s a dealbreaker, you’ve gotta respect his decision. Best of luck OP!
You should tell him, and say that you’re sad you have to break up now, but that’s his choice and you respect that.
Why did he talk to you as if you are not his gf?
Lying to a partner to manipulate them into staying with you is wrong. By refusing to provide the information when you know they have a deal breaker, you are selfishly taking away their agency and saying your needs are more important than theirs.
A happy and healthy relationship has to be founded on trust and respect between all partners. It is just that, a partnership; you need to work together to make it work.
lol all these people here are lying. Yall are telling me you wouldn’t feel a little discomfort if you found out the person that set you up with a girl was banging her prior? Maybe it’s the norm with small town people since there isn’t much of a dating pool.
That should have been the first thing said when hookin someone up. “Hey I tried to make it work with this girl, it didn’t but I think you guys would really hit it off.”
I’m friends with two of my partner’s ex girlfriends – one of them is actually my hair dresser, the other is one of our closest friends. He’s also friends with the guy a dated before him.
You know why? Because we’re freaking adults that aren’t insecure.
I mean, if the relationship or hook up etc didn’t end on a bad note, and you both realized you don’t actually want to be together in a romantic way… then why the hell wouldn’t you be friends with an ex or someone you once slept with?
I’d be more worried about dating someone that was not friends with a single ex… because it would likely be them that’s the problem in relationships lol.
The only ex I’m not still friends with is my abusive ex husband – cause… reasons lol.
Tell him. If he breaks up with you, that’s on him. And honestly, if it’s going to be an issue it’s better to know now. I had a bf once who was insanely jealous of my past sexual history; some with exes, some with flings. It was a huge issue for us because of him (I didn’t care who he had slept with previously), and I wish I had dumped him sooner honestly.
Definitely tell him. He’s either going to break up with you or he’s not.
He will likely definitely break up with you if you don’t tell him and he finds out later, especially since you’ve had this conversation. Best to get it over with.
Just break up with him citing this as why.
Thank god you’re not lesbians
I’d tell him.
It’s a good test of:
Do his actions match his words. He made some big statement there so will he follow through?
It’s the truth and trust always comes out.
Personally I wouldn’t date soneone with this viewpoint – often people date within social circles and I’d rather soneone be able to stay friends with an ex than go scorched earth.
Edit: the more I think about it, the more he set himself up. Either he is absolutely full of shit if he doesn’t break up with you or he does and you’re free of a weirdly jealous person.
Being honest ≠ disclosing every sexual partner & sexual experience you’ve ever had. No one owes their partner their entire life story. That’s just ridiculous.
There’s no valid reason for me or my husband to know every person we’ve slept with prior to our relationship. His sexual past is not my business & vice versa. What matters is now, & our past together as a couple.
A person who holds your past against you is not someone equipped to be in a mature & healthy relationship. Neither is someone who feels entitled to know everything about your past sexual experiences.
You didn’t do anything wrong, but you can’t change the past and you can’t decide what is or isn’t a dealbreaker for your partner.
Tell him what happened, and ask him if there is anything you can do that would make him more comfortable with the situation. Would he be more comfortable if you talk about it more? Would he be more comfortable if you never brought it up again? Would he be more comfortable if you avoid being alone with your acquaintance in the future?
If he can’t accept any of this, then there’s nothing you could have done – you just have incompatible values. He also might ask you to do something that you feel is unreasonable – if you aren’t willing to completely cut out this person for instance, stand your ground.
But hopefully, by framing the situation as “what can I do to make you comfortable,” it will help him to see that you can’t change the past but that you are considering his feelings.
It could be a good opportunity to see how he behaves in situations of conflict. Is he open to compromise, or does he make unreasonable demands? But if he tries to make you feel like a bad person, you don’t have to accept that. He is allowed to have certain expectations of a partner, but you can’t be blamed for failing to meet those expectations when it relates to something that happened before you even met.
He deserves to know the truth regardless how anyone feels about what his dealbreaker is.
The usual political advice is to get out in front of a scandal before it gets too big, and I think that applies here as well. Maybe tell him something like this:
> The other day you said something that I interpreted to mean that you’d break up with someone if she’d slept with anyone you knew, or stayed friends with someone after sleeping with them. I don’t want a relationship with secrets or lack of trust, so you should know that five years ago, I had a one-night stand with Bob, the guy who set us up. If I hadn’t stayed friends with him after that, we would never have started going out, and maybe what we have between us is good enough that you’ll rethink your opinions about staying friends with someone you slept with. Or maybe it isn’t. But you stated a specific boundary and if that’s really how you feel then this is something I think you need to know.
If he’s going to break up with you, get it over with now. It’ll be a hundred times worse if you stay together and then he finds out a year from now and breaks up with you then, because he’ll accuse you of keeping this a secret, and he’ll be correct to say so.
The truth will set you free. Either he doesn’t care as much as he stated, or he breaks up with you. Either way, this axe hanging over you of “him finding out” or the friend blackmailing you or telling him all goes away.
He’s entitled to have dealbreakers. You should tell him the truth and deal with the fallout. If he breaks up with you, it’s for the best long term as he’s not the one for you.
You gotta tell him. The reaction will be 1000 times worse if he finds out through someone else.
I would tell him.
There’s a chance he already knows, and this is just his back pocket get out of jail free card (this is really icky but truly wouldn’t surprise me).
There’s a chance he doesn’t know and then you’ll have to keep it from him for forever, which is dishonest and unlikely to work out in the long run.
Lots of folks saying to just dump him, personally I do think this conversation is a bit of a red flag, but I think the more meaningful knowledge comes when you tell him.
You should tell him. If you know it is a dealbreaker for him, it is important he knows. What he does with that information is up to him.
I see some comments saying it is such a red flag which, I am sorry, is not. Just like people who don’t want to date someone with a kid or a dog, your bf is allowed to not want to date someone who slept with the friend or theirs or acquaintance in your case. Don’t panic though, it does not mean you were wrong or anything but you will be wrong if you withhold this information knowing he would be against it. Imagine if it was the other way around and he did something that is an absolute dealbreaker for you, you would probably want to know.
Nobody is bad or having red flags in this situation. I feel like people “red flags” everything they don’t like. I know some people in friends groups where everyone has slept with everyone at some point and then some groups where it never happened and nobody would want that, both groups are fine and there is nothing wrong with having preference like that.
Tell him. You’ll feel better and won’t be hiding anything from him. He isn’t the last man in the world, so don’t panic over it. Trust me, this isn’t something to dwell on or take too hard. Don’t be scared of him leaving you, I know it might hurt but it is not the end of the world. Moving forward you might find someone right for you, and at the right time.
What you did isn’t bad or good, you just did it, it happened and that’s it. Don’t feel ashamed about it. You decide to sleep w whoever you want and that’s okay.
Yeah, skimming through this finding all the people that are probably the cause of the friend group collapsing.
He probably doesn’t want to be compared or gossiped about. I think if you figure out *why* he cares that might be a better place to start. Likely a one night stand five years ago is nbd.
I would talk about it. First to make clear that you both share a friendship with the same person and that you having had a one night stand with them shouldn’t stand in the way of that friendship. His threat to break up is an insult to you because it insinuates that he doesn’t trust you.
Second to see if his sudden reaction has underlying reasons (perhaps a past relationship went behind his back with an ex and friend) or if he’s just jealous and a control freak. For me the former could be resolved by talking about it, the latter is pretty certainly a red flag to break up over – jealousy only gets worse over time.
But don’t let him make you afraid of what you can or can’t say. Stand still and realize that such is a form of control over you. You shouldn’t walk on egg shells thinking about what you can and can’t say. That’s no solid grounds for any relationship.
edit: As a general rule of thumb, I’ve found it prudent to break off friendships or relationships with the person who tries to force me to choose between them and someone else.
Break up with that insecure (and frankly weird) guy, who values you and your relationship based on your sexual history.
The other problem is the relationship is such that you are afraid to be honest about your past. You don’t owe anyone your sexual history but if it’s going to blow up your relationship, that’s not a solid relationship.
He is waving around that massive red flag. He planted a bomb in your relationship. Don’t sit around and wait for it to go off.
The way this is phrased, sounds like he already knows. He specifically brought up the scenario of his friend/only an acquaintance? He knows. He’s testing you.
Put your cards on the table. It’s better to be honest and single than spend your entire relationship waiting for the hammer to drop.
Girl.. you know he likely wouldn’t consent to this relationship any longer and you’re wondering if you should tell him the truth? This is so not ok.
Personally, I am friends with people I’ve had sex with before. Ive also dated people who remained friends with exes or past hook ups. I don’t care. But I’ve always disclosed these things. I have also ended relationships with men who lied about it (even tho I don’t care about the history at all). Its about integrity.
Have the conversation with him. Be very clear you understand this is a deal breaker for him and you respect him enough to be upfront about it. So what if he leaves? You don’t share the same values, and both of you deserve someone who is a better fit.
Many comments saying tell him – it’s really your choice but I’m a big fan of ignorance is bliss. If I was him and I loved you I wouldn’t want to know.
Whatever your decision is, decide it right away. Either tell him now or tell him never.
Break up with the insecure misogynist and find someone who doesn’t try to claim ownership over your body and understands that you existed before he came along.
Just tell him and in the same breath break up with him. Why would you want to be with someone who thinks like that anyway?
Being in a relationship where I’m afraid to share ANYTHING does not work for me (trust me, I have tried!).
I’m now married to someone with whom I have never once felt that stomach-clenching fear of sharing anything from my past or present. I highly recommend it. ❤️❤️
do you really want to be with a guy who makes you feel the way you do, when you obviously haven’t done anything wrong?
Did he say whether or not he would also “break up” with the same friend or acquaintance?
That’s tough lol I’m sorry girl
My wife asked me not to communicate with my exes when one reached out via social media after 10 years of no contact. I understood why.
Here it is a bit different i know, but seems you talked it out – nice job, thats the key here (and in most things), clear communication. I am impressed, took me until my mid thirties to figure that out 🙂
This sub has a habit of quickly jumping to “leave” as the only path forward, which is depressing.
When you’re older, and if this relationship ends, (not saying it will, but life happens) this might start to be less of an issue. I am still in touch with about half of my exes, some as closer friends, some more like acquaintances. My wife has no issue with me socializing with them, and she has met most of them. I make a point of always being up front if I’ve spoken to one or if I plan to meet them. A couple of them have stayed with us when traveling.
The key is that I have zero interest in rekindling anything, and if I were to sense that they are feeling that, then I don’t see them.
Likewise, she’s still in touch with her (fewer, but still a number) of friends, some of whom were college FWBs, and we all get together every year with her college GFs and guy friends and their families. The crucial thing is trust and openness.
The relationship is doomed – play out all of the scenarios. The only way it will survive is if you tell the whole truth and break it off yourself. See what happens from there.
His explanation doesn’t actually make it any better OP.