My bf (48M) was the titular all star athlete and popular party guy in high school and during his 20’s. I (45F) had my share of fun and think back kindly from time to time but let’s just say those days are nothing but a fond memory.
We’ve been together almost a year and while we all have a right to reminisce I’m finding myself more and more frustrated at hearing about all the girls he’s slept with and the wild behavior every single day. No matter what we’re doing there will be something that reminds him of his glory days and off he goes down memory lane.
My feelings about this are complicated by the fact he struggles with ed and refuses to seek help for our sex life yet wants to brag to me about his sexual conquests since the age of 12. I have developed a jealousy for women I don’t even know and I’m lost as to how I can address all of this without really hurting his feelings and could really use some advice. *TL;DR;
Comments
This has peaked in high-school energy.
Is his name Al Bundy and does he sell shoes to fat women at the mall?
Start telling him about your exciting past sex life. Either he’ll get the hint, or maybe it’ll turn him on and help with his ED problem?
Also, more seriously, what are his future goals and ambitions? Maybe help him to try to see and have a vision for his future.
We do have a right to reminisce and at the same time, the listener doesn’t have to listen ——
I understand brining it up once- but after that-
I’d ask, “don’t you have guys you can share this with?” Or “Why do you feel the need to keep sharing you’ve already shared with me about when you were a kid?”
Reverse the scenario, and hes jealous of you.
He’s probably stuck in his glory days because of his ED. Men are raised being told that you should crave sex constantly, get rock hard at the slightest of arousal, and be able to perform at the drop of a hat. This is fine when you’re young, but then middle age hits and things stop working like they used to. Now the desire is still there, but the body just doesn’t respond. Now you’re mortified in front of the woman you’re supposed to ravish, and you want to ravish. But you can’t, and she thinks it’s her fault because she’s used to the same unbridled lust that you feel.
Now youre really fucked. Not only are you failing as a man, but the woman youre with thinks its her fault, or that there is something wrong with her. Now you cant satisfy her or protect her from being upset. Two of the cornerstones of being a man.
Im sure he’s only telling you these stories of his past conquests as a deluded way of saying; “Don’t give up on me, I used to be an Adonis and Im sure I can get there again!”
He needs support and to see a doctor. He’s probably feeling very alone and maybe avoiding confronting the issue. With some support and nudging in the right direction he can probably get his groove back.
>frustrated at hearing about all the girls he’s slept with and the wild behavior every single day.
That’s.. so disrespectful. Why are you worried about hurting his feelings when his insecurities cause him to be completely neglectful of yours?
It’s time for a direct and honest conversation. Tell him exactly how you feel. And consider, if he’s not willing to get help, do you want the rest of your 40s to be in a sexless relationship while also being disrespected daily?
He lives in the past, and refuses to do anything to fix his present with you. ED it’s nothing to be ashamed of, there’s tons of resources that can help both of you, but he’s not taking them. It’s great that he has wild days to reflect on, but that impacts your life zero. 45F you may think you’re old, but you’re not, you still have time to make your life. He refuses to take action which tells me that he’s not worried about your feelings, yet here you are, not validating your feelings and prioritizing his. I’ll tell you my mom’s advice: 90% of the time we make our own problems.
You are making your own problems by taking on the problems of another person that refuses to do anything about them. So instead of living your best life, you’re stuck
He’s giving me the ick even through this post. Girl…