Me [20F] and my bf [20M] been together from almost a year and its been a constant fight on how he always gets defensive and takes away his phone anytime i even touch it or see it for something very basic as looking at the calculator or ordering food when we’re together? I was never a person who would not trust their partner and snoop into their phone. Im all for privacy but I also believe that using each other’s phone normally shouldn’t be something where you get so defensive? I simply have tried to use it a at times for ordering food or using some simple apps and he has always instantly closed his phone? It really does not make me feel good.
We communicated about it almost 5-6 times that I wish he wouldn’t be so defensive about it and just let me use it sometimes? But now I have stopped trusting him much on this and feel even more the urge to snoop through every app cause what if he is hiding something? It matters to me whether or not it should be allowed and i guess he should respect that and not keep doing this. Yet again he did the same thing. What should i do? I would appreciate some advice
TL;DR bf wont let me see or touch his phone and it does not make me feel good.
Comments
Why do you need to use his phone? Do you not have your own? Honestly this says more about your control issues than it does about his defensiveness.
Phones are private spaces, but if he’s that sketch about the phone, you can choose to date someone who doesn’t act that way.
You don’t need to use his phone and he doesn’t need to use your phone or stop letting him have any access to your phone.
I think mobiles are a pain in the butt in a relationship. Talk to him and explain how you feel and what you’re thinking. If he loves you he’ll have a decent enough answer why but it doesn’t look good hiding or grabbing your phone when you want to use it.
I’ll be real, it’s not a good look. Speaking from my own experience, I have no issue letting my girlfriend use my phone for those same things because I have nothing to hide, and our relationship is fairly new (~2 months)
If you don’t feel like you can trust him, just break it off. Can’t have a proper relationship if there’s no solid foundation built on trust
I think that’s weird how defense he’s being, especially if you’re just looking at his phone as he’s ordering food. My husband and I have full access to each other’s phones / computers. I don’t ever use his stuff and he doesn’t use mine, but we know that if we needed to for something it’s really not a big deal.
>? I was never a person who would not trust their partner
But now I have stopped trusting him much on this
what if he is hiding something?
you are actually not trusting your partner.
Either break up or let the issue go.
Sounds like a common struggle. He wants his independence. Do you have a phone? Does he have access to it? Just let it go, unless you want to break up over the idea that he’s cheating or hiding something. What I’ve done is let the idea go because ultimately I do trust my man, and value his need for independence, it’s made him who he is. In response, after months of anxiety and hitting brick walls, I locked my phone and devices down. It led to him getting a little paranoid, that dynamic shifted a bit. But I gave him the exact responses he gave me when questioned, as I don’t really have a reason other than to assert my own independence. He didn’t take it as an offense directly, didn’t start accusing me of things, and that helped build trust for me.
As someone that has been cheated on before and has trust issues, this was a huge problem for us for months. But I think we’re on the right track forward. Now I can use his computer but he can’t use mine and I don’t need to use his computer so I don’t. If he asked to look at mine I would let him, and we did have that conversation. He regularly offers me his phone to do random stuff like food orders or show me memes or even text threads now. It’s really a big nothing burger stemming from my own damn trauma. So idk, what do you think it comes from for you?
He’s probably afraid you will snoop through it, which you are now planning on. What is his reasoning for it?
Everyone’s phones have information on them that we wouldn’t want our partners to see, like us venting to our friends about shit our partners do, among other stuff. Everyone also is entitled to some measure of privacy, even in a relationship. Unless he’s given you reason not to trust him, I don’t think him not wanting to give up the entirety of his privacy in a relationship should necessarily be justifiable cause for distrusting him, and the fact that you think that you’re entitled to start snooping through his apps pretty much justifies him not letting you handle his phone.
Honestly, I would just drop it. It’s really not a big deal. I’m not sure why you would need his phone anyway. It just gives off that you dont trust him. My husband and I don’t see or use each others phones unless one of ours just doesn’t work or something.
Not a great look on his or your part both to be honest
He is being sketchy / shady but also why do you find yourself needing to use his phone so frequently? I dated a girl for 4 years and I can’t remember ever interacting with her phone other than to plug it in for her or something, no less actually opening it to use it’s functions
Why don’t you use your own phone for these things? Why do you need to use his phone?
I don’t understand the other first two comments. Never once have I been in a relationship with someone who was uncomfortable with me using their phone for the simple things you described. My partners have always known the passwords to my phone, or I give it if they forgot and they need to use my phone for something, and vise versa. It’s no biggie when both parties have nothing to hide.
Yes, privacy is important. Which is why I’ve never gone digging through their phone, nor have I had any reason to believe they went digging through mine. Just quickly using it for the task at hand and nothing more.
I wouldn’t jump straight to the conclusion that he’s cheating. He could be hiding porn or nudes, which you’re also perfectly valid in being uncomfortable with. I would also not be comfortable with my boyfriend constantly looking at pictures of other women naked.
Do not snoop through his phone. That level of privacy invasion is unwarranted given you’re both so young and have only been dating a year. I would, however, reconsider being in a relationship with someone who makes you feel like you can’t trust them, and who clearly does not trust you.
I understand you. Sometimes my husband hands me his phone if we’re expecting an important call and he goes to nap, or he hands me his phone sometimes when he wants me to order food for us. He also sometimes use my phone in the same situations or if his phone is charging. None of us snoops through each others phones when we have access. I find it really weird that he’s acting so shady, I would suspect he’s hiding something. Might be smart to rethink your relationship
I’m seeing a lot of people saying its normal to not occasionally use a partner’s phone in a LTR. I personally think this is weird. I would also assume my partner was hiding something from me in your shoes. Have you asked him why? And if so, what were his reasons? I think more info is warranted about what he says when he is having these “defensive” reactions you referred to for us to make a proper call here. Everyone is entitled to privacy, but this (imo) extends beyond normal privacy when you’re just using the phone in front of him to use the calculator app or order food. Maybe he has had past partners who had zero respect for his privacy and he’s overcompensating in this relationship to gain back a sense of control? That’s my best guess.
I could see this being something I break up with someone over. Trust is a 2-way street. He can trust you not to use more than the apps he says he’s comfortable with while nearby, and you can trust him enough to not snoop past his boundaries.
But the boundary being “don’t touch my phone ever” is a lot.
He has a right to privacy, and you don’t get to override that because you think it should be “normal”. He doesn’t have to view things the way you do.
If you don’t want to be with a person who wishes to have his phone be private, then this is not your guy.
Seems he’s got something to hide if he’s that protective of his phone. He’s either cheating or has some kind of addiction he’s hiding there. Idk, can you really tolerate that in a relationship? Having secrets from each other?
Date someone else once the sex gets bad . It always does
you’ve stopped trusting him so the relationship has run its course. you break up because you’re incompatible.
we date to find out of were compatible longterm, you two aren’t. there’s nothing wrong with that. but don’t keep trying to force it when it’s not working. trust is fundamental in a relationship.
I’m like this because my ex constantly monitored me. My husband understands and it’s nbd because I told him openly what the deal was when we got together. I think especially if you admit you have the urge to snoop he probably gets that vibe from you and is naturally being protective of his privacy. You’re not entitled to see his private conversations with his friends and family, for example.
My first question is, is there consent. Being a significant other doesn’t give you automatic access. I am not defending shady and un-loyal behavior, but I will defend boundaries and property respect. You are not entitled to grab his phone, even for the most basic thing. Consent needs to be practiced more. And if there’s doubt about his intentions with you, then that has to be a serious discussion about the longevity of your relationship.