As the title states my bf of only 1 month and a few weeks dropped a bomb on me this 4th of July while at his family’s lake house that he plans to engage me during our trip to the Virgin Islands in August.
I thought this was a joke initially so I laughed, to which he responded that he was serious and had already been looking at rings since he knows what cut I like. I simply told him we’d talk about it later because I was in shock and couldn’t possibly fathom how he thinks we are remotely ready to be engaged.
I mentioned that maybe we should wait and he was visibly hurt so I’ve been using “let’s talk about it later” as a way to brush it off.
For background context, him and I are obviously in an age gap relationship, and I love it. Having previously gotten out of a relationship where my ex thought it was funny to piss on me in the shower and fling piss on me after using the bathroom the evident maturity difference is crazyyyy lol. My bf is amazing, when I crash at his place he wakes up early to make me breakfast and a matcha latte, he spent two weeks learning how to make a dessert from my culture simply because I mentioned it’s my favorite.
Conversation flows effortlessly between us, we share a deep love of travel, he also shares my desire to not have children which is a big one, and he always puts me first. However, I’m still getting to know him better and don’t have any desire to get engaged until years from now. How do I go about this conversation without feelings getting hurt? Sorry for the essay 🤣.
tl;dr : my bf of only 1 month wants to engage me during our planned trip how do I tell him I don’t want to without hurting his feelings?
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You stop trying to put his feelings before yours. If he’s doing something as inappropriate as proposing after one month, he’s truly EARNED those hurt feelings.
The reason he’s with a woman half his age is because he needs to grow up. Don’t baby him,
“You’re a great boyfriend, and I like you a lot, but a month is way too soon to get engaged. Let’s talk about this later, in [amount of time you’d need to feel comfortable discussing marriage].” If he’s a reasonable person, he’ll understand this. (And if he reacts badly, or tries to spring a public proposal on you, that’s valuable information for you to know.)
I’m glad he treats you well, but this is an INSANELY short time to be together before getting engaged. You haven’t had any chance to see each other through different life circumstances, weather a storm together, etc. Honestly, it’s hard not to feel suspicious about his motives.
If his judgment is this skewed, I don’t know if you can stop him being hurt. But I think you just have to be open with him that you look forward to getting to know him better and sharing many more experiences, and that this period of growing together is beautiful and you dont want to rush it. And remind him how young you are!
There is a middle ground between ‘pees on you for the lolz’ and ‘lovebombs and rushes things’.
Please, please don’t get guilted into saying yes. And if he accuses you of not loving him or being immature for saying not yet, note the red flags.
RUN.
Honestly people that act like that, often are extremely low quality humans who don’t take commitment seriously. A man should be really intentional when proposing, turning every stone over, knowing for a fact the person he is proposing too is the one. It should be the most important decision of his life and if he doesn’t treat it like that he either doesn’t take marriage seriously or he knows he is not high value so he better get you quick before you find out he is low quality and leave. Just me take on the love bombing!
You politely tell him that, at your ages, you both have personal issues you need to sort.
NOPE. DON’T DO IT. Yes this is in all caps situation. Your history with your ex tells me that you make bad decisions, and that your bar is really low. There is a huge age Gap here and you are in danger. Let me put it this way, this is hypothetical, for the purposes of illustrating a point, I get that it’s illegal and that you should never date a child. If you 21F, were to start dating a 16 year old boy. Given your age, your experience, and even your finances, you would be 100% able to manipulate and control him. That’s what a 38-year-old man will do to you. You don’t have the maturity or the experience to defend yourself against the emotional/physical/financial manipulation that you’re setting yourself up for. I am truly scared for you.
I used to be scared of the dark, I came from a very religious family, and I was scared that the devil would come and get me in the dark at night. My grandmother said to me, if the Devil comes for you, he’s going to come for you as a beautiful being so you will go with him, he’s not going to come to you as a devil, because if he does that you will be scared and not go with him. This is an analogy, but it works in this instance.
That’s crazy. Engaged share a few months. He’ll get u pregnant and change. Hes nearly old enough to be your dad. It’s great now, but all that will disappear soon enough.
He’s trying to impress you and it’s obv worked. You have to think about why he really wants to get engaged, not the stuff he tells you.
I’d say just leave and find someone else
Don’t string him along. Tell him that right now the answer is “no”. It’s way too early and you can’t possibly say “yes” until you’ve had some time to get to know him.
he either knows what he wants and finally found someone who checks all the boxes or he’s love-bombing u & wants to get a commitment from u so he can stop trying so hard. either way, tell him u need more time to get to know him.
btw, was ur ex an r kelly fan? wtf lol
(38:2)+5=24.
I know you’re an adult but that is a huge age gap. I’m in an age gap relationship myself. But looking back with more maturity and experience in life I can say it is always the older ones ready to wife some young thing asap. It’s okay to think it’s too soon and for him to be pushing this soon or to be upset you don’t want to just jump in shows his true maturity level…
Just tell him outright.
“Sorry I don’t want to marry you right now, but if you and I still feel the same a year or so from now sure”
You’re both still in the honey moon period give it time, get to know his flaws not just his strengths
Way too soon. The guys a loon get rid of him.
lol the age gap explains everything that is wrong
Listen, I won’t tell someone that you can’t do that. My hubs and I talked for 3 months before we met, and once we did, we were inseparable. A month later, we were engaged and moving in together.
But here’s the thing I didn’t have doubt, I didn’t question it. It all felt right. We will be celebrating 20 years married this year.
So because you’re questioning it, I would definitely wait, but you need to have a conversation with him. Ask him to please wait, that you are flattered, but you two are still getting to know how the other ticks. That you dont want to end it, but maybe put engagement on the back burner and allow you guys time to continue to get to know each other.
But the other thing that kinda would worry me is the age difference. We read so many stories in here about young girls hooking up/marrying/living with these much older guys, and those guys are sweet a d kind and love bombing till they win them over and BAM! They turn into abusive or controlling or get lazy and expect the girl to take care of everything.
Be careful. Keep your eyes open for red flags.
Love bombing.
He wants to lock you in because his chances of finding another 21 year old are probably pretty low. Your ex sounds immature and toxic. I’m sorry to say but aside from physical attraction it’s not healthy for a 38 year old man to be attracted to a 21 year old. But if you are both happy with that, that’s that. Just make sure you are not pressured into something.
Getting into a relationship with someone that much younger is kind of predatory (I mean what would you think if your ex BF would be with a 38 year old woman now, kind of strange right). So chances are he turns out to be a very different person once it’s harder for you to get away. Just be careful. There is no reason to rush an engagement if you plan to stay together.
It’s great that you feel better than in your previous relationship but talk of engagement after one month is absolutely insane.
There just is no way to tell him you don’t want that without hurting his feelings but it’s something that needs to be done. Saying no I mean. And then having a good look what his reactions might be.
I mean it’s obviously crazy what your ex did as well as disgusting. And you’re right, it’s far removed from being mature. But your current partner is also far removed from reality and maturity when he thinks it’s appropriate or normal to bring up engagement after a month.
That age gap is what it is and has some serious implications of it’s own to consider but I’d be very careful about this all.
You’re still young but an adult and this guy is trying to push into something that you’re clearly not ready for. Do not just brush it off like it’s a joke cause it’s not for him, he’s apparently serious. You need to put a stop to it an stand by what you believe and want – or don’t want.
RUN.
You’re half his age and he’s talking about engagement after a month.
This will not end well.
There’s a reason a nearly 40 year old man preys on a young woman: women his age won’t put up with his shit. He sees you as easy to control and manipulate. Prove him wrong by leaving.
Nope! Tell him you are firm on getting to know him at least a YEAR!
Otherwise it’s over, because he’s moving too fast.
It’s easy to pretend to be someone else for a month, three months, for some people even a year or two. You’ve got to spend real time with someone to really get to know who they are. You need to be together through some difficulties, some inconveniences, some frustration. You need ti know how they handle setbacks, problems, misunderstandings. You simply can’t get that in a month.
The rush to engage plus the age gap looks to me like he knows he’s a shitbag and he thinks you’re an idiot he can trap to be his bang maid. The fact that you’re also from different cultures also feels like a red flag if he’s a white man. Juuuuust saying.
Big fat NO!
What’s his hurry? He wants to lock you down before the real him surfaces imo.
You can’t turn him down without hurting his feelings but that is no reason to accept this very accelerated timeline he is running with.
Tell him clearly and without question that if he goes ahead with his planned proposal that the answer will be no, that you are not interested in getting engaged for several years.
He may try and do a public proposal so as to pressure you to say yes, so prepare yourself for that possibility and don’t allow yourself to be manipulated in that way.
You’re going to regret being with him. He’s trying to lock you down because of your age, that’s not love all and actually worse because it proves at this age he still doesn’t know what he’s doing or wants.
He sounds really immature for someone so close to 40.
Girl, get away from this OLD ASSS MAN.
He been great… sure… because anybody can be great for a month…
This is your first huge red flag, stick around to see many many more…
Sorry OP but I get the feeling this is an act and as soon as you get engaged he’ll go from Jekyll to Hyde
You BARELY know him after a month and why is he rushing you so much? 🚩🚩🚩
I think you need to walk away and be single for awhile
Read the title. Nothing else. Run.
So this is a very big warning sign of future abuse, just fyi, and experts will literally tell you to watch for it. A lot of abusers try to lock you down as fast as possible so when they start abusing you, you can’t leave.
No healthy, well-adjusted person wants to marry someone after a month. He literally does not know you and he wants to marry you. That should be setting off big alarm bells.
Some of us like being pissed on in the shower.
I don’t fw immature people, though