Let me start by saying I’m a very direct person. I state how I feel and what I think openly, feeling as though I can’t expect others to know what I want or feel unless I tell them. At least for the most part. I am very aware of myself and will try to reserve getting angry about something without knowing the full story or intention of the person I’m interacting with. So I’ll ask questions to make sure that I am understanding the situation and not jumping to conclusions. This is my norm and has been for years.
I (35F) started dating a guy we’ll call Raul (37M) about 3 months ago, and up to now, things have been great. We were friends for a couple of years before we ever started dating and despite some bits of drama between us that came up randomly, things have been wonderful, that is until recently.
He’s been spending a lot of time at my house, which I have no issue with. I trust him to not damage my house or steal from me and have even gave him a set of keys so that he can check on my dog for me when I have to work out of town. It’s been very convenient for many reasons, one being that he will make me lunch most days when I go home for lunch. Each time he makes me lunch, I make sure to thank him and tell him how good it is, what I like about it, etc. He’s very proud of his ability to cook and I know how much this means to him so I ensure to praise his cooking each time. He’s got some insecurity issues, which I don’t mind helping him to overcome. These issues at times extend to him being worried about me wanting him or me straying, and again, I do my best to help him overcome these insecurities. Even going as far as to show him who I’m texting when he starts to get concerned because I don’t have anything to hide and want him to feel secure. I get him little gifts randomly; a robe he said he wished he had, a tool that he had found interesting, some boots that he said he wanted but couldn’t afford.
The point is, I try to make sure to make him feel appreciated and loved.
Today I went home for lunch and he was there. I was happy to see him and gave him a kiss, then asking how his day has been. After a bit of just normal chit chat, I notice that he had moved stuff around on the living room table. Everything had been moved to the right side (my side) and the left side was completely cleared and dusted. Just feeling a bit cheeky, I smirked and said “Oh, so your style of cleaning is pushing everything to one side, huh?” Mind you, I know his style of cleaning isn’t that and he knows that I know this too. We’ve literally had cleaning dates where all we did was clean.
At first he laughed, and said he didn’t do that, that he just put my stuff on my side. Continuing the playful banter, I pointed out the items that weren’t mine that had been on the other side of the table just that morning. He laughed and then asked my dog, “Why is mommy being such a b***h?” At first I laughed off the comment, thinking it was just him bantering back, but then he said, “Want me to leave?” To which I told him no, that I wasn’t mad or anything, that I was just picking on him a little. That I didn’t mean anything by the joke. Now, if he wasn’t the type to joke around, I could see why he might think I was being mean. But he’s always making jokes at my expense and picking on me. So I didn’t see any problem with joking around back.
Things seemed alright after that and I gave him a kiss, told him I love him, and headed off to work. I only work about 5 minutes away. When I got to my desk, I saw I had a text from Raul. So, I opened the text thinking it was normal conversations again. I was wrong.
Raul: “Lmk if you want me to leave. I’ll leave the keys under the plant 🌵”
Me: “What’s your deal? I pick on you the slightest bit and you act like I found a recent sex tape on your phone. I was just picking on you a bit. I’m not mad in the slightest.”
Raul: “I know when I’m not appreciated 😘”
Me: “Seriously? Because I pick on you I don’t appreciate you? That’s an overreaction. You literally pinch me, scratch me, flick me, and say stupid things all the time. To name a few things and I don’t act like this. I give you a good natured ribbing about nothing and you offer to leave me.”
Raul: “Yes”
Me: “Does that mean you don’t appreciate me since that’s how you see it?”
Raul: “If you say so babes”
Me “That’s not an answer to my question. I asked a clarifying question.”
Raul: “Okay”
Me: “Because I don’t get the difference between you picking on me good natured and me picking on you good natured and why me doing it means you aren’t appreciated.”
This one he left on read. It’s been an hour and a half now and all I can think of is – is this really how I want life to be? People don’t tend to get better with more time in a relationship. I just feel at a loss.
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Backup of the post’s body:
Let me start by saying I’m a very direct person. I state how I feel and what I think openly, feeling as though I can’t expect others to know what I want or feel unless I tell them. At least for the most part. I am very aware of myself and will try to reserve getting angry about something without knowing the full story or intention of the person I’m interacting with. So I’ll ask questions to make sure that I am understanding the situation and not jumping to conclusions. This is my norm and has been for years.
I (35F) started dating a guy we’ll call Raul (37M) about 3 months ago, and up to now, things have been great. We were friends for a couple of years before we ever started dating and despite some bits of drama between us that came up randomly. But for the most part, things have been wonderful, that is until recently.
He’s been spending a lot of time at my house, which I have no issue with. I trust him to not damage my house or steal from me and have even gave him a set of keys so that he can check on my dog for me when I have to work out of town. It’s been very convenient for many reasons, one being that he will make me lunch most days when I go home for lunch. Each time he makes me lunch, I make sure to thank him and tell him how good it is, what I like about it, etc. He’s very proud of his ability to cook and I know how much this means to him so I ensure to praise his cooking each time. He’s got some insecurity issues, which I don’t mind helping him to overcome. These issues at times extend to him being worried about me wanting him or me straying, and again, I do my best to help him overcome these insecurities. Even going as far as to show him who I’m texting when he starts to get concerned because I don’t have anything to hide and want him to feel secure. I get him little gifts randomly; a robe he said he wished he had, a tool that he had found interesting, some boots that he said he wanted but couldn’t afford.
The point is, I try to make sure to make him feel appreciated and loved.
Today I went home for lunch and he was there. I was happy to see him and gave him a kiss, then asking how his day has been. After a bit of just normal chit chat, I notice that he had moved stuff around on the living room table. Everything had been moved to the right side (my side) and the left side was completely cleared and dusted. Just feeling a bit cheeky, I smirked and said “Oh, so your style of cleaning is pushing everything to one side, huh?” Mind you, I know his style of cleaning isn’t that and he knows that I know this too. We’ve literally had cleaning dates where all we did was clean.
At first he laughed, and said he didn’t do that, that he just put my stuff on my side. Continuing the playful banter, I pointed out the items that weren’t mine that had been on the other side of the table just that morning. He laughed and then asked my dog, “Why is mommy being such a b***h?” At first I laughed off the comment, thinking it was just him bantering back, but then he said, “Want me to leave?” To which I told him no, that I wasn’t mad or anything, that I was just picking on him a little. That I didn’t mean anything by the joke. Now, if he wasn’t the type to joke around, I could see why he might think I was being mean. But he’s always making jokes at my expense and picking on me. So I didn’t see any problem with joking around back.
Things seemed alright after that and I gave him a kiss, told him I love him, and headed off to work. I only work about 5 minutes away. When I got to my desk, I saw I had a text from Raul. So, I opened the text thinking it was normal conversations again. I was wrong.
Raul: “Lmk if you want me to leave. I’ll leave the keys under the plant 🌵”
Me: “What’s your deal? I pick on you the slightest bit and you act like I found a recent sex tape on your phone. I was just picking on you a bit. I’m not mad in the slightest.”
Raul: “I know when I’m not appreciated 😘”
Me: “Seriously? Because I pick on you I don’t appreciate you? That’s an overreaction. You literally pinch me, scratch me, flick me, and say stupid things all the time. To name a few things and I don’t act like this. I give you a good natured ribbing about nothing and you offer to leave me.”
Raul: “Yes”
Me: “Does that mean you don’t appreciate me since that’s how you see it?”
Raul: “If you say so babes”
Me “That’s not an answer to my question. I asked a clarifying question.”
Raul: “Okay”
Me: “Because I don’t get the difference between you picking on me good natured and me picking on you good natured and why me doing it means you aren’t appreciated.”
This one he left on read. It’s been an hour and a half now and all I can think of is – is this really how I want life to be? People don’t tend to get better with more time in a relationship. I just feel at a loss.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Three months in, that is obnoxious. I’d tell him he should leave since he’s that upset.Â