Last year, a conflict happened where his mother made a triggering comment about my husband “having changed”, where I have always classically taken it to mean that I’ve changed him for the worst. She’s done it in the past when subjects come up that could be considered related to me. The incident last year was blatantly about me, since my husband was complaining to her about no one talking to me (people were talking to me, but he didn’t notice). I lost it on her and told her I was sick of her saying that. She hadn’t done it in years prior to last year, so I thought we were okay. I had moved on. Until she did it last year, again. Her daughters and one DIL argued with me tooth and nail that she’s never done anything of the sort. The DIL screamed at me four or five times to “Just get a divorce!” which I considered really disrespectful to our marriage, and ignorant. Her,husband – the BIL of which this post title is about- is now maintaining that she “didn’t say that”, even though seven other people heard it.
He called my husband two days ago and went down an entire list of things I had written in an “affidavit”, because they apparently thought we purposely didn’t give their son a Christmas present (we were in the red that week, and Amazon cancelled multiple orders that my husband didn’t notice for months).
In the affidavit last year, I had wrote that I wasn’t the other DIL’s doormat to be talked to as she pleases because my feelings are inconvenient for her and anyone else who didn’t want a confrontation during “family time”. I wrote that she had no business sticking her nose in a problem she knew nothing about, and I called her a noob (and I’m not fucking sorry). BIL’s (her husband) diligently maintaining that she didn’t talk/yell over the entire family to strong arm me into a getting a divorce (again, at least seven other people heard her).
I find it reprehensible for him to “cover her tracks” like that, so to speak, especially when the entire family that was there heard her. Anyway, I also wrote about times where I could have construed from MIL and SIL’s behavior that I was being bodyshamed, and that I was aware of how MIL was complaining about my weight gain. I also wrote that I thought the MIL could have an attachment disorder, and that her kids aren’t responsible for her feelings. I also maintained that it was offensive that the patriarch of the family just stood around and did nothing while his “son” is leaving, because he was being triggered by his wife, my MIL.
The BIL took it as a “burning bridges” situation, where my affidavit was written to tell the whole family to eff off essentially. He took it as an attack toward people “that had attacked me”, even though I mentioned the FIL who did nothing negative besides stand around.
I still maintain that I wrote it to defend myself from like nine people that did not give seem to give one shit about my experiences that I told them about. I was legitimately suicidal that week, calling 988, getting inpatiented for suicidality within a week of the incident. I considered the affidavit a warning for people about his MIL in this affidavit because- at the time- I felt like she set the stage for my husband to be triggered, to include me as a casualty.
BIL doesn’t seem to care, and has taken a wholly defensive stance toward what I wrote, and now going so far as to stage a phone intervention with my husband, even though my husband has read it multiple times and found nothing particularly ‘attack-y” or unrelatable/inexcusable in what I wrote.
How do I proceed? The affidavit has been shared with other family members that weren’t at the incident, but I’m scared BIL’s opinion is going to reign over anything I say. He’s almost always seemed to be hyperaware of any flaws or “misdeeds” I have: Making rude faces when I say something he (thinks) is conceited or narcissistic. Complaining about me not being social/doing the work, when I feel I’ve been alienated. Talking behind my back if he catches me doing something not-really-that-suspicious like a single, isolated eyeroll. The list goes on. It’s all kind of manipulative now that I think about.
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Question: Do you want a relationship with these people?
If you do, fuckin…why? It sounds like they don’t like you, and you don’t like the way they treat you, so why are you giving them so much of your energy?
Where’s your husband in all of this? This is all his family (mom, brother, sister, brother’s wife, father) so this is really on him to create the boundaries and consequences. If they’re all so toxic, cruel and terrible why does he require contact with them? The only reason these people are in your life is because of him, so how is he protecting and defending you?
Why haven’t you cut contact with these people? Sounds like a waste of energy to point out their behavior when it’s clearly not going to change
I would go no contact with his family. After the drama and personal attacks, the relationship with them is so toxic as to be irrecoverable.
If they weren’t his family would you have them in your life? Do you allow other people to treat you like this? They don’t get a pass because they’re family.
Why the hell isn’t your husband shutting his family’s treatment of you down? If someone was abusing my partner like this I’d shut them down hard.
I’d be telling your husband he can have whatever relationship he wants with them but you and any children you might have are done. They aren’t allowed near you, your children or the house. That you don’t want to hear about them. Not negotiable.
Double down on birth control until this is resolved. If your husband doesn’t truly have your back you have a husband problem, not an in law problem.
I would get into marriage counselling, with a vetted by you, leave and cleave style counsellor. Example being, you leave your parents and cleave to your partner as the primary family unit. Everyone else is extended family. Focus on strengthening your relationship with each other.
Do NOT consider counselling with the in laws. All they’ll want is a way to force you into line or out the door. Never go to counselling with your abuser/s.
Unless his family are likely to change their behaviour these changes need to be permanent.
Take a looong step back from these people. Who cares what they think about you? They very obviously don’t care about you or your feelings and nothing you do or say is going to get them to feel bad or care about you in the way you’re looking for. Save your energy and get yourself some real help. Find people who can appreciate and love you for who you are. Decide right here and now that you have inherent worth and you deserve better than they’re able up provide you in life.
It sucks to be the black sheep, but no one can force you to be part of their flock. I live closest to my MIL and cut contact with her. I didn’t have a friend in this state when we moved here and I spent the last three years joining communities and creating my own network of people I like and can have genuine and authentic relationships with.
If anyone believes your BILs version of events, they already had a view of you that aligned with his narrative. If anyone cares to reach out to you and ask, then be honest and concise with what happened. But stop vehemently defending yourself to people who aren’t willing to listen to you.
The in-laws seem to not like you, don’t bother with them. Focus on yourself and then your marriage.
You proceed by locking that door emotionally and metaphorically. This isn’t a family trying to resolve conflict, it’s a smear campaign, thinly veiled as “concern.” BIL isn’t interested in truth or fairness. He’s policing your existence to protect his warped family narrative. Let your husband deal with his family, while you draw hard lines. If your “affidavit” got passed around like gossip fodder, that says more about them than it does about you. Protect your peace. They’re not confused, they’re just mad you spoke the truth.