Posted recently sharing about the ongoing issue with my nparents and my son’s first birthday.
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1jl6xo0/struggling_over_sons_birthday/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Things have escalated and my father went full unhinged.
It started with my son getting sick, and we had to cancel the birthday party. I sent the message to anyone who was invited and got to focusing on taking care of my kid.
Then my mother texted:
“Were you going to tell me [son] was sick?”
Not “how is he” or “do you need anything”, immediately about her.
I called it out.
Next day: my father sends an unhinged rant to me and my wife declaring:
1) since they didn’t find out from me about my son, obviously this is ultimate proof they aren’t part of his life
2) the above is solely the fault of my ignorant, narcissistic, racist wife who controls every aspect of my existence
3) One day she will be gone and I will be sad to have lost my family over this
4) Explain how my brother and mother deserve this racist attack against them considering my father has never called my wife a beaner (she’s brazillian…..)
So I let them know I’m finally done. This has been weeks of arguing and fighting as they insist they want to work on our relationship and try to fix our problems, but simultaneously doubling down at every opportunity. When the original problem posed was “my family is uncomfortable with your support for racist policies” and you decide to double down by not only insisting that you won’t apologize for “politics”, but also to casually drop racial slurs in a message TO MY WIFE while declaring that all of this is her fault (because lord knows I couldn’t POSSIBLY be upset on my own accord) is absolutely unhinged.
All my mother could offer when she saw the message was that it came from a place of fear and hurt and anger and should be proof that we truly do all need family therapy.
You had your chance for that, you pushed and prodded and attacked me and my family every step of the way while I tried to set it up.
My poor wife is so angry with them, while also navigating the fact that I have walked back from my hard stances with them in the past. I want this time to be different. But that doesn’t make it easy, and she knows that, and trying to acknowledge the possibility of this NOT being the end of this is really hurtful to her.
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Stay away from them and build a family of your own. They keep saying you’ll be sad and regret losing them, but the truth is one day you’ll look at your grandchild and see how happy they are, and you’ll know the family curse of narcissism and racism is breaking.
It needs to be the end. Block them everywhere. Do not ever do counseling with a narcissist. They will just use it to know how to be more effective in their abuse of you. Your mom is every bit as bad as your dad. She chooses every day to stay with him. And no one who treats your wife the way they do deserves a place in your son’s life. They are not going to change. They’re just not. They don’t see anything wrong with their behavior or beliefs. They blame your wife and always will. You need to cut them off completely, as well as anyone else who supports them or tries to plead their case. I think you’ll find your life is exponentially better without them in it.
First of all : I totally support you, on every aspect of this situation.
I just want to share with you a sentence I used when my parents (not truly narcs, but adjacent) where acting like I shouldn’t be mad at them when they were making jokes about my girlfriend (Searching for a ring, proposing soon). I also use it when she says things like “I’m stupid” and I pretend to be mad :
“You’re insulting and disrespecting the woman I love”.
I’m not saying that you should tell your family that. But if you ever thought that you might be in the wrong here, remember that sentence.
Yikes. You don’t need this in your life.
Your wife deserves better and the fact that you keep exposing her to this is not ok. You’re showing her that your extended family is more important than the one you two have created. Best of luck to you because she’s eventually going to get tired of your back and forth.
Breaking away from narcissistic parents is difficult but you have to make a clean break. I’m 20 years no contact and best decision I ever made.
What eventually did force me to go low contact was their inability to respect my wife’s needs as an immune-compromised person. It was the last possible insult.
Protect the family you chose. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It sucks. It hurts.
Ndad decided to tell everyone that my husband and inlaws brainwashed me when I stood up to him for the first time. He called my older brother a narcissist for standing up to him, and told everyone lies. He caused soooo much drama, hurt, and even fear. They lash out HARD when they feel their control slipping.
Stay strong. Vent here any time you need to. And please TRY (easier said than done) to not blame yourself, feel guilty, or feel like it’s Your job to fix this. You’re making decisions to grow out of people pleasing to treat your family (wife & son, plus inlaws) the way they deserve. That is AWESOME and you’re doing a great job. Keep growing into the person you’re proud to be. I’m proud of you, and hope you find your peace and joy in the process! ♡♡♡
You should absolutely look into therapy for you as you navigate. I’m rooting for you!
You’ll never regret putting your son and wife first. Good job.
“All my mother could offer when she saw the message was that it came from a place of fear and hurt and anger and should be proof that we truly do all need family therapy.”
This made me almost throw up in my mouth. 🤮Narcs are sooooo delusional and gaslighty. The manipulation is strong with these ones.
Protect your kid. That’s your North Star. Everything takes a backseat to this.
Also, I think they really believe they’re working on the relationship, but their version of that is just convincing you to accept the abuse and say thank-you-sir-may-I-have-another.
I wish you all the best in setting impenetrable boundaries.
> the above is solely the fault of my ignorant, narcissistic, racist wife who controls every aspect of my existence.
Personally I find it so insulting when our Narc parents blame everything we do (that doesn’t serve them) on our partners. My sperm donor, who I’ve been NC with for years, did this constantly and blames our estrangement on my (also non-white) husband. Is like they think we have no agency whatsoever and exist only to act as their narcissistic supply, and if we don’t, it must be because some other narcissist “stole” us or something, because we’re not individuals, we’re property.
You don’t need these people in your life, they won’t change, they will only offer exactly what they’ve been giving so far which is more damage and hurt. And if they treat your wife this way, they likely treat your children similarly.
I’m sorry, you deserve better parents, we all do.
I’m a run of the mill white dude, the husband a Puerto Rican woman and the father of a biracial daughter. I’ve cut off family members for years – until they died – when unkind things were said. I don’t regret it even a little. Keep your wife and son top of mind – that’s what’s important here.