Sorry for my written english.
Almost a year ago, i Met my actual GF on tinder, we clicked instantly and She accepted me despite me being nerdy and introvert, and i accepted her temper. I liked It, It put up a cool Little challenge and the prize has Always been a really caring gf that tò this day i still love.
At the start of the relationship i told her that i was going to move really far from home because i had plans for my Life, and She stayed, not only with me tho, but also where She was. We see each other for 2 weeks every 2+ months (max lenght 3 months) because im not out for choice but for work (im a blue collar It, i do everything from lan cabling to optic fiber solder to switch programming and so).
First months were AWFUL, She bawled her eyes out almost 10h a day and She tried an ultimatum on my 2nd time of going back to my Place, Wich i managed Just saying im not going tò destroy my plans.
We knew each other knowing what we wanted and She accepted It.
Fast forward, everything settled, She was fine for a bit… Until She wasn’t, her borderline thing really Is like “two days have gone good in a row therefore today Is going tò be utter fucking shit and im going tò find anything to Just shout at you for a very Little mistake you made” and that Is my “walking on eggshells” Moment.
Usually, She snaps out of It the next day and we clear things out, She says Sorry and we just move on and learn.
This time tho, im going tò be back in Town in a week and shes starting tò loose It…
I try to get a Daily supply of attentions to her and i have times strictly reserved for her, but She stated that words and those things arent enough anymore, She needs me close and its not Fair that ive gone away and She repents having stayed.
This Is temporary and i Always tell her, i dont know how much time im going to be away, but in my plans i wanted to get at least at 30k of savings and im at 15k (im 23 shes 21), on a base of 2k per month with 650€ of expenses, its going to be a bit of time.
It all feels… Like im putting up a fight i already know i Will loose, and honestly i cant even be mad at her, distance sucks… We both love how we are togheter, sex Is perfect to Say the least and the humour Is there, Road trips are full of singing till i can’t grunge Scream anymore and cuddling Is cool.
Should i Just let her go and let her Just get tired of the situation?
Should i go back ?
Im from Italy, if It wasnt for her in this Moment with my skills i could be going anywhere in the world and work like Crazy.
But for her im at least staying in Italy.
I dont feel held back from her, i Just want to stay with her but not letting go of my plans.
I Just wanted opinions on this situation…
Comments
Imo break up, my girlfriend is a breath of fresh air in my chaotic life, shes alway down to earth and reliable. I wish everyone to find someone like that.
I think it’s good that y’all have been together for this long. I think the dedication that both of you have to each other is great. That certainly helps to keep the relationship going. However, she needs therapy for her borderline diagnosis. The constant fighting and the back and forth mood swings will only drag you down even more. With having this in mind, think about the future of y’alls relationship if she does ever move in with you. Y’all both have only been together for a year. Imagine being together for 5 years, even 10 years. Do you want this to progress into something even more toxic? Do you want to be unhappy and waste your youth? It’s just something to think about because you have a lot of options here. I’m not gonna say break up with her because that is your own decision. However, I will reiterate and say that if y’all both want this relationship to work, she needs to get help.
Long distance relationships are extremely triggering for people with BPD, it triggers their core wound of abandonment over and over again. Every time a trip comes up, her abandonment wound is reactivated, because she knows you will leave (“abandon”) her again to go back home once the trip is over. She brings up your job plans because she doesn’t want to continue living apart long time, it is hurting her mental health every day.
If you want to be with her, she needs therapy and you need to close the distance soon and have a plan for her. If you can’t see yourself closing the distance anytime soon and living near her, she will probably continue getting worse and worse, which will drive you crazy. I understand she told you she thought she could handle it, but most people with abandonment trauma (which causes bpd) cannot heal while dealing with the stress of a LDR. It’s not going to be good for her or you. It is up to you, do you want to be serious with her, live with her, and help support her healing from her bpd? Or would you rather let her go and find someone else who suits you better? She deserves someone who wants to be with her (physically) and support her, and you deserve someone who can give you the flexibility and independence to chase your dreams. The choice is yours, you have to choose which you value more; her OR your career/dreams/freedom.