I am a 29F and a mother myself. My up bringing was a very rough one. Long story short my mom lost custody, and my father’s mother adopted me. My father was never involved but acted like father of the year, my grandma who was an alcoholic made excuses for him. My grandpa was never home because he was always working and wasn’t the happiest man… understandably. My grandma abused me and called me all kinds of names and physically hurt me growing up. I left around 15 and never came back. After I had kids, I came around more often, I felt guilty I had kids but no family on either side for them. I do love them but I find myself hurt or frustrated when I do. I still get talked down to and I often get called flakey by them because I don’t come around that often. There is a lot more to all this but I find if painful but also I am so guilty because they aren’t mean to the kids. No matter how I succeed in my life, I will never be enough to them and that’s also hurtful.
Can anyone give me some advice on how they’ve handled a situation like this and how they got through the guilt, if you ever did.
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I just stopped interacting with ‘family’ who made me feel worthless. I will never be enough in their eyes. They did some serious mental harm. I owe them nothing, especially not my presence.
Sometimes protecting your own peace is worth it.
When you come around, do they treat you badly?
If so, then the answer is not to come around. Kids are a little sponges and you don’t want them to learn that it is okay to mistreat mommy. Because it’s not okay.
I understand that you are a very hurt and probably you want some parental figures in your life but if Grandma and Grandpa just aren’t those parental figures, cut your losses and move on. Probably you have created a new family around you, a “found family”. People who love you and support you. They are your family.
Congratulations on escaping the cycle of dysfunction and generational abuse.
Here is a book for you for when you are ready, I think that it will really help you. I think that you are ready for it. ” adult children of emotionally immature parents”. This book helped me, and within 15 minutes I had some answers to some questions that I had been asking for a long time. This book has been receiving reviews and has been helping a lot of people. I think that it will help free you.
Please don’t feel guilty for not wanting to subject yourself or your children to abuse. This isn’t a reflection on you. It’s a reflection on them. This is not shame on you. This is shame on them.
I’m 45, and asked my father for an apology for the hell I went through growing up because of him. Just an apology. He refused. How dare I? Because-“He’s changed”. No, he hasn’t. So I’ve disowned him. You see me on the street, no you didnt. I went through this with my biological mother (who I didn’t even meet until I was 20) about 6 months ago. I have no guilt, because I was a child and did nothing wrong when it comes to my father-and for my mother, well she’s a special case of WTF. I have been married 21 years, raised 6 kids and neither of them were around, and I don’t associate with either sides of the family. I could never treat my kids the way they treated me, each in their own way, and I’m glad my biological daughter doesn’t know them well at all except enough to resent them for hurting her mom. It doesn’t matter how nice they are to the kids-the kids see what they do to you and how it affects you. Telling my “parents” to F off is the best thing I’ve done for my mental health and for my family. My only regret is that I waited so damn long.