i’m 23f, he’s 25m. we live together, and split rent and utilities, and agreed when we moved in 6 months ago that our accounts stay seperate, we track shared costs in an app and settle weekly
monday night at around 7:40 i got the amazon order confirmation in my email, then saw a pending $399.99 authorizaton in my credit union app. the order page showed not yet shipped. my amazon is signed in on our living room fire tv and on my phone with 1 click on, so my debit card is saved with our address as default. he ordered a gaming chair from the tv without asking
i opened chat on amazon, canceled before it entered the warehouse queue, and the hold dropped to zero the next morning. i turned off 1 click, removed my card from every device, and asked my bank for a new card number. i checked last 3 months of statements and didn’t see other stuff tied to my amazon when i told him what i did he said he would have paid me back on friday and said couples share stuff. that night he cooked his own dinner, put on headphones, and barely spoke. i feel off that he treated my saved card like fair game just since we share an adress
what i want next is to keep money separate. three clear rules we both say out loud and keep and no using each other’s cards at all. any purchase over a set amount gets asked about first. if cash is tight, the thing waits. if this line is crossed again, there needs to be a consequence that isn’t just another long argument So my ask is that i need wording for the talk and advice on follow through so this sticks. if you’ve set money boundaries with a partner, what exact phrases and consequences worked for you
Just for context it was his action on my signed in amazon not a stolen physical card. cancel worked since it hadn’t shipped. The hold reversed the next morning and i saved screenshots of the order page and bank pending item in case that helps our convo
TLDR; boyfriend used my saved amazon card for a $400 chair without asking. i canceled, removed my card, and want rules for money boundaries since we agreed finances stay seperate. need advice on how to word and enforce it.
Comments
This story conflicts with your earlier story in AIO.
What advice are you expecting? If you feel he is going to continue to go into your wallet, you need to leave this relationship.
Why couldn’t he have added his card?
I think this is a red flag. I assume he knew it was your card on the account, so the fact that he placed the order without asking or even informing you is a problem. The fact that he felt comfortable to make such a large purchase without informing you in general is a problem. The fact that he’s sulking and giving you the silent treatment, ie punishing you for enforcing boundaries, is a problem. A reasonable partner would have apologised and used their own card/account to make the purchase.
I’m glad you stuck to your guns and revoked his access to your funds. I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship, or at least living together.
You don’t trust him with money. Your rules make you sound like you have to be his mom. This all sounds like too much work. Honestly if you don’t trust him what’s the point?
Giving you the cold shoulder as punishment, when he did something wrong, is the biggest red flag. That should definitely be a part of the conversation you have with him.
If he would’ve paid you back by Friday, why didn’t he wait until Friday to buy the chair himself?
A $400 gaming chair. That’s quite a purchase for a couple who doesn’t have a lot of extra cash. He sounds like someone who’s willing to spoil himself with your money. You’re smart to keep your finances separate, but you might wanna look into how much debt he has before going any further.
Well, you’re not his mom, so you don’t get to make rules and enforce consequences. What you do get to do is discuss respectfully and collaborate on solutions. I suggest that you revisit the issue with curiosity, and use “I” statements. “Hey, I was confused when you bought the chair with my card. Can you tell me more about what happened there?”
Maybe he feels free to spend your money, or maybe he saw that y’all needed a chair and used whatever card was saved on the account and knew you would settle up later. But you don’t actually know what his thought process was. So first you have to listen to him, and then you can respond to whatever he says.
If you two need to furnish your apartment, make a joint plan for doing so. If you work together and agree, nobody needs to “enforce” anything.
Dont stay with people who steal from you.
i feel like (partially cause i’m nosy) more context is needed – how much do each of you make? who is the bread winner and are yall splitting everything 50/50? and how long have y’all been together?
Regardless of all of those answers to me it’s unconscionable to use a partner’s card for a large purchase like that without asking and i highly highly doubt he was planning on paying you back. if you need to use someone’s card but plan on paying them back, YOU ASK FIRST. i just can’t imagine using my girlfriend’s money without her knowledge or permission and not even bringing it up until SHE does. huge huge red flag here girl.
is this the first time he’s used/taken advantage of his access to your own funds? it seems like a huge leap to make especially in just six months of living together. is this really how you want to live your life-always keeping your wallet locked up, not able to have your card on autopay for any of your devices, and not able to fully trust your life partner to be a decent person. i’m a lesbian and this post reminded me why lol, if i were you i’d have a serious come to jesus meeting with him bc he’s a grown man acting like a 7 yr old on roblox. ridiculous
I know “dump him” is a Reddit answer but I don’t know if I could overlook this. He knew it was your card.