Hello! Thank you for reading, I apologize if this is long-winded, I will do my best to be succinct.
My boyfriend smokes weed on the weekends, which normally wouldn’t be an issue, but he tends to make really offensive / hurtful jokes that he wouldn’t normally make when he’s high. We decided not to see each other / talk when he is smoking.
We saw each other on Friday and had a really lovely time with each other, I was very happy. The next day he offered to pick me up from work + take me to the mall / get me some snacks. I thought this was really sweet and I was very happy.
When he picked me up he was high, which I was nervous / worried about because of how he’s acted in the past. I brought crazy bread from work with me to the car, he saw it and said “Why only crazy bread and not pizza? Is it because you’re crazy?” I was immediately hurt, I’ve struggled with anxiety / depression and I do feel crazy at times. I explained that I didn’t like this and was hurt but tried to move past it.
We were walking in the mall and I said something negative about myself in response to something he said, he replied “you’re insane
if you think that!” with a lot of emphasis. This felt a bit back-handed and like he was doubling down on his crazy comment from earlier. I again explained why I was hurt and tried to move on so we could have a nice time together. I was feeling worried / bad at this point.
He dropped me off, and called me later in the evening. He had finished volunteering at the animal shelter (we both volunteer there) and had purchased some snacks from the dollar store. He also was smoking more. He told me they were nutty buddy’s and started making jokes about how I was “nutty” if I didn’t like them / calling me his nutty buddy etc.
I’m so confused by this. I’m very hurt and angry, which I told him. He apologized multiple times, and said they were all jokes / he doesn’t think I’m crazy.
It’s very hard for me to believe him, it felt intentional and hurtful and the fact that he kept doing when I said it bothered me really worries me. How should I proceed? Am I too sensitive? Should I try to take the jokes in stride? Or should I be worried and consider the future of the relationship?
tl;dr: my boyfriend made multiple subtle jokes calling me crazy. He apologized and insists he meant nothing by it. How do I proceed?
Comments
Have you told him explicitly not to make “crazy” jokes around you? If you have, and if he continues to do it, then it doesn’t matter whether he’s high or not, it’s not a safe relationship for you. Even if he only does it when he’s high, if he continues to be high around you, then he doesn’t care about you more than he cares about the weed, so you should excuse yourself from this relationship.
Yes, you might have a particular sensitivity to these kinds of jokes, but we all find different specific things hurtful based on our personalities and histories. Mature partners who respect us try to be sensitive to our sensitivities. As you describe it, this wasn’t a one-time slip-up, this is regular behavior.
Also: When he picked you up, was he driving? If he was driving high, coming to pick you up, that really should have been a dealbreaker.
> When he picked me up he was high
…so he’s driving while high?
> it felt intentional and hurtful
Why are you with someone who would treat you in an intentionally-hurtful way?
You know it was intentional because:
> he kept doing when I said it bothered me
…he kept going after he knew it upset you.
In what way is being with a person who treats you badly when he’s stoned, who drives (and therefore puts other people’s lives at risk) while he’s stoned, and who doesn’t care that he’s upsetting you and continues doing so even after he knows that you’re upset by what he’s saying….in what way is being with that person making your life better?
In what way does a future that is positive and fulfilling, a future that you want to live in, include a person like him?
And if it does not, then why are you staying?
If you tell him something that bothers you and he continues to do it, regardless of what substance he is on, drop that zero and find yourself a hero. Fr, life is too short. Everyone is crazy lol, but only the cruel use it as an insult, red flag in your face. I used to mistake anxiety for butterflies, once I saw it, I could learn the difference and learned to say ✌️I don’t need this bs in my life
First of all why’s he driving while high??
I’m going to go against the grain here and say that I think you are being too sensitive.
I agree that your bf should NOT be driving high, and he should also drop the crazy jokes if they bug you that much. A joke isn’t a joke if both parties aren’t laughing.
With that said, his jokes seem pretty harmless & silly. For them to ruin your day and make you this upset indicates to me that you need to work on your self-acceptance. We’re all a little crazy, myself very much included. When someone makes a joke about me being overbearing, for example, I laugh with them because it’s true.
At the same time, if he continues making jokes about you being crazy knowing it upsets you, that’s not so harmless.
>My boyfriend smokes weed on the weekends, which normally wouldn’t be an issue, but he tends to make really offensive / hurtful jokes that he wouldn’t normally make when he’s high. We decided not to see each other / talk when he is smoking.
Now that bodes well for a healthy & happy relationship.
I think you should carefully consider whether a partner who enjoys an activity that “makes” him treat you badly is a good long-term investment.
Thank you for all your comments! A bit more information:
I don’t have a lot of experience with weed or driving therefore I wasn’t aware of what a danger it is – I will address this with him and ask him not to.
I don’t have a lot of relationship experience, and my first relationship was very bad. I got out of it, got therapy, meds etc.
My current boyfriend seems very gentle, sweet, empathetic. He’s outgoing and encourages me to make friends. I was under the impression that he was overall a good boyfriend and much better than my previous.
I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like unfortunately.