I (30f) have been with my bf (29m) for over a year. Before we got together I wasn’t really physically attracted to him but our personal chemistry was off the charts. That won over for me and I developed a physical attraction.
Lately we’ve been having some issues which has been having an affect on my attraction. I’m seeing all flaws glaringly, likely due to some resentment with how he has dealt with the issues we’ve had.
However, I still love him and am trying to make this work. But he doesn’t take care of his skin or hair. He showers daily and uses body wash and shampoo but that’s where it ends. He has very thin hair that he’s been trying to grow out for a long time. I’ve tried to recommend various products/solutions but he just shuts me down. It’s the same with his skin, it breaks out a lot all over, and his pores are very large. I don’t know what to do when he just keeps shutting down any suggestions I have and says “it’s fine.”
I don’t want to break and tell him I’m not attracted to him right now. I also just have concern about his overall health in the long run.
Does anyone have advice on how to handle this?
EDIT:
I definitely worded some things wrong. When I said his health, I meant things such as skin cancer and blemishes that are due to poor hygiene. Yes he showers but he does not change sheets and often rewears dirty clothes. His house is incredibly dirty as well. He doesn’t wear SPF and burns incredibly easily so I also worry about skin cancer. I’ve known multiple people who had to have removals for cancerous things on their skin.
I love this man with everything I have. I don’t resent him.
TLDR; my boyfriend shuts down suggestions for hair and skin care but it’s making me not attracted to him.
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Male perspective: If he showers and cleans himself, what’s the problem here? It’s his body, his choice.
If you are that bothered by his hair, his skin and his pores then maybe you just aren’t attracted to him and you should split.
Sounds like the attraction was never there and you really just want the green light to leave him. Do it. Don’t waste his time, or your own
He’s not invested in skin or hair care, so your suggestions aren’t helpful. At best, they’re ignored and at worst, they’re annoying. Unasked for help isn’t something most people welcome. Now, if his lack of care is impacting your attraction to him and if that’s enough to make you consider ending the relationship, that’s a valid point, but right now all you’re doing is picking at him for something he doesn’t want to put the effort in to change. You mention that your focus on flaws is probably due to recent issues, so you’re probably better off focusing on those issues and addressing them instead of fixating on something you know he won’t change.
Op you probably just don’t actually like him, there are so many more serious matters to life and you’re hung up on the shallowest of them all.
You’re coming out of the honeymoon phase and realizing you’re just not attracted to him. And he clearly doesn’t want to adjust his routine to please you. No advice really other than to consider you’re just not a good long term match. He’s not likely to get more attractive in his 30s.
Introduce skin care as a couples activity… get him a cream, preferably a light cream that absorbs quickly and smells… manly unless he likes certain smells. My bf grew to like peel off masks as they are relatively fun 😅
About the hair, maybe ask him if he wants to go bald. 😅
Go find yourself a metrosexual man and let this normal ass man alone.
Nothing you are recommending will “shrink pores”, that’s just product marketing. You aren’t attracted to him.
Tbh idk about hair but caring for his skin is literally just basic hygiene, talk to him openly how him not caring for it is making you less attracted to him. Some uncomfortable conversations are good
you’re giving him unsolicited hygiene advice, that’s why he’s shutting you down.
if he is showering regularly and doesn’t smell like a garbage can of bo then what is your issue? it sounds like you’re really resentful and contemptuous of your partner. contempt and resentment kill relationships faster than lack of skincare or haircare does.
Accutane prescription, see a dermatologist
Buy head and shoulders it’s like a full body acne treatment
I’m gonna go against the grain here and say I think this is valid (except that there’s nothing you can really do about large pores).
At the age of 29 it’s reasonable to expect someone to be able to take care of their personal hygiene, which is generally the cause of breakouts at that age. Is he washing his pillowcases and sheets often? Washing his hands? Avoiding touching his face? If his hair is long, does he keep it out of his face?
If he’s not willing to do small things to take care of himself, what else is he skipping out on? Sunscreen? Deodorant? Dental hygiene? Laundry? Regular doctor visits?
Someone who complains about a problem but then rejects or dismisses help and solutions is a red flag. It’s fine to want to vent about stuff, but if someone is continually complaining about the same thing and refusing to ever do anything about it, that’s exhausting.
It’s perfectly fine to not be attracted to someone due to their physical condition. It’s also understandable to not be attracted to them because of their behavior. You’re a 30 y/o woman, you don’t want to date a man that you have to badger to engage in baseline personal care.
If you’re not attracted to him then you’re not attracted to him, no amount of skincare is going to change that
No amount of skin care will help given your deep resentment towards him. If you don’t work that out, you’ll continue to make mountains out of molehills.
Don’t waste his time. No one wants to be with someone who secretly finds them unattractive.
Dodging the question again are we ?
Why are you pretending you’re concerned about his “health”? You’re not attracted to your boyfriend because he’s got pores and thin hair. Leave that man alone and stop trying to turn your partners into projects. Date people you actually like instead of giving him a complex for the rest of his life over normal human things.
OP, when I start to hyperfixate on something about my partner and have that feeling of wanting to tell him how to change his appearance, it actually tends to be a reflection on things I’m hyperfixating on myself. I’m wondering if that’s the case for you?
Are you constantly thinking about your own hair & skin? Do you have an intense beauty regiment? Have you had body image issues? Are you worried about aging?
Because if your boyfriend has thinning hair and large pores there are not enough beauty products in the world that will fix that – that’s just genetics.
You could just have the ick if you see him not taking care of himself. Hygiene is a bare minimum for me (showering daily etc.)
I like a man who takes care of his appearance but that’s just me. I personally am not attracted to men who don’t put effort into themselves. That doesn’t mean fancy clothes and a 10 step skincare routine but just overall.