So long story short, we have a very attractive female friend that we hang out with on a regular basis. A few times that the friend group she is a part of has gotten together I couldn’t go, and one time my boyfriend and her went golfing together just the two of them. I didn’t think anything of it because my boyfriend and I have been together for over a decade, I trust him, and while she is slightly more my friend, our whole group is pretty close.
Well something happened the other day in which i couldn’t go to something and was trying to reschedule the plans (we were making them over a week in advance), and rather than say yeah she was kinda weird about it and said she could just come pick up my boyfriend and they could go out with the group. I was upset and I felt that my boyfriend didn’t take me seriously at first that I was upset, but he eventually said that it made him feel awkward and kinda like she was flirting with him (side note: in the nicest way ever to my boyfriend he is not her type and she is actively pursuing someone else). Something clicked in my brain. I had this overwhelming feeling that he liked that idea and that he had a crush on her, so I outright confronted him and he said “no, why would I have a crush on her!” Then went to “wait maybe I do” to then “I’ve thought about her while masturbating but immediately stopped once I realized what I was doing because I know that’s wrong.”
I have no idea how to feel. I’ve been really down on my luck the past two years and have gained weight, lost all self esteem, been depressed and incredibly anxious, and just haven’t been myself. He said he felt terrible about it because he felt like he was kicking me while I was down, but now I can’t stop thinking about it. I see my friend’s snap story, IG post, or she texts me and I immediately am filled with sadness. I look myself in the mirror and think how can I look more like her or act like her. I don’t know what to do, my boyfriend and I have a whole life and family (pets) together but now I feel like I’m not sure if I can be friends with her anymore.
What would you do with this info?
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>What would you do with this info?
what would I do with the info…well, you wont but what I would do is go seek some professional help for my internal issues that are dragging me down…that is what I would do and I bet I would get some sort or real results too……I think what I would not do is get rid of my friends, who are doing absolutely noting wrong, and isolate my self further so that I go deeper into a depression spiral.
goddamn I am being helpful today and answering questions..since I am being honest, if ti was me and I had a problem with my weight gain, I would start working out and eating better. That is a sure fire way to feel better and lose weight(pretty much guaranteed to work)..I am full o fall sorts of good advice. you want some more?
> I see my friend’s snap story, IG post, or she texts me and I immediately am filled with sadness.
stop looking at instagram and other fake social media sites(should have enough time to go to the gym if you do). AT this point in human history, if you dont feel like shit about not being able to meet unrealistic goals that are mostly generated using photoshop, then you arent doing social media right. Let me ask you an unrelated question, can you sell more makeup and beauty products that to people that have healthy self images or to people without that are trying to measure up to fake beauty standards that can only be met through digital manipulation ? think about it for a min, when you are feeling so triggered by my reply, then stop looking at that shit.
I would start therapy immediately. Then I would also question why my boyfriend not only feels this, but feels comfortable expressing it to me… that’s a pretty terrible thing to admit our loud, let alone to your own partner who is having self esteem issues.
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Kudos to your boyfriend for being honest, at least.
Here’s what I would do:
I would sit him down and have a very honest, open, and vulnerable conversation about how his budding attraction towards her is not only making you feel insecure within the relationship, but it is also inadvertently caused you to compare yourself to another woman (who you also consider your friend. I’m sorry, OP, but that’stoxic for everyone involved). And sure, he can say, “You have nothing to compare yourself to, I love YOU!”, but that doesn’t negate the fact that he’s admitted to tugging on himself to the thought of her, nor does it negate the emotional repercussions that came with that admission.
Personally? I’d take a break from hanging out with the group entirely until you and your partner have talked this out and come to an agreement that settles well within your mind and heart. If you two ever get married, then you will HAVE to put each other first before friends and puppy crushes. It is best to practice that now to see if you or him is even capable of putting that attention only on one another long term until the issue is resolved.
As for the friend, I would have a talk with her also. Tell her that she has no right to the details, but it’s best if her and your boyfriend no longer hang out alone and separate from the group. If she has an issue with that and wants to argue, instead of respecting the boundaries of YOUR relationship, then she isn’t a good friend and is willing to get a cheap thrill at the expense of you, your partner, and your relationship. That’s not a friend at all. That’s a snake.
I hope this is resolved, OP. If he can’t respect your boundaries, your feelings, and be willing to work with you to get his attention back on the track of making this relationship work for the both of you, then it’s best to find thay out now than to waste your time with someone who will continue to act like this and make you feel inferior or in competition.
I would tell your bf not to share every thought he has with you.
I would question his judgment for telling you. Men should keep this kind of stuff to themselves to not cause drama in their lives.
I think you should leave. This isn’t something you’ll move past. If this is a friend you want to keep, best solution is to move on and date other people. Most men know better than to ever say things like this. And a man who really loves you, won’t do or say things that’ll hurt you. I don’t think you’ll be able to trust him around your friend after this, and you will find yourself comparing you to her. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Don’t fall into this hole where you think you’re not good enough, it’s one of the hardest things to come out of it. You need some therapy for yourself, and if you really want this relationship to work, couples therapy. As for your boyfriend thinking about her while pleasuring… This would be an absolute no go for me. Personally, flirting with him is wild. Why is this person your friend?
You say you have been together for over a decade, so during those years were there any times when the spark dimmed a bit between you too? If so, what did you both do as a couple to rekindle things? Perheps, now may be a good time to do something togther to try and rekindle things and take it from there. His honesty shows care and fairness because you can have some power back in your corner and decide your next steps. This slip up from your bf could just signal time is needed for you both to try and rekindle things a bit.
This is the angle I got from what you have written.
Take care
I’d leave. Seriously.
There would just be absolutely no coming back from this to me.
It just turn me off of him for life. How am I supposed to have sex, get horny and experience real desire for a man who has told me he masturbated while thinking of my friend?
Your friend is also sus in this too. Women can generally tell if a man fancies her, and she was wrong to go on these lone hangouts with him while likely knowing full well how he feels about her.
Just work on yourself if you are not liking yourself in the mirror. Exercise loose weight. Reinvent yourself. But for you. Not your boyfriend or anyone you see on IG.
You got this
imo i would leave, men that masturbate thinking or looking at other women do not respect their s/o.
Y’all are too comfortable with each other
He is too comfortable sharing this and you are too comfortable in the relationship to let this happen just bc your bf isn’t her type and she is pursuing someone else
Work on your mental help and then work on building your confidence
Lose the weight you gain, eat and sleep right, and maybe detox from Instagram
Tell him how you feel. Then get therapy for your issues. Start working out. Get on medication for your depression if you need to but start taking care of yourself. Nobody wants to be with someone who doesn’t take care of themselves (mind and body). It’s just the reality.
Hey hey im here to help , I am so sorry you are feeling this way for starters, I bet you are very pretty. Im glad your boyfriend was honest with you and its good he feels guilt for doing that but, I would have not told you that little bit. I have a boyfriend and I think of other men sometimes but, I would NEVER cheat on him and I find him very handsome and I appreciate him so much. If he ever felt insecure, that moment WOULD Not be a good time to confess things like that. Friends can be crappy too at times. Now is this friend, are you sure she doesnt flirt with him? Suggesting , we will just come pick up your boyfriend ” instead of rescheduling would have upset me too seems inconsiderate especially if she is closer to YOU. People can be shitty even friends. I second getting some therapy friends arent always equipped to help us with our issues and feelings and thoughts. If you are insecure about the weight gain a personal trainer would.be good and not just for looks but just to get your health back on track. You dont need to look like her, be unapologetically you. There are women who are prettier than me and I am aware of it but, I try to focus on the little things I do appreciate about myself. I think im a pretty good cook, I am not a very social person I have no friends but, i think of myself to be very creative curious and intelligent. I like the fact that I put my loved ones before me and make sure everyone around me is well fed taken care of. I take pride in keeping my house clean. Its the little things. Being pretty or attractive is a FANTASY in someone’s mind but being pretty isnt gonna be beside someone when they are laying on their death bed. Its the authenticity the real love you have for someone. Your boyfriend sounds a little immature. Idk how old yall are but, id feel pretty crappy and humiliated around your friend too now that u know your.boyfriend fantasized and hangs with her by himself. Id have a conversation with boyfriend and with her, real friends wont judge you for your feelings or mistakes you make, dont hold that shit in. Speak your truth, youll see how close people really are to you. But honestly, id also get therapy i understand what your feeling i been there. I dealt with a man who had a female bestfriend he slept with before, and it was nah man wasnt for me. I see the fake shit and i dont let anyone convince me im wrong on how im feeling just to put up with their nonsense and I am that person to call that shi out which is prob why I have no friends cuz I will call out what it is not what ur telling me it is. I think therapy has helped me not second guess myself and treat myself more like a friend than an enemy. Id watch this friend and take notes on how your feeling around her. Id take notes on boyfriend and how you feel around him, write them down. Talk to a therapist about it you will figure out what you need. Remember, being attractive isnt the only valuable quality to have. Society puts so much importance on it. You can see it everywhere you go how important it is to everyone, but nothing last forever. We all are just skeletons underneath our skin. Also if you do confess how your feelings to friend and boyfriend be open minded and willing to get push back or for them to say like say hey this bothered me you didnt res reduce so I could come along and it made me feel like u didnt care to hang with me but my boyfriend more example and she says ” I am close to both of yall and I couldn’t reschedule on such short notice ” and be willing to recieve and accept those answers. That would be a good friend who will explain. Sometimes im not always right , I am ALOT. But sometimes I will allow someone to convince me that im just being a little in my head over things but, you know my brain will figure all that out when we get to that point. If your close to her , i wouldn’t stop being friends with her because, your boyfriend might just hang out with her without you now and that would break the bridge with her and you. It might just be your boyfriend. It might be neither of them they might both really love and care. For you and it was a misunderstanding. You really never know until you stand up for yourself and have those tough conversations. Real friendships and relationships do not avoid hard conversations. I hope this helps. ♡♡ dont compare yourself to her take a break from boyfriend for a day or two just to enjoy your own company. Buy some new lip stick dye your hair do 20 push-ups a day , little things little things hun that can go along way with how your feeling. Ik when I feel insecure or crappy about myself I take one day I go in the bathroom I shave take a nice shower I pluck my eyebrows, I buy some new lip gloss I put some mascara on i put on my cutest outfit and paint my toe nails and I do what I WANT TOO THAT DAY. You owe it to yourself. Look in the mirror dont try to pose dont try to hold your face a certain way just, look in the mirror and youll see way more then ” not as pretty as her ” youll see a real human worthy of love and someone with oceans of feelings and life to live. Someone capable of living a beautiful life, someone who is worthy of respect and love, someone who is absolutely beautiful deep within the eyes dont let anyone convince you otherwise.
Him admitting the crush was the right thing to do, anything else he said was painfully unnecessary. He put you in an extremely uncomfortable situation with your friend. The first thing you need to do is talk to your boyfriend and set your boundaries. Call me old fashioned but my partner and I do not hang out alone with the opposite gender. Him hanging out alone with a girl he has a crush on is completely unacceptable. Next you should set boundaries with your friend too. Under different circumstances I would normally say leave her out of it – but since she is asking to hang out alone with him too I would tell her you are not comfortable with that. I’m really sorry you are in this situation, your boyfriend sucks. I’ve dealt with something similar and it really messed me up. If you do all of this and he STILL is trying to hang out with her alone, leave him. Or be petty and hang out with one of his friends lol
I think you’re lucky to have an honest bf, but thays not so lucky for him. He needs to learn what to say, what not to say, and how to word it better until you can find a way to handle these little messes with healthy self esteem. Right now, I think you’re being your own worst enemy. There will be much bigger issues on the future to worry about, but they’ll also be worse if you cant get a handle on your insecurities. Him changing anything wont change your insecurities, it’ll bandaid them until the next issue arises, and then it’ll be worse since it was only repressed.
This is literally every guy and half the women everywhere since the beginning of time. Guess what, is not always the hot ones that pop in the ol spank bank.
It’s fine. Let it go, and tell him to learn how to keep shit to himself sometimes.
Chin up kiddo. Go for a walk, get some air. You are already in therapy, but if you didn’t know working out does wonders for the mind. When I’m moving something that I say to myself is “it’s amazing what my body can do when my mind gets out of the way.” When I am finished with my 5 am spin class, I never regret going. My day seems longer, I have more energy somehow and my problems get smaller and I can tackle them easier. Therapy is good, and moving your body does wonders for mental health. I’m still fat and have a long way to go to loose the pounds I want, but my mind is clear and my clothes fit better. (If I could get my eating under control I’d be a baddie.)
Once you start taking control and building up your confidence it will radiate off of you. You can start to consider if there is other dead weight in your life you need to get rid of. In 15 years together my husband wouldn’t fix his mouth to say some shit about jerking off to a mutual friend. Screw honesty, he is disrespectful af. You might not fully understand that until you are in the right head space.
Also for petty points find a way to casually mention the guys in your spank bank, see if he measures up.
What I always find helpful in these scenarios is imagining what he would do if the tables were turned. You’ve been with him long enough to know how he would feel and react if you told him that you think of one of his friends when you masturbate.
He would probably be furious and hurt, and every time you both had sex, he’d be wondering if you were thinking of his friend. Maybe try asking him to imagine that exact scenario, see if it makes him really realise the damage he’s done. Not just to you, but to your relationship.
Tbh I’m not sure I could ever get past it. Because it will never get out of your head. You’re already feeling like crap, and desperate to look like her and not you. And how’s your sex life now? I imagine not good. As well as your own therapy, I’d say you both need to work through this together in couples therapy. He needs to understand the damage he’s done, and you need to heal yourself from it. Maybe that won’t end up being with him, and that’s ok.
Your boyfriend and friend shouldn’t be hanging out alone again
It’s just a fantasy but your bf is an idiot for even telling you…
Now its just awkward for no reason.