The other day, my boyfriend sat me down and asked me if I would change anything about him. I thought he was joking so I laughed and said I would change how long it takes him to get ready in the morning (I swear, we are always late leaving every morning!) but he didn’t laugh and said he would consider it. Then he waited and I realized he wanted me to ask him the same thing. So I did and he said he wanted me to get my upper lip waxed more regularly and he would pay for it. I mean, I normally do take care of myself waxing my eyebrows and upper lip but sometimes I can’t afford it. I’m blonde so I didn’t think it was that noticeable anyway (I asked my friends and they said they’ve never noticed any issue with hair on my upper lip). He likes when I look hot in front of his friends and he does ask me to put on more make up sometimes. He even said he wants to help me pick out a wardrobe. But for some reason, the way he went about this hurt in a way that I can’t figure out. How do I talk to him about this?
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It’s manipulative because he put you in a position to have to ask him the same thing “back.”
Also is he going to pay for this?
you’re not his Barbie doll to be flaunted around to his friends, don’t make any changes except maybe get rid of him because wtf??? You should be liked and loved how you are.
Everything here sounds like he sees you as his accessory rather than as a person and partner. I’m not sure there is a way to address this that he’d be receptive to. After all, he wouldn’t take feedback from his watch or belt, would he?
It sounds like you agree tho. You would do it more if you could afford it and he’s solving that issue. Having said that it seems like a weird thing for him to be rude over. And yes he was rude and your feelings are valid.
booooooooooo throw him away this was a trap
I’m gonna go against the grain here and say that I don’t think he did anything wrong. He asked, you’re allowed to say no. Would you rather he be looking at this constantly but never say anything?
He wasn’t rude about it, it’s something you already do occasionally, and he offered to pay (you yourself mention that a main reason you don’t do it all the time is the money).
I think this one hurts because it’s physical appearance tied to your body, not clothes or makeup. It’s more closely tied to insecurity than any of the other things.
Now, if he pressures you about it or actually makes rude comments then that would be different.
Wax that caterpillar on your lip. Prolly feels like hes making out with a dude.
yeah, i have had multiple ex girlfriends and wives with hair. i just accept it, but what is the deal with him wanting you to look hot in front of his friends? that is a problem
Do you want these things? Do you want him to pick your clothes? Do you care about looking attractive to his friends?
The answers to these questions are essential to making the right decision for you.
You feel bad because the way he did it was manipulative. You also may or may not like his attempts to mold you into an ideal that exists inside his head.
The answers to how you should proceed heavily depend on how much you want to be like the ideal that he wants you to be. But either way, I think you should tell him that you don’t like him being manipulative and indirect. For example, with the waxing thing, if it’s something you already do, he could have just asked you why you hadn’t done it lately. Directly. He didn’t have to play this whole game of “what would we change about each other” where he gets to tell himself that he is being a good partner because he offered to change first.
Personally, I don’t like to trajectory of this. I suspect it changes will keep coming and unless you are his perfect ideal, he will keep wanting to control aspects of your life and appearance.
The request on its own is not an issue. But when you couple it with him wanting you to wear more makeup and pick your clothes, it gives me an icky feeling.
What’s going to happen when he asks you to stop aging, so his trophy still looks good in front of his friends?
Ehhh, if it was just waxing I wouldn’t be too concerned. But he has also asked you to use more make-up and alter your wardrobe?
There is nothing wrong with the occasional request, but I have a problem with someone who enters a relationship and tries to mold the person into somebody they want.
It you blonde you probably have some natural white thin puff and not noticeable dark hair. Don’t touch it unless you want to do it forever and get much harder and darker hair.
If he can’t accept humans have hair- too bad
Gonna also just say – my now wife asked me to groom myself to be more attractive (go to a real barber, shave/trim more of my beard [she even bought me the tools for christmas] and told me to manscape). She also taught me how to dress/match clothing. She has also mentioned to me about eating healthier, drinking less soda, exercising. I could’ve told her to fuck off (just like you can) but I reflected on it.
I tell her when she’s got a booger in her nose, or her nails aren’t looking the best, or she smells like BO.
Idk – I don’t see the problem. If you don’t agree don’t be with him, but at least look at things from a different perspective.
Ask him to wax his balls and it’s a deal
It’s frustrating when someone you care about starts to see you more as a reflection of their image than as someone with their own needs and boundaries, but it’s also an opportunity to suggest on what kind of relationship you want to build together, one where both of you feel respected and valued for who you are, not just how you look.
Honestly, making that kind of request gives me an ick. He is sure not the worst guy out there, but personally I wouldn’t be in such a relationship and if I were, I’d be miserable. I’m not saying that you have to do and feel as I do, but if you are feeling even a bit that you prefer someone you are more compatible and comfortable with, then I encourage you to end it. He sounds just lame ngl, weird to be obsessed with your looks in that way.
Asking or mentioning something in a respectful way with no pressure is not the same as do all these things so you look hot in front of my friends. This is gross. It doesn’t seem like he cares whether you’re comfortable or like the way you are, only how he or his friends view you. If this is the only time this has come up, I’d suggest talking to him about how this makes you feel. If this is an overall theme of how he treats you and views others, I’d consider whether he’s really someone you want to be with long term. Will he be with you if you gain some weight or get sick or go through other hard times and need his support? Does he care about you as a person or just your looks?
This is a nasty slippery slope. “He likes when I look hot in front of my friends”? I’m sorry, what?! Next he’ll be offering to buy you some clothes or a boob job.
And the conniving way he told you he wanted you to wax your upper lip is gross. How badly do I wish you’d said something like, Well I wish your penis was a little bigger tbh.
He’s a creep. Who thinks you’re a trophy to parade around. Ditch him instead of the facial hair please!
Other people seem to be dealing with what he asked but I think the way he asked it is a bit of a problem? So instead of just coming out with his controlling and hurtful demand he tried to manipulate you into saying something equivalent, so he didn’t have to feel bad about what he was about to say because he’d pulled you down to his level, and he then made you work out that you were supposed to ask him back? That is really odd behaviour.
I was asked by an ex to wax my lady bits. I said I would if he did knowing he’s too much of a weakling to do it. Heck he never even manscaped. Barely got haircuts. You can agree to his demand but make him groom to the same extent you do. Hair removal, makeup, blowouts, the lot. Then he’ll see how fkn egregious his stupid boy request is.
There’s something off about him… Are you sure he wants you to look hot in front of his friends? Could it be that he wants you to look presentable? Sometimes we mix things up. But if he wants you to look hot, that’s a red flag…
Him wanting to change your appearance (hair, wardrobe, makeup), and parade you in front of his friends like a trophy, is gross.
The MF probably went on Reddit and asked people what would be a good way to ask you to wax more and went with the most thoughtful response.
I don’t like the way he did this. It feels icky and weird. Like why is your boyfriend trying to humble you? Him asking you what you would change was not genuine. He was only going into that conversation with the intent to bring up something about your physical appearance and make you feel insecure about it.
And you might be fine with him dressing you up like a doll sometimes, but I’d consider setting boundaries about that because he clearly feels entitled to make other recommendations about your appearance.
If you don’t want to get hot wax rubbed on your upper lip to rip out a hundred thin blonde hairs that no one can even see, that’s 10000% fine and normal.
>He likes when I look hot in front of his friends
I know the whole “guys is it gay to like women” thing has become cliche … but someone who is having a serious sitdown discussion about the peach fuzz a blonde gets on her lip because ultimately he is more concerned about peacocking for his MALE friends than actually caring about his partner … is not someone you want to invest time in.
That friends line, girl- that’s troubling, don’t wave that off. As a geriatric millennial- facial hair picks up as you get older. I choose an epilator because it’s a one time purchase that absolutely pays off. However, the way your boyfriend walked you into that convo was unkind. I would suggest that this boyfriend might want to look towards his hairline and pay more attention to that. The hairline thing works exceptionally well, every guy obsesses about it. So give him a complex about that (especially if it’s not even happening. Insist that “you can tell”) : ✨because you want him to look hot, ya know, in front of your friends✨
Ewwww… you deserve Better. He is 33 acting like an ignorant teenage boy who doesnt understand how bodyhair works. Tell him to wax his head!
He wants a trophy to show off, not a relationship. The control will only become more overt with time. Please no you’re worth more than that!
You know, I would lose my mind with that insanely transparent setup. I mean the “Is there anything you want to change in me?” question is hilarious. Did he think he was being really wily and cagey with that brilliant subterfuge?
I frankly would make fun of him for that, then I would tell him waxing his balls was a deal breaker. Then I would laugh and run far away.
Then, wax your upper lip. How tf is this site for real
Girls upper lip hair honestly bothers me too, but it seems like if he’s asking you to put on MORE makeup and helping you choose what to wear…. It’s obviously about more than just the hair… this seems like the beginning of a controlling relationship
If he wants you to be his trophy, he should pay for more than your upper lip wax.
Use your mustache to assert dominance
You don’t talk to him. You LEAVE. He’s testing your boundaries. Next time he’ll start controlling what you eat and who you see. He is a narcissist – they see you as an extension of themselves, not a separate person
Tell him you will consider it, after he stops making you late for everything
Grab a razor and go to town
I dunno about your bf but I guess the main question is, do you want to have a tache?
It’s possibly more noticeable than you think and if he’s offering to pay, I’d be taking up that offer if it was something that I get done anyway, now you get it done more frequently for free. I fail to see how this is a losing side for you.
Ew. I dated a guy like this who didn’t like my style (gothic) and bought me preppy outfits that he wanted me to wear. Didn’t like how I did my makeup, literally had me sit down and he did my eyeliner how he wanted it to look. Asked me to start drinking beer because “girls who drink beer are sexy.” Asked me to start eating meat “because girls who eat meat are sexy.” Even asked me to GET BRACES (despite my teeth being naturally straight) because “girls with braces are sexy.” The only difference between our situations is that I WAS FUCKING FIFTEEN AT THE TIME and he was 19. My 15 year old ass had the awareness and confidence to gtfo early. Please do the same, this guy is a controlling loser
I’ve bought my girlfriend clothes before…actually for the first time ever last week I randomly saw a dress and was like “I bet she’d look hot in this.” Spent the next 40 mins looking at clothes for her and she ended up really liking them. So subjectively i don’t see anything wrong with it. I’m kinda into it now and think it’d be fun to be a clothing designer. But I draw and design cartoons for a living so it’s not a stretch. I wouldn’t be too offended by the makeup or waxing stuff it’s better than him wanting you to cover up in a hoddie and hide you from the world. It sounds like he admires you. I personally wouldn’t say the makeup thing cause i don’t like a lot of makeup in general but i have told my girlfriend to get the stash trimmed. We laugh about it. The other day while waiting on a table at a restaurant she said “you should get a trim” and i said “I know I should’ve cut it shorter on the sides I’ll get to it.” And she said “I was talking about your ear hair.” I almost fell down laughing. We have fun. As long as you feel comfortable and feel it’s coming from a good place I think it’s fun. But each thing…hair, make up, clothing are separate issues and can depend on how drastically of a change but they can also be balled up into a “is he trying to change me” thing. But to be safe just keep an eye on that lip 😉
Ehhh. I dated someone briefly who had a hairy upper lip. She was also blond but tbh I just felt very weird kissing someone with mustache. In an ideal world nobody would care about stuff like that, but this is not an ideal world.
You’re an accessory.
First, I think the request itself is shallow. But that’s just me. I know a lot of women want to wax for themselves, so it’s not surprising that some men like it or expect it, but I just don’t like making people feel unattractive or outside of social norms for the natural ways and places they have hair.
Second, the way he went about the request sucks because he asked you to go first, without giving any indication of what he was really trying to do. He made it seem like he wanted to just give you an opportunity to give him some feedback, but really he had an agenda—an ulterior motive. This is dishonest, and it would bother me too.
It would have been better for him to ask you first and then, after that conversation, say, “And is there anything about my physical appearance or anything else that you’d change if you could?”
Do not let a man dictate your looks. Do not make small concessions about your looks because they seem small. They will escalate because he feels ownership towards your body. If someone wants to pay for it or wants to buy you clothes YOU would like that’s one thing. Telling you how much makeup to wear and how much peach fuzz you have are ridiculous requests. Treat them as such.
Also him being constantly late and only “considering it” made me roll my eyes too hard.
He wants you to “look hot for his friends” so he can show off? Ew.
just tell him that you’d rather prefer him to ask you directly. people are keep saying that it’s manipulative and yes, maybe by definition but it’s not “eww horrible” manipulative but more like “lol childish” manipulative. He probably felt weird asking about it directly so he came up with this stupid game. As long as he doesn’t push your limits and boundaries and makes you uncomfortable, I think it’s understandable for him to have some preferences about your look. but like I said, as long as he is not putting pressure on you about these.
if it is a big deal for you, talk to him about it. you don’t have to make him the a-hole for being weird about this.
What’s is worth to you to remain attractive for your bf vs. dumping him over this? None of us are qualified to answer for you.
Excuse me if I am wrong, but I think the reason you are upset is because he laid a trap for you. You can say a thing you don’t like about him, and in return, he can say something that bothers him about you.
He’s obviously thought about this for a while, and instead of having an honest conversation about it, he manipulates the conversation so you won’t have a reason to get upset with him. It shows disrespect toward you and your relationship. Instead of talking with you as an equal and risking contention, he tried to mitigate your reaction before he brought it up. It’s so underhanded.
I mean, it’s never nice to hear that a person you love has an issue with something regarding yourself, but I would have preferred truth instead of manufacturing a scenario that gives him an edge. It feels like a lack of trust on his part, that he doesn’t trust you to be able to converse about an issue.
What happens down the line if he does this level of manipulation for such a small thing as waxing? How will he talk about truly difficult issues? If you disagree about where to live, what your wedding should be like, if you will have children and if you do, how to parent them?
My question to you OP is simply this: Do you want to be manipulated into discussions where your partner tries to suppress your emotions before you’re even feeling them?
He sounds gross.
At this age men need to appreciate shit
This is toxic. If he just wanted you to wax because it was a sensory issue when you kissed, I’d be more understanding.
But the fact that he wants to change your appearance for his friends validation and approval is disgusting. He is too old for needing a trophy gf to boast over to his little buddies. Why do his friends need to think youre hot? Why does he want your friends to view you that way?
Tell him you’ll wax your top lip when he waxes his. And that you like it when he looks hot in front of your friends.
If it’s something you already did then I probably wouldn’t be as concerned but the fact he wants to dress you up and treat you like a plaything is gross…controlling and manipulative and who knows where it stops
You’re a human being not a Barbie doll. He wants you to look how he wants. He doesn’t accept you for who you are. Is this really what you want?
I have an ex like this!! Not sure how to the NSFW thing in a comment, but he asked me to leave my makeup on when we had sex 😅
My now husband was shocked by that, and it’s a running joke between us because he doesn’t care if I have makeup on, if it’s been three days since I washed my hair etc 😅
I don’t think the lip waxing request is problematic, but the rest is. Lip hair is unappealing on a woman imo, and I would equate it to wanting your man to shave his chin stubble. Wanting a partner with a groomed face is normal.
What’s not normal is requesting your partner wear more makeup, because the implication is you need makeup to be attractive. What’s also not normal is his need for his friends to desire you, or be attracted to you. That’s creepy and gross. Wanting to pick your wardrobe is also not normal, again the implication being you don’t dress well enough, or to his standards. Do you want a man who thinks so little of you?
The actual request is fine, as long as he doesn’t demand it.
My partner has asked me to shave in the past, and I’ve happily obliged.
Its the parading you in front of friends which is a bit icky.
P.s. is there a reason you have to pay to wax? Can you not just shave with a razor?
Yeah, he’s in the wrong here. Firstly, he came up with the “hypothetical” question about what you would change about each other. Yours was based on how much time he takes (time constraints). He immediately attacked your appearance and wants to control how you upkeep your body hair and what you wear, and historically seems to do similar in regards to asking you wear makeup and to looking hot in front of his friends. He wants to control you, and put you down at the same time. That’s why it hurts – because you thought you could trust him.
I’m surprised you need to being blond, I never have ( though have started plucking a few since my 40’s as something strange happens at that age). Nobody has ever commented. I think this says more about him (unless you do actually develop stubble). Beware of future suggestions (demands) coming your way, I suspect they will happen.
Now you are entitled to expect him to have the full back/sack & crack on a regular basis. Let him know that.
I mean it’s hard to tell what your relationship dynamic is based on this post.
However, I sometimes also ask my boyfriend that I’d like him to tidy up his beard, get a haircut etc.. or he asks me to shave my armpit when I forget to for a few weeks.
I personally don’t find it disrespectful/controlling it’s just our preference but ymmv.
It took an incredible amount of maturity and emotional intelligence for him to communicate this with you. Return the favor and wax (or gently shave) it. And the next time he does something that rubs you the wrong way, you now know how to communicate with your partner how you feel and can watch it become resolved.
I would never want to be around anyone this shallow and controlling.
My partner has never in a decade commented on any body or facial hair, asked me to do anything to change my look, or made me feel anything but beautiful to him. That’s the bar for me now. Don’t accept less than how you would treat someone.
I’d tell you to look at the red flags but there’s so many in just this one post you’d get lost in the labyrinth and not find your way out.
I need to clarify the situation:
The guy who isn’t confident enough to just directly tell you “I don’t like the way you present yourself” tried to dog walk you into aesthetically grooming to meet his need to have approval from his friends.
This hurt because none of it was about you with the exception of how you can change your life and routine to please him. What’s so compelling about this guy that makes you want to stay in a relationship with him?
Ew. Why does he want to change you instead of dating someone he likes the way they are?
That’s rude asf, tell him how it makes you feel when he nitpicks. I’d be tempted to make a dig back but that won’t solve anything. Part of a healthy relationship is letting your partner be human and accepting them for that.
Wow let’s hope you never have any breakouts or anybody changes from a future pregnancy or he will absolutely lose it. (sarcastically rolling my eyes as hard as I possibly can) first off this is a huge sign that he’s way into your physical than your inner beauty and traits. I find it personally offensive that he asks you to wear more makeup! Your natural self should absolutely be perfect to him. I’m not trying to sound shitty here but he sounds like a real immature guy. Perhaps you think about this now and think about your future body bc we all go through changes as we grow older.
😬
Yeah, does he think you’re his Barbie or something?
Its one thing to not let your gf walk around with a sign stuck to her back that someone placed on her that says kick me or to go out of the house wearing clothes that are too wrinkled that you first should iron/steam before she wears them out. It’s another thing to value ones friends opinions more than the mental health of ones gf and to use manipulation to control ones gf into conforming to an appearance standard based on “looking hot” for ones friends, rather than supporting her with how she chooses to take care of her self.
I can only imagine the shitshow if she were to gain a lb or 2….
If it was just upper lip I would understand it, sometimes that is distracting to me. And that’s also how I would go about doing it – give you the opportunity to “tinker” with me also to show that I am acting in good faith and not trying to be controlling.
The other stuff sounds weird and creepier to me