TL;DR Went out with my friends after my serving shift, boyfriend began accusing me of cheating, I decided not to come home while being called names and wrongly accused because I was upset, boyfriend is now trying to evict me because he “can’t live with a cheater”
Hello,
Once a month I decide to go out with friends. Normally, this is after our work shift and we get off work around midnight. The bars are open for an hour or two after we get off work.
My classes start again on Monday, and this past week I went gluten free so I have had a lot more energy. My coworker, Gina, has a LDR with her boyfriend and he is in town for the weekend. I had never met him before, so she invited me out. These plans were made less than 30 minutes before the end of our shift, and we work in a tip pool, so I couldn’t break off from my job duties to text or call my partner about the plans until I got done.
The bartender, Jim, is also really close friends with Gina. Gina’s shift ended an hour before mine, and she doesn’t have a car, so she waited at our bar with Jim’s girlfriend and her best friend, Dan (who is gay, this is important information). They are now also invited to the plans, which I don’t find out until I get off my shift and have already agreed to the plans. ANOTHER coworker of ours, Nick (single and straight, also very important) ends up joining in, also.
When I agreed to go out, the only people who were confirmed to be going were Gina, her boyfriend, and our other female coworker Tish.
Anyways, my boyfriend gets very upset at the idea of me going out. His reasoning is that I don’t spend enough time with him, and don’t have enough sex with him, so something must be wrong. He has been complaining about the lack of sex for months, saying there must be another man. I actually ended up getting my thyroid, sex hormones and regular bloodwork checked, and also scheduled with a sleep specialist for a sleep study because I am always tired. So far, everything has come back normal, so my PCP suggested to go gluten-free until I meet with the sleep specialist and see if that helps with my downright exhaustion and low libido. So far, it’s working.
I call him, trying to console him on my way to the event. He is very upset. I even offer not to go, but he says the problem isn’t me going out, it’s that he feels neglected.
So I get to the place and I am still sitting outside alone texting him trying to console him. Within thirty minutes, he is accusing me of cheating. I try to console him more, but at this point I get offended and annoyed at being called names and accused of cheating, and even more annoyed about being told I don’t have enough sex with him (because at this point I realize this is the exact reason why I don’t have sex with him often), and tell him I really don’t know what to do. I’m not being mean, just trying to console him.
I tell him he can FaceTime me if he wants, he doesn’t. He has my location, I tell him he can pull up if he wants to. Eventually I end up going to the bathroom with the girls, and while I’m peeing, one of the girls I am with starts crying because a random lady in the bathroom has been complimenting her a lot (this girl had been drinking for many hours prior to all of this), so I end up getting pulled into the conversation after I am finished using the restroom. I send my boyfriend a photo of me holding everyone’s purses while they take turns peeing.
At this point, it’s 1:45, and everyone is starting to get kicked out of the bar because they stop serving at 1:40. We meet up with the boys in the parking lot. The parking lot is behind the building, as there is a street directly in front of the building, and the front door of the bar is in the back of the building. My boyfriend doesn’t know this, so he begins accusing me of sleeping with someone in my car in the parking lot. I send him a photo of all of our feet in a circle where we are talking, trying to show him that I am standing between Gina and her boyfriend fully clothed. I explain I am giving Gina and her boyfriend a ride home, which is near our house.
He is livid at this point that I haven’t called him yet. I haven’t called him because I didn’t want my friends knowing he was enraged, but I also told him I would answer his call if he wanted to call me.
The accusations get worse and worse, so I end up just staying at Gina’s house until 7am, replying here and there and realize he has blocked my number.
I uber home and he is pissed. He tells me I have to sleep on the floor, that I should prepare for an eviction notice this week, changes the WiFi password (because my classes start monday and I don’t have a laptop), and basically tells me he can’t live with a cheater because the original list of people who were going ended up being a “lie” since more people joined in. He is convinced now that I am cheating on him with Nick.
I can’t even begin to explain how much I am not cheating on him, but at this point I am frustrated and looking for my own place anyways. He is mad because I am not showing guilt or remorse. I told him I can’t, because I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. I’ve been out with the same exact people before, and he has told me “it’s fine, you don’t need to call me because I don’t want to intrude on your friend time”. That was exactly one month ago, which is the last time I hung out with my friends outside of work. I rarely drink or go out, and in general I’m a pretty responsible person and get my shit done.
Comments
Why would you want to stay with somebody who thinks you’re cheating on them?
What are you asking? He wants you out and u want to be out. Just sounds like you guys broke up.
Is he 37 or 17? Be happy you two broke up. He’s an insecure crybaby. Odds are he is so consumed with you cheating because he is cheating on you (or trying his best to cheat). You did nothing wrong here.
Just leave, or are you dependent on him?
Eh, I’d have gathered proof before throwing accusations, but something about this stinks. Either way, if he won’t listen or talk to you, it’s over. Start making arrangements to move.
I feel bad for both of you. Disclaimer: none of his behavior calling you names and accusing you constantly that night is acceptable at all. Full stop.
That said, put yourself in his shoes for a just a sec. One thing you mentioned he was upset about is you not spending time with him, but making time for your friends. You don’t mention here, but IF that’s true and you guys haven’t been spending much time together (sex stuff aside for the moment), you can see why he’d start feeling rejected and unwanted. Now add a drop in your libido recently and lack of sex, and I can totally see where the insecure self talk got him paranoid. Especially if he’s been cheated on in the past. Sex for guys in serious relationships is important many times, not just for the physical aspect, but as a way to feel close to our partner. The biological imperative for humans and all mammals is: male tries like crazy to get a mate, and the female gets to be choosy and pick the best choice. So, our wife/GF actually choosing to make love to us is mind blowing just on principle, and very intimate in making us feel close. So, you can see why your BF falls in the super annoying “you won’t have sex so you’re CHEATING!!!!!” trope. Unfortunate.
You should probably break up. He doesn’t trust you. Whether or not that mistrust is unfounded makes no difference. I wish other men would learn to silence that nonsense self talk and find a way to connect that ISN’T “hey…sex me. You never sex me. Sex me? Come on, sex me?” constantly. As you mentioned, kind of a turn off. No one wants sex to be an expected chore added to the list of things we do for other people.
For the future, hopefully with a different, less paranoid dude lol, maybe try to focus in more on committing time together, sex or no sex. Again, that’s assuming his “we never see each other” thing is even a valid complaint. If it isn’t, then disregard and just dump him.
He is an asshole. Leave.
I wouldn’t want to be with someone so insecure they resort to name calling & threats of eviction & saying you have to sleep on the floor. I’d dump him and move out ASAP.
Leave! You deserve so much better!
You explain in excruciating detail the night it all falls apart and ask us if you were in the wrong. But the truth is the relationship has produced enormous resentment from your BF. I can see why your BF felt the way he did since the night included guys and was not just girls. And nothing says I am not cheating like staying out all night. Chefs kiss to the end of the relationship right there.
Tale as old as time – usually when you’re being accused of cheating means the accuser is. He has told you that you don’t spend enough time with you and not enough sex. What does he expect you to do? Never go out with friends? Doesn’t sound like you’ve given him a reason to think you’re cheating.
Stop putting up with this and find somewhere else to live. You don’t need this old clown giving you grief. It’s not your job to nurse his insecurities.