My Boyfriend (28M) and I (26F) haven’t had sex yet. We have been dating a few months and it’s going really really well. Only thing in the way is that we haven’t had sex.
He is a virgin, whereas I am not. He still pleases me in every other way possible in bed, just everything except his penis.
He is bisexual and has sexual trauma from the past as well. He’s also is insecure about his body, all of which contributes to him not being able to get it up while we are in bed together.
He has told me many times that he is ready, he just doesn’t know why his body behaves this way. I know that he finds me attractive because he has told me so in many words.
I don’t know if there is any advice you can give me on how I can make him feel more comfortable with me. I don’t even care about the sex that much, I just want him to feel as comfortable as possible.
Comments
He could just be gay gay not half gay
You are fooling yourself.
Break up right now
You’re doing the right thing patience is power when someone’s healing, not a weakness. Just keep creating a pressure-free, affirming space where trust grows faster than performance anxiety love, not lust, will open that door.
most probably he’s gay, its not normal when girl is around you and you are not hard .
Well you sound like a lovely and caring couple. I think he should go to individual therapy to work on his trauma. And as to PIV sex I think you should take it off the table for now.
Instead focus on how you can please each other sexually without PIV or orgasm being the focus. It sounds like he is getting you off which is great if aint broke there is nothing to fix. And I would reassure your boyfriend that you are happy and sexually satisfied with the sex you are having now. Alot of sex is mental so the stress of thinking he has to have PIV sex with you when you are having other kinds of pleasurable sex with him is probably making him feel inadequate which is a vicious cycle. Its not clear from your post what kind of sexual activity he enjoys to receive. Focus on making both of you feel good and with time, patience and safety while he processes his trauma it may be that eventually PIV sex will become a possibility.
Also it could be that even after therapy PIV is not an option though its too early to tell for now. But some couples do have full sex lives where PIV sex isnt a possibility (because of trauma, medical conditions, because one partner doesnt like penetration etc) and they still enjoy their sex lives. Every couple is different and your sex lives can still be enjoyable no matter what ends up happening especially if you are patient, transparent and communicate with each other honestly, lovingly and respectfully.
You’re doing everything right by being patient and caring. Just keep showing him he’s safe, loved, and not pressured. Healing takes time, and your support means more than you know.
I think if you are not worried about being intimate at this point, I would just continue your relationship as is and let it evolve naturally. It’ll happen.
It’s hard to deal with sexual trauma and it’s going to be hard for you to make him comfortable, but you’re doing the right thing. The only thing you can do is tell him that he doesn’t have to do anything, and that you would never do anything he doesn’t want. Also reassure him and make sure you’re in a safe space. I’d really recommend you encourage him to go to therapy. It’s hard at first but he needs it. Sexual trauma is no joke, and you should look it up and understand how it affects people. Maybe consult a professional to understand it and understand him more. Just don’t make him feel ashamed about it. Asking Reddit is not always a good idea though.
In the same boat. He’s 32, I’m 29. He’s not a virgin but it’s been close to 10 years without sex. He also takes anxiety medicine with impacts his libido. I have a high sex drive so it’s been difficult for me, but I love our relationship and him enough to wait until he’s ready. I expressed that it does make me question things and make my insecurities go nuts, but he’s reassured me many times. My advice, wait until he’s ready. That’s what I’m going to do. It sucks, but at the same time I love that our relationship isn’t focused on sex like most of my others have been. Him and I are creating a very solid foundation that has so much potential for end game. I do hope he’s ready for it soon though lol
If it’s meant to be it will happen. Nature will take its course naturally.
I’m the one with low libido and trauma while my husband has high libido and no trauma. It can be hard sometimes.
Best thing is to just take things at his pace. Sounds like y’all are still being intimate just not going “all the way” which is good. Take this time to experiment with foreplay and toys for you both.
Maybe it would help/be hot if you asked questions while you pleasure him? Do you want me to do this or do that and then work up to asking for more at a time when he’s already excited. 🤷🏻♀️
Stressing about it might be another factor. Make sure you reassure him that you’re satisfied and there’s no pressure to do anything he’s not ready for. That you’d rather him be completely ready rather than trying to rush things.
I’ve paid for multiple different “classes” on apps like BlueHeart and Beducation but it really comes down to communication every single time. BlueHeart does do something like touch therapy sessions so it possible that could help. We thought it was silly but I could see someone with worse trauma than mine benefiting from it.
Its not gonna sound right but my first time I was the same as him too, I got drunk with the person I did it with and it helped me go though it, not drunk until you’re unconscious but slightly drunk to make you be confident, both in yall senses tho from there I got to do it sober and it really helped
On your part, the only thing you can do is be supportive and patient. You can try to show him how attracted you are to him in multiple ways, but ultimately, I would suggest he seek professional medical treatment. He should speak to his PCP and any psychotherapists he may have or get some if he doesn’t already.
It sounds like you’re already doing the right things by not pressuring him and respecting his boundaries. There’s nothing more you can do. His past trauma and body image problems need to be addressed with therapy
Boner pills. 💊
If you haven’t had sex yet and don’t care about penetration just enjoy your time together NO pressure.