My (25F) boyfriend (26M) and I have been together for about 3 years and lived together for one. Last year, he went on a trip to visit his family, and while he was there, he let me know that his mom (who lives with his aunt and his grandparents) has been having a really hard time with her mental health and would need to move in with us for a few weeks. He assured me that it was just a temporary arrangement until she could find an apartment in our town. I was totally okay with this because it’s the kind and right thing to do to help your mom, and I really appreciate how much my boyfriend loves and supports his family. Because we live in a two bedroom house, and one of those bedrooms is my boyfriend’s office (he works from home full time), the only available living/sleeping space for his mom is our dining room, so, per his suggestion, I cleaned and cleared the dining room and, when his mom arrived, we took our additional bed frame and mattress out of storage and put it there for her to sleep on.
The reason I’m writing this is because it’s been 6 months and this woman is still happily living in our dining room and there’s nothing I can do about it without looking like a total dick. I had a very heated conversation with my boyfriend about this situation after a month had gone by and zero effort had been made to find her another place to live, at which point he admitted that he had lied to me in order to get me agree to have her come live with us. He originally told me she had a fully remote job, but this is not true. She is on disability and does not have enough money to move out. Also, she is under the impression that she will be living with us for the rest of her life.
Don’t get me wrong, I like my boyfriend’s mom, but it’s insanely awkward to have her living in our dining room and watching shows all day on her laptop. I can’t cook or use the kitchen without her cornering me and talking to me for an insanely long period of time. I don’t want to be rude, so I don’t know how to tell her to stop. She also barges into our bedroom unannounced on a regular basis and is badgering my boyfriend about giving up his office so she can sleep in that room instead. My boyfriend and I can no longer have dinner together or go on date nights without her interjecting in some way or blubbering about how she isn’t invited. It’s just so uncomfortable.
I feel like he’s not able to set adequate boundaries with her, and my heart is broken because in my most recent attempt to talk this through with him, he suggested that *I* find my own apartment and move out. He’s upset that I won’t have sex with him anymore, but frankly, I’m terrified that his mom will barge in or worse, be outside the door listening (I’ve caught her doing this outside his office door). It’s such an unsexy environment and I’m not sure why he doesn’t understand that. He seems to be okay with her living in our dining room because his plan is for her to get so uncomfortable and annoyed with it that she’ll move back in with his grandparents and aunt at some point. This, to me, is ridiculous. It’s been six months. She’s very settled in and comfortable.
Anyway, here’s my question: what can I do to fix this? What do the steps need to be to actually remedying the living situation or the boundaries? Is the relationship totally doomed? I love my boyfriend and I’m honestly devastated that his mom has derailed our relationship like this. It’s not her fault that she’s disabled (I believe she has an autoimmune condition), and it’s also not her fault that my boyfriend lied to me, but this is all weighing on me and I’m worried I’m going to end up lashing out at her. She doesn’t deserve that, but I also don’t deserve to live like this.
TLDR: My (25F) boyfriend’s (26M) mom is living in our dining room and it’s tearing our relationship apart. Not sure where to go from here.
Comments
Dump him and move out. It will not get better. He’s straight up told you he lied to you to manipulate you and doesn’t really care if you move out. Let him have Mommy and you can find much, much better for yourself.
Call his bluff, pack your things, and move. Why would you stay in a place where your needs and boundaries are being constantly disrespected?
He knew you weren’t going to be comfortable with this. That’s why he lied about it. He had a moment of choice, where he thought “hmm, between telling Big-Foundation the truth and lying, I think lying sounds better.”
She will never move out. Let’s just lay that right down. Any attempt to get her to move out will be met with tears, blubbering, and declarations of homelessness. Any attempt will make YOU the bad guy.
So, your choices are either accept that Mom is a permanent fixture and you will not have privacy again until she dies, or you move out. I sure know which one I’d choose.
Leave. He lied to you about something so big and serious? How can you ever trust him? What’s even worse is that he will pick her over you and did. The good part is that now you know that and you can now find someone who wouldn’t do that to you. He fucking lied and has no plans for her to leave, ever I’m sure. He told you to get your own apartment and that would have been all I needed to hear. He picked her already. Let them fade into obscurity together without you. Seriously, what I can’t understand is why you think this is acceptable? Why would you let someone treat you this way? This isn’t normal behavior. I giving you good advice because he will always pick her and I highly doubt you deserve that. I wouldn’t be able to physically stay there once he asked me to get my own apartment. She could work but she does not want to. Your bf is perfectly happy living with his mother that will probably never leave and you should look out for yourself now. I wish you the best of your of luck!!
He lied to you because he knew you’d say no if you knew the truth of the situation. He’ll do it again if you stay because you’ve allowed the behavior. Time to pack up and move on with your life.
The only thing you can do to fix this is move out. Doing it after a month was the best time, second best is now. Hugs and good luck.
Nothing. There is NOTHING you can do to change his mind.
It’s accept your terrible fate, or leave.
you said it at the end yourself girl. it’s NOT his mom’s fault that he lied to you, it’s his fault. she’s not derailing your relationship, your boyfriend is actively doing that, since the beginning when he LIED TO YOU!!!! move out
You have a boyfriend problem.
He lied to you! Personally, I’d not be able to get past the lie. Relationships are built on trust and he’s broken that.
Your only option is to move out into your own apartment!
>he suggested that *I* find my own apartment and move out.
You know where you fall in the hierarchy in this situation. He has chosen his mother over you. The only sane thing for you to do is to move and have him pay for your movers and any fees associated with removing your name from the existing lease, etc.
Girl, you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a boyfriend problem!!!! He lied to you and manipulated you, you are currently living an absolute nightmare with your needs, privacy, boundaries and space being disrespected and disregarded and THAT man does not care!!! Don’t waste your life dealing with this BS! Leave! Can you imagine a marriage with this? Having kids with this?
He lied to you about something really fundamental. And now he has said if you aren’t happy, you should move out. I think you should go ahead and take him at his word.
He told an incredibly huge and significant lie to you, knowing that you would not have been ok with her living with you permanently. His mom didn’t derail your relationship. He did. She is not the problem. He is.
Your relationship is over. You need to break up and move out, or bf and mom need to move out.
I’m sorry that you’ve been put in this impossible position. I know it must really suck. Your boyfriend still has a lot of growing up to do. Even if you successfully convinced him to make his mother leave, he’s going to hold it against you, which fixes nothing for you. You’ve been kind and patient even in the face of being lied to and I can’t see anything you can do to fix this. It’s on him and he’s not going to fix anything. Time to go.
His mom didn’t derail your relationship, HE did by lying and allowing her to move in for the rest of her life.
He’s choosing his mommy over you.
You don’t need to fix this. If there is deception, there is no relationship. Say the Townsends (gurus on boundaries of all kinds) and they are right. Pack your things, move out and into a better situation. No explanation or negotiation needed.
He lied about something huge. And he KNEW you weren’t going to be on board with it. Dump him. You’re so young. Go enjoy life. Don’t be a nurse and a purse.
Move out. She’s not leaving. They need to figure out the rent themselves and the fact that he admitted to lying to get you to agree is WILDDD. She can’t be that old even, and if you don’t leave you’ll be signed up to live with her potentially for another 20-30 years. Get out now.
You need a reality check. The fact that he moved his mom in and lied about her situation is inexcusable. You should have kicked him to the curb at that moment. There is no world where this man is a decent partner to you. There is no world where he becomes a person capable of loving you in the way you deserve. He is not your person.
You will never get him to set boundaries with his mom. Know that.
He lied about something that affects your life forever, never mind your relationship.He took away your choice to determine what your life looks like. All for his own selfish reasons. Let that sink in.
I’d move out and break up. There’s no sense in moving out and continuing with him. You can’t marry because mom is a package deal. She’s always going to be living with him. You’ll only be kicking the can down the road.
> what can I do to fix this?
Well, either you or his mother need to move out. You know that he lied to you about his mom so he’s already chosen who it will be. Look after yourself and your happiness, because no one else is.
Sorry – you can’t fix this. He LIED to you. He knew this was going to be long term, he knew you’d be unhappy, so he lied. He does not seem to care that you’re unhappy.
Yes everyone. And also why doesn’t he move his office to the dining room and move her in there so she’s not in your faces 24/7?
Is his plan to make her uncomfortable and move out? Or YOU?
The answer to your question is, you don’t fix this. It’s not up to you to fix it. There are only two people who can fix it— your boyfriend and his mom. She can either take it upon herself to realize what she’s doing and move out already, or he can take ownership of the fact that he created this situation and is enabling it and tell his mom it’s time for her to leave.
But this isn’t a battle you yourself are going to win. You can do just three things here:
I think most of us would choose #3 in this scenario, and I think that deep down you know that’s the answer too. Don’t waste your youth on this mess.
So he lied and manipulated you rather than tell you the truth.
Please see the future, because you’re living it daily.
I hope you love yourself enough to leave, your money, your work, your physical and mental health will be sacrificed for her, is that the life you want?
You should take his suggestion and move out and block him. Why would you want to be with someone who has allowed this? They’ve manipulated you and you don’t even have an actual space for her to live.. this is ridiculous. He can live with mommy forever. Bounce.
He lied to you.
How many other lies has he done?
He isn’t the only one who lied to you. His family lied too.
He is still lying to you.
If I were to flip this and think I’m your boyfriend talking to you, I would be wondering how long you’re going to stay and what else must I do to get you to move out without telling you I want you to move out? I already told you to move out but you’re still here. What do I do now?
Perhaps he got his mother to come there and hope that you would not stay around?
In all seriousness, his office should’ve been the dining room and the bedroom should’ve been his mother’s, temporarily. But you already know this.
That’s not what he did.
He probably hoping his mama will say something to you to get you to move out.
Most places have facilities where they provide housing for the disabled and/or seniors. There is generally a waitlist. You don’t mention if this has been done so I doubt it has been done.
I’m sorry, young lady, but it doesn’t sound like either one of them wants you there.
It is time to hit the road and never look back.
Make your exit quick and don’t delay.
I do wish you the best because I think you deserve the best.
You obviously are a kind, caring woman because of what you have accepted in your life thus far.
But do not be a doormat for anyone.
This dude is ridiculous.
He knew you would disagree with letting his Mom move into your home so lied so he could get her in; which is disrespectful to you.
He knew it was going to be long term but won’t give up his office so she could have a private space of her own; which is disrespectful to his Mom.
This guy is only thinking about himself here. If he’s completely comfortable lying to you about a huge decision what relationship is there to salvage?
Dump him for someone who has more respect for the women in his life.
Leave. The primary relationship here is between him and his mom. You’re the sidepiece now.
If he’s suggesting that you move out, it really is already over. Just leave.
“What can I do to fix this?” You can move the hell out like your boyfriend so kindly suggested. I mean, he TOLD you he lied to get his mom in the door. She’s NEVER leaving. But you can, and you should. Dump this jerk!
>at which point he admitted that he had lied to me in order to get me agree to have her come live with us.
Nope, time to get the landlord involved, you have an illegal tenant on your hands. Ask them to help get her out. Or, see if you can get out of the lease and put his mom on it with him and find another place to stay
Be mean, this relationship is over once lies come in.
I’m so sorry you are going through this, it’s not fair at all. However, you don’t fix this. He lied to you so easily and will continue to do so. He will put his mom above you every time and that’s not okay.
This would be relationship ending for me. Go have a good cry.
It will get ugly and he will likely try to guilt trip, so make sure to have all sentimental items and legal documents secured before breaking the news.
People always say “my SO would never do that” but you likely thought he would never lie before he did.
It’s not about if it’s the right thing to help his mom, that’s his mom, it’s the right thing for him. What’s not right, for you, is he lied to you and you don’t have an adequate living situation for her and he has no boundaries. This will only get worse if you stay, not better.
> at which point he admitted that he had lied to me in order to get me agree to have her come live with us.
You need to stop worrying about looking like a jerk.
He lied to you. This entire arrangement was entered under false pretenses. He never gave you an opportunity to accurately assess what you’d be signing up for. You have every right to rescind your agreement in light of the new information (and the dishonesty).
Honestly, I think this relationship is done.
Your boyfriend’s mom didn’t derail your relationship, your boyfriend did.
He made the choice to look you directly in the eye and deliberately lie to you. Not only that, but a HUGE deliberate lie that severely impacts your life. Personally, I could not continue a relationship with a person who did this. The trust would be completely gone
He lied to you about something incredibly significant.
What else will he do?
(Don’t let him baby trap you.)
And how much more time are you going to waste on this ? How did you not pack your bags the moment he TOLD you he LIED to you about something so huge ? Have some self esteem !
There is nothing to salvage here, you should leave and start therapy to understand how you could tolerate that.
Move out and please don’t feel bad for one single second if they can’t afford the rent without you
He suggested that you move out. Given he’s not willing/able to change the situation, this is your only option. Of course, if it comes to this, you would be best to make a clean break from him.
Are your parents local? Are you able to move in with them while you get your life back on track?
>he admitted that he had lied to me in order to get me agree to have her come live with us.
Why do you want to fix this? He lied to your face. Your BF is not a trustworthy partner, and without that, there’s nothing on which to base a relationship. Time to call it.
Don’t waste your time on a mommas boy. You will always come second to his mom. It will only get worse if you marry, or heaven forbid, have kids.
He lied to your face, don’t stay with a dishonest person. If he can lie to you about this, he can lie about anything.
You lost me when you said he lied to you about all of this. What is there to save? He didn’t give a shit about your thoughts on moving her in. He didn’t give a shit about uncomfortable it made you. What is there to save?
OP if he lied to you about this, imagine what he’ll lie about in the future! You now know your boyfriend is capable of lying to you in order to get you to do what he wants. Is that okay with you?
He literally said if you don’t like it, move out. So you know you will always come second and he will always let him mum over ride you. So this relationship is t its end.
She won’t move out, he won’t make her move out so the only solution is for you to move out. Sad but true, you have a mommy’s boy on your hand and his mom will always come first and you will just be there in the background.
It sounds like you need to start looking for new places to live. He will either wise up and see you’re serious, or you will move out and you have the answer of where you fall in his priorities. You’ve tried to have the serious conversation about this and his response was that you should find a new place… that kinda tells you where he’s at. You can’t change his mind or make him see the issue if he isn’t willing to.
Break up with him and move out. He admitted lying to you and he’s shown you he doesn’t care about how you feel regarding this situation. Leave him
You move out. He lied to you and has enabled her.
He told you to move out. He lied to you. He’s made his choice. Now you have to make yours.