hi!
i am a long-time listener of THT, but first time posting on here for advice… i am really needing some advice.
i caught my (19F) boyfriend (19M) digging into old text messages/ photos on my ipad when i came home from work a few months ago. for some background, we have known each other since we were 13 years old and have been close friends for a long time. we started dating in july 2024, and i moved in with him and his family in october 2024 (my parents were moving out of state, and i was already attending community college in state. so, i couldn’t move with them. i also can’t afford to live on my own because i am paying for college in CASH. no grants, no loans, no help from parents). his family has been great and only charge me $200/ month for me to stay with them. i also share a room with my boyfriend, which is why it is so low.
around the beginning of january, i got home from work and caught him on my ipad that i use primarly for school. i had never given him the password to it either- my guess is he has watched me type it in numerous times and has possibly been digging around in my ipad for even longer than this one time.. i had a serious conversation with him on how i felt like my privacy was invaded because i had never given him permission to go in it, let alone TOUCH my ipad. not to mention it is the newest version as well, which costed me $1,300 in cash, $380 for the apple keyboard case, and $120 for the apple pencil. so, lets just say it was a big investment in myself for being able to save up enough money to put myself through college for the next 2 1/2 years.
i asked him why he felt the need to go through my personal device, because you can access my banking app, private message conversations with friends/ parents, passwords, and any type of log-in info through using my ipad. everything that is on my phone is essentially on my ipad too. his response? “just because i felt like it.” while on my ipad he said he looked through my texts with my friends, admitted to looking at VERY old conversations with other guys i had talked to/ dated in the past as well. this is where i got very upset. why would he even think to go through old conversations? he told me when he looked through them, he got upset because of things that were said in them, private matters, such as conversations about “the deed” and just general flirting/ relationship things.
we had a long conversation about how i felt my privacy had been completely invaded. i asked him if he had done this multiple times before, to which he told me yes… he admitted to being upset that i had pictures of other guys on my phone (big group pictures with girls and guys, prom pictures with my dates, and graduation pics with some of my other male/female friends). i was in shock. being mad about me having pictures of big high school events just because there were other guys in them? i know that the last girl he was in a 3-year relationship with left him for another guy… and i told him that i get it if he is insecure about that situation or has some trust issues, but to not put that on me because i am not his ex.
after this, i changed my password on my phone, ipad, and apple watch to all be different from one another. every time i use my ipad, i turn the screen so he can’t see, same with my phone. the weird thing is, i have absolutely nothing to hide, but i feel like he doesn’t need to have access to everything i text someone or personal info. i had never even had the thought of ever going through his phone- and i don’t even know HIS passwords. it has been a few months of this and i feel like whenever i go on my phone/ipad he is always looking at what i am doing on purpose. when i text a friend or family member he is ALWAYS making sure to look at it. when i tell him that it is a private conversation, he gets a little offended and almost suspicious.
mind you- i do not go out to parties, or hangout with guys, or hardly anyone. im usually hanging out with some of my (gay) male friends every other week because all of my girlfriends go to school out of state. im also just too occupied with full time school and working 40hrs/ week, plus i just don’t like drinking/partying because alcoholism runs in my family. however, he is always hanging out with his friends and drinking on the weekends, while there are also other girls there, but i do not mention that i feel weird about it to him. i trust him but should i? i feel like i have to keep proving to him that im not doing anything fishy because he acts like he SHOULD be able to know my password, but i don’t agree that a s/o should have 100% access to your phone to just dig for something to make you look bad, it feels controlling and obsessive.
is this a red flag? if so, would it be big enough to leave over? do i have my rose-colored glasses on? should i say something to him? i don’t have anywhere else to go live so if i chose to leave over this, i dont know what would happen.
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Backup of the post’s body: hi!
i am a long-time listener of THT, but first time posting on here for advice… i am really needing some advice.
i caught my (19F) boyfriend (19M) digging into old text messages/ photos on my ipad when i came home from work a few months ago. for some background, we have known each other since we were 13 years old and have been close friends for a long time. we started dating in july 2024, and i moved in with him and his family in october 2024 (my parents were moving out of state, and i was already attending community college in state. so, i couldn’t move with them. i also can’t afford to live on my own because i am paying for college in CASH. no grants, no loans, no help from parents). his family has been great and only charge me $200/ month for me to stay with them. i also share a room with my boyfriend, which is why it is so low.
around the beginning of january, i got home from work and caught him on my ipad that i use primarly for school. i had never given him the password to it either- my guess is he has watched me type it in numerous times and has possibly been digging around in my ipad for even longer than this one time.. i had a serious conversation with him on how i felt like my privacy was invaded because i had never given him permission to go in it, let alone TOUCH my ipad. not to mention it is the newest version as well, which costed me $1,300 in cash, $380 for the apple keyboard case, and $120 for the apple pencil. so, lets just say it was a big investment in myself for being able to save up enough money to put myself through college for the next 2 1/2 years.
i asked him why he felt the need to go through my personal device, because you can access my banking app, private message conversations with friends/ parents, passwords, and any type of log-in info through using my ipad. everything that is on my phone is essentially on my ipad too. his response? “just because i felt like it.” while on my ipad he said he looked through my texts with my friends, admitted to looking at VERY old conversations with other guys i had talked to/ dated in the past as well. this is where i got very upset. why would he even think to go through old conversations? he told me when he looked through them, he got upset because of things that were said in them, private matters, such as conversations about “the deed” and just general flirting/ relationship things.
we had a long conversation about how i felt my privacy had been completely invaded. i asked him if he had done this multiple times before, to which he told me yes… he admitted to being upset that i had pictures of other guys on my phone (big group pictures with girls and guys, prom pictures with my dates, and graduation pics with some of my other male/female friends). i was in shock. being mad about me having pictures of big high school events just because there were other guys in them? i know that the last girl he was in a 3-year relationship with left him for another guy… and i told him that i get it if he is insecure about that situation or has some trust issues, but to not put that on me because i am not his ex.
after this, i changed my password on my phone, ipad, and apple watch to all be different from one another. every time i use my ipad, i turn the screen so he can’t see, same with my phone. the weird thing is, i have absolutely nothing to hide, but i feel like he doesn’t need to have access to everything i text someone or personal info. i had never even had the thought of ever going through his phone- and i don’t even know HIS passwords. it has been a few months of this and i feel like whenever i go on my phone/ipad he is always looking at what i am doing on purpose. when i text a friend or family member he is ALWAYS making sure to look at it. when i tell him that it is a private conversation, he gets a little offended and almost suspicious.
mind you- i do not go out to parties, or hangout with guys, or hardly anyone. im usually hanging out with some of my (gay) male friends every other week because all of my girlfriends go to school out of state. im also just too occupied with full time school and working 40hrs/ week, plus i just don’t like drinking/partying because alcoholism runs in my family. however, he is always hanging out with his friends and drinking on the weekends, while there are also other girls there, but i do not mention that i feel weird about it to him. i trust him but should i? i feel like i have to keep proving to him that im not doing anything fishy because he acts like he SHOULD be able to know my password, but i don’t agree that a s/o should have 100% access to your phone to just dig for something to make you look bad, it feels controlling and obsessive.
is this a red flag? if so, would it be big enough to leave over? do i have my rose-colored glasses on? should i say something to him? i don’t have anywhere else to go live so if i chose to leave over this, i dont know what would happen.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I feel like people who do this are the ones usually hiding shit. You respect his privacy and he goes and pulls this? Unacceptable.
Dumped. Dumped so fucking hard. This is in so way shape or form acceptable behavior.
This is absolutely a red flag. It may indeed stem from insecurities over his last relationship, but that’s not an excuse for a total invasion of your privacy. I’ve been married for 10 years and been with my wife for nearly 15 altogether, and I have never once gone through her devices outside of times she specifically asked me to look up something on her phone etc. We know all each other’s passwords, but have never ever used them to look at private conversations or social media messages or anything of that sort.
Trust is the ultimate cornerstone in a relationship, and if his insecurities do not allow that it will only get worse.
But honestly, if he gives any pushback on that at all, I think it’s a sign of a lot of things in the future and is worth stepping away from.
To me, it comes off as projection. He may be doing things he shouldn’t be, and projecting them onto you. It’s a major red flag that he feels like he should be able to invade your privacy and you don’t even know his passwords. If he’s still stuck on the fact that his ex left him for someone else, he shouldn’t be in a relationship yet until he’s healed.
I too like accounts that just joined reddit just a few hours ago, has a couple of random posts, and then blarts up a big ole story.
He’s cheating on you bruh
I lost all I had once when someone who did this to me turned out to be cheating. It is a shit feeling to be questioned about things that haven’t mattered in years. She constantly left me feeling “guilt” for things that never happened. I probably should’ve gone to therapy after all that but I’m alright now. It is profoundly disrespectful
In my opinion, if a guy breaks into your private device, rifles through years-old texts, and then throws a tantrum about prom photos like he’s thirteen and not nineteen, that’s not just a red flag. That’s a damn parade. Let me start with this: I’m old school. And I mean it. The fact that his parents thought it was cute to let you two shack up like you’re playing house? That’s already a problem. I don’t care how polite or broke anybody is. Grown adults should not invite chaos into their household. You were vulnerable. They should’ve set better boundaries. But here we are.
Now. About this boy. Not man. Boy. What he did wasn’t “curious.” It wasn’t “just insecure.” It was controlling. It was invasive. It was intentional. He didn’t trip and fall into your iPad. He studied you. Memorized your password. Waited until you weren’t home. Then he admitted it like it was no big deal. That’s calculated. That’s boundary-stomping behavior. That’s textbook surveillance and emotional control.
The fact that he needs to dig into your history to feel safe? That’s his work to do. Not yours to fix. Not your responsibility to pad his ego or prove your loyalty every time you text someone. That’s exhausting. That’s unhealthy. And if you stay in it long enough, that level of hypervigilance becomes normal until one day you don’t even recognize how much of yourself you’ve had to shrink just to “keep the peace.”
I’ve seen it. I’ve lived it. And yes, it starts like this: “I’m just looking.” “I was curious.” “You’re hiding something.” Next thing you know, you’re isolated, paranoid, and blaming yourself for the very behavior that he brought into the relationship. That’s coercive control. It’s subtle, but it’s dangerous. And yeah, there’s a psychological term for this: projection. He’s projecting his own insecurities and possibly even his own guilt onto you. And let’s not ignore the double standard: he parties, hangs with girls, drinks on the weekend but you send a message to a gay friend and he’s scanning it like it’s the Zapruder film? Please. You’re paying rent. You’re working 40 hours a week. You’re in school full-time. And you’re the one being policed like a criminal? Make that make sense.
Now, I hear you: you feel stuck. You don’t know where else to go. That’s real. That’s heavy. But what’s also real is that staying in a situation where someone doesn’t respect your privacy, your autonomy, or your basic sense of peace will cost you more than any rent ever could. You need an exit plan. Quietly, safely, and smartly. Start squirreling money away. Reach out to a school counselor. Look for housing assistance programs. Hell, talk to a women’s resource center near campus. But don’t stay just because you’re scared of being uncomfortable. You’re already uncomfortable. Now you just need to get brave.
Between now and dead, you’re gonna have a hundred hard choices to make. But staying with a controlling boyfriend in a bedroom you can’t even call your own? That shouldn’t be one of them.Start planning. And stop justifying what you know in your gut isn’t right. You deserve better. Period.
Maybe you need to start going to school near your parents.
Only the tip of th iceberg for poor behaviour. Don’t tolerate and leave. It gets worse later and sadly you’re not the same happy person you once were after you manage to escape their grip.
IMO is absolutely is a red flag. Some people disagree with me, but I think you absolutely should be able to have privacy from your partner for certain things. For me, I have friends struggling with their mental health, and I try to be a safe space for them. I’d never want their private, vulnerable conversations being read by my partner. Not because I’m hiding something from my partner, but because it’s simply none of their business and they have no right to those conversations because they were had in confidence.
Idk why some people think that just because you’re in a relationship that your partner is entitled to every conversation you’re a part of.
And don’t even get me started on him getting upset over group photos that have guys in them. Just save yourself the trouble and leave him.
Someone is projecting. I wouldn’t dump him, but I would start being all okay then give me your passwords, so I can go through your phone whenever I want, then be all actually I wanna look now. See how he reacts to that. Then make your decision to leave or stay from there.