TL;DR My boyfriend doesn’t show interest in learning my native language although it’s a majority language in our area and can be useful in everyday life. Instead, he’s been studying a minority language that is more connected to my country’s problematic past and neighboring countries than the current area where we’re living. His uninterest in learning the local language (my native language) makes me wonder if he actually plans to stay here and if he’s serious about us. How to deal with this feeling?
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We’re F35 and M35. We’ve been together for 0,5 years. We live in a small European country and it’s highly possible that the surrounding culture and history affects my judgement here. That’s why I feel that it would be nice to hear an outsider viewpoint.
We live in an area where my native language is the majority language. 90 % of people speak it as their native language and its also the main language of government, schooling, local business etc. I’ll call this language A later in the post.
My bf has lived here 5 years and in those years, has taught himself around 30 words of language A (cardinal numbers and a few greetings). This seems like a low amount to me and I thought that he might need some extra support with language learning (which I was ready to offer).
However, I found out that in the past 9 months, he has been self-studying another language (language B) which is a minority language and has a bit complex status in my home country. Most importantly, language B is the majority language of local old money communities and neighboring countries, not a majority language of our area. It has the benefit of being more similar to English than language A but it’s not necessarily more useful in our immediate everyday life.
Initially, I was happy that my bf was eager to speak something else than English and also gave me a chance to review my language B skills. However, after witnessing his fast progress with language B, I can’t help but wonder why he has only learned 30 words or so of my native language. I know that many people find language A very difficult but despite this, most people are still able to acquire A1 level skills in 2-3 years. More importantly, having basic skills in language A could potentially make his everyday life a bit easier.
I tried to suggest my boyfriend that we could learn each other’s native languages little by little (putting most focus on A1 level vocabulary). However, he said that learning language A might mess up his progress with language B and he will start language A studies once he’s fluent in language B. How will that fluency look like, I’m not entirely sure.
I know that he’s free to learn any languages that he wants to. However, it is disappointing to see how little interest he shows in my native language. If my native language didn’t have any pragmatic value to him, I could understand his attitude but there several everyday situations where he could benefit from knowing it (including visits with my family). His eagerness to learn a majority language of a neighboring country makes me wonder if he’s actually serious about our relationship and his stay in this country.
How should I deal with my disappointment over the fact that my bf is not interested in learning my native language?
Comments
Well have you discussed staying where you are now? Perhaps his future plans are to go elsewhere. Also maybe language B is just easier for him to learn and that’s a good stepping stone for him.
I mean you’re both adults so, nothing you can do to be honest. And that’s fine. Just talk with him to make sure you’re both on the same page about your future and what you both want, leave the languages out of it.
Since you’ve only been together for six months, I’d broach the topic like this: “The fact that you are more interested in learning language B than language A makes me question your commitment to living here, and I am not interested in building a relationship with someone who does intend to live here longterm.” (In other words, instead of questioning his commitment to you, question his commitment to living in the area/country longterm.) And then listen to what he has to say. It very well may be the case that he isn’t committed to you/living in your country. If he’s, let’s say, an American living in the Alsace region of France and learning German instead of French, it’s very possible he intends to move to Germany at some point in the near future. (Or maybe he’s just an idiot.) Best of luck.
I understand your frustration, and your feelings are valid.
I think the best solution, instead of mind-reading his intentions, would be to talk to him about it. Ask him why and ask him about his long-term plans.
His priorities may be different from yours, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to stay. If he has lived there for so long and he can survive just fine, he may not see an urgency in learning it.
In the end, remember that mind-reading is a cognitive distortion, and you can try to guess, but it doesn’t make it true. You need to know what he thinks, not what you think he is thinking, or what we think he’s thinking.
Just a curiosity: 2-3 years to get A1? That’s a lot.
It could all be down to the difficulty factor. If I’m understanding correctly, language B is similar to both English and language A. If that’s the case, then his approach is reasonable. It will take longer is all.
At face value, he is working toward a long term goal to better communicate with your community.
From someone who speaks few languages, I could never grasp German and I studied it for 5 years, then switched to English and was top student, could it be something similar?