My boyfriend (21) broke up with me (23) after a year because he’s been getting frustrated I don’t like having sex a lot. (It was like a week and a half since the last time when he brought it up.) we had a conversation multiple times about it and he said I should try to be in the mood for it, and I said I don’t like how he keeps asking after I say no. He said he will work on that.
Just for some background, I was SA’d multiple times so maybe that’s the reason for my low sex drive? Idk but he does not like it. I also have a very exhausting job so I come home and I’m drained and I don’t want to do anything.
We went out to dinner, and before dinner I had just done my hair makeup and got dressed. He kept asking to have sex after I said no and that I just got ready blah blah, I kept saying no until I gave in (yes I know how bad this is) it did bug me knowing my history, and knowing he knows it too. That could have also been a reason I didn’t want to have sex.
Well, last time I went over to his house he kept trying, right when I got there, after work, I said no. Then right after I showered, I said no. Then after we got food, I said no and this is when he brought it up. (This is our 3rd convo ab this atp)
He said he can’t live his life like this (keep in mind it was a week and a half without it) and I said just how exhausted I am with a new very stressful job. He said I feel like a roomate blah blah blah. Then he said he wanted me to leave for time to think about it.
I left, the next day he messaged me and we texted about it. I brought up the night where I kept saying no and eventually gave in. All he said to that was “did you regret it?” I told him no I don’t regret having sex with you but it makes me uncomfortable that you did that.” He said he doesn’t want to be in a sexless marriage when he’s older (it has been a week and a half.) I told him he’s lacking in actual romance. And maybe if he was more romantic than just sitting around all day everyday I would be happier. He doesn’t do anything special for me, ever. He thinks intimacy is only about sex. The only time he would kiss me is if he wanted sex, or the only time he wanted me to cuddle with him was when he wanted sex.
So, he basically said it wasn’t going to work.
Because of sex. Because I don’t want to have sex whenever he wants.
Not even 24 hours later he follows 50 girls on Instagram so I know exactly where his head was at the entire relationship.
I just really can’t believe he threw away a relationship because he can’t understand I don’t have a high sex drive, and I’m not going to force myself to do things I don’t want to do.
Edit: I want to add, we have talked about this so much before and I told him I just had a low sex drive and I wish he just ended it sooner rather than dragging it on making me feel like an object.
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I’m sorry that must be difficult. Break ups are almost always hard. I’m impressed he was honest at least about the reason though.
Mismatch in drive is one of the top reasons for breakups and many people don’t discuss it early on
Okay so what I’m going to say can easily come across as blaming you. I wanna preface by saying that is not my intention or meaning with this at all!!
I (26f) totally understand what you mean by thinking all guys are like this. I dated a lot of guys who were really pushy when it came to sex and saw consent as more of a negotiation than anything else. There’s a lot of guys out there like that but there’s also a lot that aren’t like that. It’s just like any other personality trait, you can find people with it and you can find people without it. There’s not much you can do to avoid meeting men that will push for sex. Sometimes, there’s not much you can do to avoid dating them. Like with anything else, people can hide their true intentions and you can think you’re all good until you’re not. But what you can do is leave once you know the guy you’re dating is like this. I know it’s hard and your heart wants to stick around and hope it’ll improve. Don’t. Make it one of your deal breakers. You are worth so much more than that and a guy who doesn’t understand that sex is a team sport does not deserve you.
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Sexual compatibility is incredibly important. He was not the right partner for you, and you were not the right partner for him. I know it’s hard right now, but this is ultimately for the best.
I promise many men arent like this
A week and a half sounds like an eternity to me. But that’s just me.
I’m not sure about the title. Did he want it WHENEVER he wanted it or just not too infrequently?
Perhaps you two were not compatible.
Have to say it’s just an incompatibility thing, most guys in their 20’s like to have sex a lot – constantly getting turned down was probably a frustration for sure. I’m afraid he’s felt he isn’t getting what he wants from the relationship and taken his option to end it. What he chooses to do after that is up to him. Not blaming you at all, but that’s the way it is.
Sorry about this but can’t help but think he did you a favor. We are not all like that.
He really didn’t do anything wrong you guys were incompatible . I don’t know why you feel it’s wrong for a man to want to have sex with their girlfriend. You shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do, but most men are not going to be okay with a girlfriend who barely wants to sleep with them.
This is something you should discuss with your future boyfriends early in the relationship.
I understand your frustration. Negotiating consent is not a good thing.
However,I see that you are sexually incompatible. It’s also a good enough reason to break up.
My boyfriend used to push for sex even when I said not now/not in the mood/feeling unwell. It almost always used to end in sex. However, I let him understand that I can do it without pleasure or having a good time, and that really made a difference (I’m ok to have sex even if I’m not into it). I guess previously he thought that once we are in the action, I’m bound to enjoy!
He has a porn addiction.
Is it really a low sex drive if it’s 1.5 weeks? And he does absolutely nothing sexy but hound, beg, and coerce you for sex?
Instead of framing this as your “drive” I’d frame it as his shit sexual skills.
Let him find those instagram women and move on.
And to answer your question, no, not all men are like that. Not at all.
All guys aren’t like this. Try men not boys
Sweetheart, the reason why you might’ve had a low sex drive with this guy is because he treated you like a sex toy whose feelings didn’t matter and pressured you to be intimate after you had already said no. You are better off without this guy. You are very young and you WILL find a partner who wants sex to be mutual and will take your feelings into consideration. Not all men are like this and if you find one that is, you can do much better.
There are many men out there who would accept you saying no the first time. This is not on you or even your supposed low sex drive.