My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 11 years now we’re highschool sweet hearts. A few years ago I ended up having a miscarriage which I’m not trying to use as an excuse, I completely didn’t manage my own emotions well I’ll take full accountability for that but because of it I got extremely depressed and fell into a drinking problem. Not hard liquor but at least 6-10 white claws a night. A drinking problem is a drinking problem. This went on for a little over a year. I finally now had our baby which I completly love to peices. I haven’t had a drink in well over a year and a half now. With no intentions on drinking I look back and I can’t believe I use to think it was so fun.
Anyways, being married is something I’ve always wanted and have always expressed. when I was 9 months pregnant my boyfriend had explained to me that at one point he was ready to get married and was thinking about asking me, that’s when I fell into my drinking problem which he said completely took away any urge he had. That He was actually on the verge of breaking up with me until we found out I was pregnant. Which hurts considering we were both trying for the baby.
Now after not drinking for a while and with a clear headspace I re brought up the topic of marriage. He now states that he’s never seen any marriage last and he has no intentions on getting married, it hurts so much cause it just makes me feel as though I’m just not good enough.
I understand marriage is just a peice of paper but to me it’s so much more. I never planned on being an 80 year old lady referring to “my boyfriend”. Even now with the baby it feels so weird for me to say oh “yeah she has my boyfriends ears.” I’m not sure what to do because I love him so deeply and I really don’t wanna break up over this but it’s a burden that’s been in my mind since he’s told me.
I feel like I’m settling for less just to hold onto us but it truly hurts my feelings to know I’m the one that changed his mind because of the drinking problem I was going through. I feel like I let us both down and I just don’t know how to feel better about this situation. Has anyone else gone through anything similar?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
This man does not deserve you.
Maybe you could refer to him as your partner. Both married and unmarried couples say this.
Even people with kids get divorced so he’s not wrong. You can call him your boyfriend now or ex-husband later.
Time to go and find someone else who will REALLY want you.
I’m sorry, he waited until you’re locked in with a baby and now he knows he doesn’t have to pull the trigger on the marriage anymore. I don’t wanna pass blame but I wish you’d waited until you’re married before having children. You’re only 27 but I don’t think anyone needs to date for 11 years before getting married.
There’s a lot to unpack here. You are still pretty young, had a drinking problem and then had a kid.
What would marriage change about your life?
Drinking habits aside. A dark place in your life that you pulled yourself out of. Better now. You won that battle. Something to be proud of. Good for you. Shit happens and you came out on top.
I don’t understand people like your BF… Having a child together. Probably going to buy a house together (if not already happened)… Yet refuses to marry.
Doesn’t make sense to me. Capable of making all the other severe life commitments, but unable to polish it off with a pretty little bow calling each-other husband and wife.
I wouldn’t drop this conversation until you two can come to a mutual place where you’re both happy with whatever status is the result.
Either he understands it about you, realizing the importance of this and willing to give it to you. Or you understand it about him, where it doesn’t matter as much.
But this confusion, disappointment, leaving it up in the air energy needs to be settled, whichever direction that turns out to be, it needs settling.
Important topic to put to rest either direction. It needs mutual understanding.
I don’t think you can put the totality of his choice not to pursue marriage on yourself. You went through something hard, but then did something harder and put yourself back together.
What about marriage is important to you other than just “boyfriend” sounds juvenile? Can you explain why you want that to him? And if he doesn’t want marriage, maybe he can find a way to reassure you that you ARE enough/he wants a lifetime with you – and find a way to demonstrate that to you that doesn’t’t involve the government contract.
From how you described his issue with marriage, it that it seems he isn’t confident in your partnership and he’s kinda scapegoating a previous bad behavior instead of addressing what’s making him change his mind about marriage both with you and/or on a whole – and I’m willing to bet that’a kinda fueling your own insecurity.
Well. You can’t go into a relationship expecting people to change just as much as you can’t go into a relationship expecting people not to change.
To be fair this is probably one of the most valid reasons I’ve seen in this sub as to why someone doesn’t want to marry. I’d try having a heart to heart with my partner to figure out how to make them feel safe marrying me again, but it’s most likely pointless.
If marriage is important to you, you might have to consider someone else.
I’m so sorry. He is not a suitable partner. I don’t know why you had a baby with someone who wouldn’t marry you but what is done is done.
Establish a co-parenting plan and go out into the world and find your husband.
If something traumatic happens to you, you don’t have to ‘manage’ your emotions. You’re allowed to feel emotions. Especially in trauma.
Well you want to get married and he doesn’t, so you are settling because you can’t force him to get married. You can stay with him and settle or separate from him and try to find someone that will marry you and be okay raising someone else’s kid. Which limits your dating pool but it is possible. Realistically though, raising a kid as a single parent is very hard. Does he support you and the baby? Would you really want to be a single mother with a young kid? When you decided to have a baby now that baby’s need should come before your own to some extent too so I’d really give this a lot of thought.
Call me old fashioned, but I think now that you had the baby, and if you both love each other and are committed, you should be married. Does he plan on staying in this relationship? Not all marriages fail, I’ve been happily married for 34 years. I also think it will matter to your child.
He doesn’t need to marry you now you’ve had a baby – that was a carrot he was dangling to convince you that you had a good life together and were on the right trajectory. Now he’s chucked a grenade into that saying he was going to break up with you – you’ll be on your best behaviour now to make him stay.
Marriage would have given you a lot of security and legal protection – I do hope you haven’t given up your career to become a SAHM because if you have you’re now in a very vulnerable position.
Trying for a baby with no intention to marry is actually insane. If marriage is genuinely important to you then you clearly need to break up regardless if there’s a baby in the picture or not. Co parent and go find your husband
Marriage is overrated. Just go to the court house or whatever.
I suggest posting this to r/Waiting_To_Wed they might be able to give better advice
He always knew he didn’t want marriage. He waited until the baby to bring it up because you’re kinda locked in. He is using your mental health crisis and subsequent coping strategies (after a devastating experience) to justify not giving you what he knows you want in life.
I would leave immediately. I am positive that there are many people who would be overjoyed to marry you.