I (35F) have been in a great relationship with my boyfriend (33M) for over 5 years. We are in an interreligious relationship for which we were scared from the beginning to announce it to our families, and since we come from traditional backgrounds, we don’t live together yet, since we are not married. Fast forward 5 years, both our families now know about our relationship and have accepted us, I travelled to his home country, he travelled to mine (important note that most of these bigger achievements happened this year) and it has really been a dream to see everything turn out positively despite all our fears. Now, I really want to take our relationship to the next stage, I really love him and see my future with him, and I want to live together. He says he does too but that we would need to get married for that. The issue is: it appears that he is really scared of marriage. I have a hard time understanding what scares him exactly but it might come from the fact that he is scared of losing his personal space (he has been living alone for all his adult life). I have tried to reassure him that we will make sure he has his space and that it’s going to be great to have this opportunity to continue growing together. But it doesn’t really work. He is acting distant and is telling me that he still loves me and really want to be together but his fears are strong and irrational. I’m trying to be empathetic and give him his time and space but the situation is so hard for me. I feel like I am losing my best friend, I feel powerless and extremely anxious (i have a history of anxiety and depression). Lost a lot of weight and have a hard time being apart (which I think further heightens his fears of « losing space »). I feel like we are in a vicious circle and feels quite nightmarish after so many years being so happy and I really don’t know what to do for things to get better. I know I should just wait, but how to do it without losing myself? I am hurting really bad. I would welcome empathetic advice on how to deal with this situation, help him overcome his fears while setting boundaries for my own health.
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He’s scared because he doesn’t want to marry you
If you can’t live together before marriage, that means you won’t have children either. Are you OK with that? I would cut my losses.
Your boyfriend doesn’t like you, that’s why
He wants to live together but doesn’t want to get married because then he’d lose his space? Makes no sense, sounds like he just doesn’t want to live together or get married.
If he wanted to, he would.
He doesn’t want this.
Friend, I say this kindly- he doesn’t want to. If he can’t come at it after 5 years, he won’t at all.
I always thought with avoidant men that if I could just wait and be patient, they would feel safe to come around. Instead, I should have had higher standards for myself. There is really nothing you can do in the face of “irrational and strong” fears. I know it is hard when you are triggered, butI think you should do something on what could feel ok or not ok to you. Like what kind of communication/action do you need from him and when are you prepared to walk if he is not able to do that.
I’m sorry that you are going through this. And ignore the shitty comments—I don’t know what is wrong with people
On rare occasions, people get married, still hold both their places and it works.
It’s clearly not working for you now, it will be hard-breaking in 10 years. He doesn’t want to get married, he doesn’t want to move on: he is exactly where he wants to be and has no intent to change.
I’m really sorry, but he had 5 years to grow, he likes where he is.
I’ve learned this, when a man doesn’t want to do something, he isn’t bullshitting you, or needs time to think. That’s his real feeling. He doesn’t want to do it.
The YOU is silent
As someone who’s been in that situation before, he sounds avoidant and so the current situation (long-distance relationship) suits him perfectly and he doesn’t want or need to change it, he’s being really self-absorbed though because he doesn’t even consider your needs in this situation..
There’s nothing you can do here except put your foot down and express your needs clearly, and make it very clear to him that if your needs aren’t met you’d be happy to leave the relationship..
You deserve someone who chooses you without hesitation. You also deserve a man who has the integrity to be honest with you and not dink you around like this. You’re revolving your life around what he wants and he feels, but you need to think about what you want and feel and not accept how he’s treating you. Granted, I live in the US and I’m sure the pressures are different wherever you are. But it doesn’t change the fact that you deserve better treatment and it’s on you to not accept less than you deserve.
Obvy we only have what you’re saying here to go off of.. but I’ll be honest, it doesn’t sound like he’s scared of marriage. It sounds like he doesn’t want to get married. When he talks about his concerns, is there any sense that he wants to work through them? Or just.. excuses?
I hate hearing this stuff, too often the couple ends up separating and the ‘anxious guy’ is married to someone else within a year. If you want to be married that is reasonable, you don’t need to ‘support him’ through the process like it’s some kind of illness.
If he is scared of losing his personal space more than he is scared of losing you, then he doesn’t love you all that much
No I do not think that you should just wait. You shouldn’t be a passenger in your own life, especially when it comes to major things and given that you are 35yo. I would be more understanding if he was 25.
You have to take what he is saying at a face value. He’s been with you for 5 years, yet he straight up avoids the topic of marriage. It sounds like he didn’t even say that he’s scared, but you draw that conclusion and wonder if it’s about him cherishing his own space. He’s a coward. He isn’t afraid, he just doesn’t want to marry you. He wants you to shut it because he’s glad to still enjoy the benefits you bring to the table. Maybe he never wants to get married in the frist place, maybe he really loves his own space above everything else or maybe he knows that he wants to marry someone with the same religion one day.
It’s really unfair and emotionally unintelligent to not even discuss the topic with you. There’s a huge chance that he’s actually happy wasting your time and for selfish reasons, he doesn’t even care. Is this a man you want to marry? I’m sorry to break this with you but these men aren’t going to wake up one day and be genuinely excited to marry you. They might marry you, but it’s either a shut up ring, she came into money or he’s sick and needs to secure a caregiver. All selfish reasons, again.
There is a sub full of similar stories. And it’s always the woman who wants to get married while the guy avoids the topic and comes up with excuses like their life depended on it. And these women (mind you, I’ve been one too for close to a decade) all say how he’s a great guy, the relationship is good, this and that, and it’s painfully obvious that they are so confused as of why would someone share a full life with them, live with them, buy property and even have kids yet still have no desire to get married.
He’s gate keeping you from your future husband.
Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt for a minute and assume his “fear” is real. If I were in this situation, I would suggest couples therapy to help him work through his “fear.” If he refuses, then you really need to rethink this relationship. Because if he’s not willing to work on the “fear,” then he doesn’t want to marry you. I’d be moving on. If you need further support on this, check out r/waitingtowed.
Is he middle eastern? My friend was in a relationship like this with one while they were both students. He even took her back to his home country to meet the family, but wouldn’t marry her.
One day he said he is moving back to his country to work for his dad’s business.
The next year he was married.
He never intended to marry her and was just having fun while he was studying overseas. He always intended to go back home to an arranged marriage with someone his own culture and religion.
This is why I never date students or people who strongly associated with a foreign country rather than the one they currently live in (and I do too).
Why do women so often work so damn hard to do the work for the men in their lives? “How do I help my husband overcome his midlife crisis and get him to stop cheating on me with 20yo women?” or this post.
OP, I’ve been there with an avoidant ex so I get it, I let myself be strung along with “yeah we’ll revisit it 2 years in” and “not now it’s bad time to discuss because covid” which year 5 turned into flat out “no, I don’t want to marry ever” (the “you” being silent but also very clear). With these men, you can’t make them want to marry you. They don’t. Some of them will excuse it as trauma (“my parents divorced, I’m afraid of going thrugh the same thing” etc), but that’s just bait to keep you hooked because you hope maybe one day they’ll “get over it” when they have no intention of getting over it, because the excuse is not the reason not to marry you. Them simply not wanting you is the reason.
My advice, cut your losses and with the next boyfriend, discuss timeline for moving in, engagement and marriage early – I did it after 1 month of dating. Set boundaries for YOURSELF and if the guy fails to deliver on that agreed upon timeline, you WALK. Date with intention, date people who are available and excited to move in and marry. Those wafflers, they ain’t it.
He has clearly expressed that he doesn’t want to marry you… if you aren’t on the same page about this then that’s relationship over at this point.
You don’t.
I don’t understand why anyone is afraid of marriage. If you’ve been together for 5 years overall it won’t change much. If he loved you he wouldn’t have an irrational fear of marriage. Has he ever told you why?
If he wanted to, he would.
Any attempt to “help” him will be interpreted as pushing him into it. It being something he doesn’t actually want for himself. One of you will have to compromise, either he relents to what you want and is unhappy with that scary decision, or you learn to accept the relationship without the guarantee of a marriage.
Before I chime in, why were you two afraid to be connected/announce your relationship?
If he has a real issue he needs to work through then can do so with a therapist. It’s not your job to facilitate that. If he doesn’t want to do that then, unfortunately, he’s not willing to commit to you in a way that you want and deserve.
The 5 years in addition to the religious angle makes me think he’s not interested in marriage.
> I know I should just wait
Nope!
You cannot force this man to love you the way you want/need/deserve to be loved. You cannot force him to want to marry you.
Either accept he doesn’t want marriage or move on.