I’( F 28), and I’ve been with my partner (31M) for 8 years. In the early years of our relationship, he frequently asked me if I would marry him—sometimes even crying with joy when I said yes. But we both agreed to wait because we were in medical training, and settling down financially and professionally was our priority.
We also come from different religions, and in our conservative society that makes things complicated. We didn’t involve our parents until last year, when his brother told them about our living together. His mother shamed me harshly for premarital sex, and ever since, I’ve struggled to enjoy intimacy—it just feels tainted by guilt now.
Since that point, I’ve been the one asking him to move forward with marriage. But whenever I bring up signing the papers, he delays it. His reasons have ranged from being too busy with residency to wanting me to move to his country first.
Recently, I joined the same institution as him, so now we have the same schedule and live in the same city again. I’ve asked him repeatedly to go with me and register our marriage, but he insists he wants to “propose properly” before we do that. The issue is, he has no real plan to propose.
I’m starting to wonder if he actually intends to marry me. On one hand, he’s a genuinely kind and affectionate partner: very loving, attentive, supportive, and (as far as I know) faithful. On the other hand, I don’t want to waste years of my life waiting for a commitment that may never come.
TLDR: boyfriend of 8 years postponing getting married. Should I wait?
Comments
the longer you wait for him, the longer it will be before you meet the man you were meant to marry. this guy isn’t it.
if you want to get married, you can propose to him, you know. like, he sounds like he’s pretty great, so why don’t you just propose to him? it’s a thing you want, so go for it.
if you won’t, and him not doing it yet is a dealbreaker, if that’s more important than everything else in the past 8 years, then be done. break up and find someone who will propose on your schedule. just make sure you let them know your schedule, right.
A genuinely kind man wouldn’t walk around perfectly comfortable with HIS family members revealing HIS premarital sex with you and once HIS mother treated YOU like the sole sinner (or harami, or whatever), avoiding doing the right thing and marrying you.
You shouldn’t feel guilty having sex with him, you should feel angry that he’s having his milk without buying the cow.
I can empathize with the “feeling guilty” about premarital sex, but no one should have a say in what you do with your body and when.
But to the main issue, while you have been with him since you were 20, you have gone through many life stages already. If you feel like this man isn’t elevating you in every sense of the word, I think you need to reevaluate what you are looking for in this relationship. I would try to ask him what he sees as a “real proposal” because it seems like it has already happened.
The other thing that is really more jarring is he wants you to move to HIS country first. No one should be putting stipulations on marriage like that.
Best of luck OP, you have a lot to think about.
Stop dating Muslim men lol
He’s not going to marry you honey! Continuing the relationship is like reading a book you’ve already read. You know the ending.
Move forward with your life and the opportunities that come your way!
I think this a real tough question. Can you live with never getting married or is this something that will taint your future? Do you love this man and see a future with him regardless of marriage? He doesn’t seem to be concerned about the stigma of premarital sex, which his mother probably knew. Which is why she guilted you. Are you planning on having children? That may be the deciding factor.
Wait for what exactly? For another 8 years? For a mamas boy? Cos that is what he is, look: „His mother shamed me harshly for premarital sex, and ever since, I’ve struggled to enjoy intimacy—it just feels tainted by guilt now.“ Now she is all in his ears, making him question all and postpone. He sits inbetween the chairs. Do NOT move to his country too, you‘ll regret this big time. You are incompatible, accept and move on please.
Grandmamma advice here. You have already waited.
You should plan your life according to what you would want if he did not exist. I suspect he is having second thoughts about wanting to marry you. You are probably lovely. pleasant, and comfortable to have around, but he is not worrying about losing you. You have already uprooted yourself to be with him, and he has already allowed his mother to insult you.
In a university setting, he felt brave and modern and ready to choose his own partner. Now, back in his boyhood city, he may be listening to his mother’s opinions.
I think there is a good chance you will regret spending one more year waiting. Tell him how you feel and that you are moving on formally to the next phase of your life with him or without him.
Let me give you another perspective. The dating market is aweful and people suck. If you’re happy with everything else other than this, I’d communicate with him and tell him you want a fair plan for the next “whenever” or you’re considering moving on. Tell him your thoughts.
I think we all think it’s really easy to find someone who checks so many boxes, however it’s really not.
Ask yourself— must you be married NOW? I’m all for marriage, but maybe he’s truly waiting. Who knows. Is it that important at this juncture?
There are so many things I’ve gone over and changed my mind on as I get older. It’s not so cut and dry. Good people are hard to find, let alone someone who treats you very well. No problems, no abuse, no crazy behavior? Sounds like all good things.
Why would you marry someone you apparently can’t discuss important life choices with?
He should respect you enough to give you an honest answer even if it isn’t the answer you’re hoping for.
It takes two to tango and he doesn’t want to dance. Sadly, he isn’t mature enough and most importantly doesn’t respect you enough to tell you that outright. Instead he strings you along for 8 years with nonsense like he wants to “propose properly”. Options: (1) Insist on couples counseling to find out what is the REAL reason that he won’t commit. (2) Walk out of his life. Think about which option is best for YOU long term. Don’t worry about him. He’s frankly not worrying that much about you.
I think you’ve waited long enough. How much longer are you prepared to wait?
Have you asked him what he needs to happen before he is ready to become a husband? Are you safe and open to tell the answer to?
I would do that before ending it
This is genuinely a tough situation.
On one hand, I want to say why wait any longer, as it does not seem like there’s a plan. I also seem to think that he just doesn’t know how to manage his time well.
It definitely is concerning that you’ve been with them 8 years, have talked about this previously and he somehow cannot find the time now to do a proper proposal.
I think my only recommendation if you are still considering staying with him is telling him to get a simple ring, nothing special. Wedding bands (if he wants to do that) can come later.