i (26F) and my boyfriend (28M) have been together for 2 years. we have lived together for 1 year. at the beginning of our relationship, we had so much fun together and he was so sweet and would move mountains for me. he would always tell me he couldn’t wait to marry me one day. but, in the past couple months, things have been off. he’s not lovey dovey anymore and we would have petty disagreements (not so much arguments). anyway fast forward to now – we went to a wedding together and he wouldn’t dance with me and at one point he went and sat in his car, leaving me alone at the wedding. this was my breaking point and after the wedding i told him how i was feeling. i told him that i don’t think he wants to marry me (because he never says it anymore and avoids the conversation when i bring it up), and i told him i needed space. i wrote out a list of goals i want in the next couple years and asked him to do the same, he didn’t. my goals for the next couple years are to get married, start a family, buy a house etc. i’m not expecting a ring tomorrow by any means, however, we both are almost 30 years old and i think that having these conversations about the future is necessary because i don’t want to waste my time. it’s been a very emotional past couple days and pretty much he told me that he cannot fulfill my goals that i have for the next couple years. we both don’t want to break up but i told him that we can’t be together if he can’t commit to marrying me. he says he can’t picture being married in the “near future” and that he doesn’t want to hurt me. he says he only would ever want to marry me but said he can’t promise me that he will want to in the next couple years. he’s been very sweet to me the past couple days, like buying me flowers and rubbing my back, but where was this a couple months ago? i feel like i already know the answer, which is if he isn’t 100% on board with marrying me now, then he will never want to. i want to stay together but i feel like i’d be doing it based on potential and the possibility that he’ll change for me. i do have an overwhelming feeling that he won’t change but im just so confused. he says his reasoning for not getting married is because of childhood trauma and his parents not having a good relationship growing up and due to mental health reasons. i keep thinking maybe this isn’t so bad to wait but on the other hand i keep thinking that i deserve better and that there’s someone else out there who can’t wait to marry me this second. i love him so much but i just don’t know what to do. any advice is appreciated and thank you.
TLDR: boyfriend says he can’t see himself marrying me in the near future
Comments
girl, if you feel like you deserve better already, why do you want to marry this dummy? don’t wait around for someone who won’t dance with you at the parties and weddings, who only started treating you nicely when he felt like you might leave him, who isn’t interested in meeting you in your goals.
What are the petty arguments about and who “starts” them? He might not be being honest about his unhappiness in the current relationship, and has arrived at a crossroads about whether he wants to continue or not, especially at this age.
When I was dating my previous partner, we went through similar things, but I was acting just like your bf. At first I felt that I would do anything for her, and planned our future with marriage to her in mind. But our relationship started slowly deteriorating, or just not being the type of relationship I felt happy in. Once I could see that, I asked myself if this was the type of person I could really be with for the rest of my life, and once I realized my answer was no, I started acting cold and aloof, but couldn’t obviously break up immediately. We went to a wedding together too, and I absolutely did not want to be there as it felt like I was lying to myself and to her in some way.
Anyway, what is his real reason for not wanting to marry in the near future though? It doesn’t seem like he has given you a reason.
Did he say why he was different the past couple months? Did he specify why he can’t see marriage in the next couple years?
Don’t wait for what isn’t going to happen. He’s just doing the bare minimum to keep you from leaving. Leave anyway.
There are two different things you are describing here:
Him not dancing with you at a wedding
Him saying he cannot see marrying you yet in the next few years.
seems to indicate he is overall unhappy with the relationship, but it seems like he cannot express what makes him unhappy. 2. might be due to one but also might be due to something else (maybe he never pictured being married at this stage)
Disregarding any causality these two things have, what is true is the communication between you two is not there yet. He is holding back maybe because he does not want to hurt your feelings. But if you want to marry someone you should have full transparency on these things.
If I were you I would take some time apart from being a couple and try to get him to talk about his feelings about his feelings while giving him time to reflect. And if he still doesn’t open up then this is just not meant to be. This should be a wakeup call for him, otherwise he really does not want to marry you.