my boyfriend (22M) and i (21F) have been dating for 3 years. i never had a boyfriend before, while he had a few. in the beginning of our relationship, he suggested to establish a boundary of avoiding being friends with the opposite gender. i didn’t have any guy friends anyway so i didn’t mind, while he had female friends whom he met before me and stopped being in touch with them. he was very serious about this boundary because his ex had a guy best friend and the lack of boundaries with the opposite gender was the reason they broke up.
two years later, he decided to go on an exchange semester abroad. since the environment there is a lot more mixed than it is in our home country, he started making new female friends and hanging out in mixed groups. i was anxious because it came off as boundary-crossing, but he kept telling me that it’s impossible to avoid female friends there because of the nature of the environment/culture, and reassured me that he’s super casual with them. i was still anxious not because i didn’t trust him but because he kept making more and more female friends and following them on instagram. we were fighting a lot (which i realize was mostly because of the distance) and ended up taking a break (which turned into a breakup).
about 4 months later, we started hanging out and being romantically close again after he came back from abroad. we didn’t know what we were but it felt like a situationship. we both acknowledged that we still love each other but he doesn’t seem ready to be in a committed relationship just yet. there were many issues in our previous relationship but my gut tells me the biggest thing that’s holding him back from being in a relationship again is the whole boundary thing. i have a feeling he doesn’t want to lose his new social circle (which includes many girls) and is afraid of losing me if he expresses that to me, so maybe he’s testing the waters and easing me into it by introducing me to some of his female friends. i want to be okay with it because i trust him but i’m just bitter that he was the one who set this standard in the first place. am i being reasonable? what do i do in this situation? i really love him and don’t want to lose him either.
TL;DR: in the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend set a boundary to avoid having friends of the opposite gender, which i accepted. however, while studying abroad, he began making close female friends, which made me anxious. after a breakup, we’re now casually reconnecting, but i feel like he doesn’t want to lose his new social circle of female friends. i love him and i trust him but i’m bitter because he was the one who set the standard. i’m unsure how to approach this.
Comments
Boundaries do not work like that, he is trying to get away with shady shit
That’s not a boundary. It’s control. Do not date him. He wants to impose rules on you but not follow them himself. He’s toxic, and it won’t work long-term with someone that insecure and controlling.