my boyfriend (22) and i (f22) have been together almost a year. the relationship is great and we are very committed. but i worry because i can’t reciprocate the way he treats me financially. i am a college student who only works 2 days a week, and he is a hard worker in a trade who makes great money. he spoils me to no end, i am so grateful for what he does for me but i feel bad knowing i dont have the funds to treat him the way he treats me. he has expressed that he enjoys being the provider and taking care of me, but i cant kick that thought from my head.
TL:DR- boyfriend works hard and spoils me, i cant afford to do the same for him and i feel guilty.
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As long as he understands the financial discrepancy and isn’t an ass about it, I would try and push the thought out of your head.
It’s clear if you could, you would match his generosity. I think he understands that and really doesn’t mind. So it’s not a problem.
If his generosity is making you uncomfortable, hey that’s a fair reaction! I would talk to him, ask him to scale it back a bit.
This would only be a problem if he was using his generosity against you, as in anytime you set any kind of boundary, he reminds you of all the things he’s done so your guilt prevents you from saying no to things you’re not comfortable with. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here.
So try and appreciate it, maybe ask him to scale back a bit, or try and do something nice for him. It could be simple things, cook him a nice meal, help him clean his apartment, things like that. Not all generosity needs to cost money.
It’s good and healthy to have boundaries to anything and everything and a balance should be achieved in all situations.
So you need to take a pen and paper and write down all the instances when you felt uncomfortable with the levels of one sided spending.
Define your dos and don’t, what levels of spending, for what categories and with what frequency you’re comfortable with and deliver him the news. Tell him that anything besides that makes you supremely uncomfortable and may he stop it already. If he’s smart, he invests his cash when he’s young, as he might need it when he’s older and his body says no to trades work.
That being said, one sided overspending isn’t smart, isn’t conductive of equality in a relationship and might even feel that it has strings attached or might lead to resentments down the line.
Money can buy services, so providing services like cooking, cleaning, keeping track of household inventory (e.g. is he running low on paper towels?), running errands, bringing him lunch, etc. are all ways to spoil him back.
As an aside, I would encourage you to familiarize yourself with financial abuse, sometimes people just like being useful in spending money on others and there are no strings attached, but financial abuse, especially in situations where the man is the one with money and the woman isn’t, is a serious problem that isn’t as talked about as overt abuse like physical or verbal is. Just, better safe than sorry. (Super sorry about the run-on sentence in the beginning of this paragraph but I’m too sleepy to fix it)
First off, good. You thinking about this means you have a sense off fiscal responsibility.
Second, this is quite minor. It’s not like you lived in his apartment/home for 10 years without contributing. Just buying things in dates etc is… quite minor.
Third, you can give him time and appreciation. You can make the plans and go on picnics in parks with low budget. It’s not about balancing the books.
Fourth, appreciate what you have since it might change at any time. He might get injured and unable to work, you might end up earning more and then it’s he who should be the stay at home dad. Life is long. Time and time for everything.
In any case, it’s good that you are seeing this, because many people wouldn’t. Appreciate what you have and reciprocate as you can and don’t worry about it overmuch because you have no idea what happens in 5 or 10 years.
Good luck. You can do this. I believe in you.
Well, you’re not gonna work 2 days a week forever right. You’ll find a way later. I don’t think you should feel bad about it right now.
But you can also always suggest a way of spending money that involves him more or just straight up ask him to spend less, saving money for dark hour is good excuse and never a bad idea really.
Guy who has dated women who make less money here. I usually enjoy it and have no negative feelings about it at all. I completely reject any weird gender role trad type stuff, but if I’m paying for dinner more often because I make substantially more money I don’t care at all. It is nice to have at least the effort made to pay for things sometimes though!
There are so many ways you can reciprocate, you can cook for him, leave him special notes and photos or memories that show that you care for him and are thinking of him. You can offer to do things for him. Gifts are not about spending a lot of money but going out of your way to make him feel special, it could be finding a special keyring or cap that he likes.
If he had a nice photo from a trip, get it made into a print for his wall? Things that mean something will always be more valued than something that cost a lot of money. That’s not to disrespect what he’s spending on you by the way, he obviously cares for you very much.