My bf (37m) and I (41f) have been dating for almost four years, and about 1 year into the relationship, I asked him about his thoughts on getting married. He said although he had bought a ring and proposed to a woman before, he had a change of heart and no longer desired to marry ever again because he didn’t want other people involved in his finances. This absolutely broke my heart. I was shattered, but eventually saw it his way, and decided it might be better that he have no say in what happens to my house and property that we live in should we ever break up.
Fast forward to 2025 and we are thinking of moving to a foreign country. As far as I know, he has not done much research into moving to our location of choice – I’ve done all the research.
So the other day, he floats this proposal “You know, it might help us to cross the border if we get married.” And I don’t remember the exact phrase, but he basically said that marrying each other would be a great way to save money.
I really don’t know what to think besides the fact that he sees me as a Fetch app or a discount game that he’s scoring points on instead of a living, breathing human who has feeling that he has smashed to bits in a bid to save money.
I’m definitely going to tell him that moving doesn’t require marriage, just a common law partnership which we already have. Also maybe I’m not a coupon? Should I even entertain this?
TL;DR BF broke my heart not wanting to get married because he didn’t trust another person enough to mix financials, and now he wants to marry out of convenience. Should I even entertain this? I feel insulted.
Edit: don’t ask “why are you….” to shame me. Fuck off with that.
Comments
>> Should I even entertain this?
Absolutely not and quite frankly, he would have broken my trust with this 180. I suspect he’s thought of a good reason to get married that benefits him.
I would tell him that he decided years ago that combining finances was a mistake and your relationship only continued then because you realized you agreed, and that you do not want to get married any longer.
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He needs and or wants your money and he knew you would have to be married to get it, RUN!!¡
He wants a bang-maid. The only thing that’s changed is that being married will now favor *him* if something goes wrong. Have some self-respect and don’t stay with him. DEFINITELY don’t move to another country with him.
I wouldn’t use the line about being a coupon, but I would start speaking to how his words and actions make you feel. Why be in a relationship with someone if you can’t tell them how you feel? My best guess is you already sense that your feelings are not usually validated, but now is the time to find out, before moving together to a foreign country where things will really get stressful.
Did you voice that you wanted to get married and he clearly communicated that was off limits for him ? What was the original conversation like?
I can definitely see how that feels disrespectful and selfish because it seems he only wants to commit when it is advantageous for HIM.
I personally have gone back and forth between knowing if I wanted to get married/have kids and I initially didn’t but I have come to adore my gf so much that I DEFINITELY want to get married, although I have to admit, there are some benefits to us getting married for me that I’d like to get even though that is NOT the reason I changed my mind.
I’d have a discussion about what changed his mind? If he doesn’t communicate that the primary reason is his love for you, I’d be resistant to getting married to him in the future… but also people change and don’t right him off for being a scumbag when it could just be a coincidence that he’s already been changing his stance on marriage and this is just another reason why he is now leaning towards getting married
He sounds really selfish. Selfish men are terrible log term partners. If you get sick or have to get through some other rough period he will be mad he’s got to deal with that burden and will dip.
I think marriage just doesn’t have any real meaning to him. Just some piece of paper you sign. It has a much bigger meaning to you so of course it sounds cheap when he brings it up like this.
Tell him how you feel imo, good idea to work on communication and speaking up before you move to another country together.
Naw. Do NOT entertain this. He didn’t want to combine finances when you might hurt his finances. Now you could help his finances. HELL NO.
This isn’t about wanting to marry you even remotely. It’s about money. Ew.
Leave him.
It won’t stop there either. His mentality will be consistent with other things in the relationship as well. I wouldn’t move anywhere with him , get married or dare have a child with him.
He is selfish and that won’t change
Three years ago he told you he doesn’t value you the way you want to be valued. Now he sees marrying you merely as a step to easier emigration.
Let go of the sunk cost fallacy. What do YOU want? Then you need to be real about whether he’ll ever happily give you what you want.
Please don’t side-step your intuition. Do not marry him.
Marry for love or not at all.
Your bf looks at marriage similarly to me. It’s not important to me, but there are good tax benefits and other privileges that come with being married. HOWEVER, marriage is important to my husband, so I got married for him. Your bf is selfish; he was only thinking of himself when he heard your thoughts on marriage and said no.
Now, he’s looking at it from a practical standpoint and expects you to as well. If you decide to go forward with the marriage for practical reasons, I strongly recommend that you get a pre-nup and keep your finances separate even after you are married. His about face on the finances is a bit of a yellow flag, as well as his selfishness about getting married in the first place. If he complains about the separate finances when you lay down the terms, then don’t get married at all, because he’s only in it for himself.
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Fuck this guy. Do not marry someone who only wants to be married when it mashes his life more convenient, that’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.
I would move without him.
This is a weird reason for him to want to get married…
Common law is different in different states or countries so, legal rights are different, or may not recognize at all when you travel…
One of the many reasons my partner and I have decided to get married (apart just wanting to) is because no matter where in the world life takes us, if something happens to one of us, sick or injured— we want our union to be legally recognized to make potential health decisions for one another and be the first point of contact as family
But your guy is… approaching this for.. his wallet? Not good. I would reconsider relocating for this person. Red flag 🚩