Hello Reddit this is my first time posting but wasn’t sure where else to go with this I just needed to get this off my chest. (Names changed for obvious reasons).
A bit of context me (29) and my boyfriend (30) have been together nearly 5 years and he has never given me a reason to think he would cheat on me he is very loyal, I have been cheated on or physically or emotionally abused in every single relationship I’ve had so it was refreshing to be with someone who never gave me reason to believe this would happen.
His group of friends all around 30-31 decided to do a lads holiday and while I was a bit skeptical I let him go as I figured the most I’d need to worry about is that he didn’t get sun burnt or that he drank enough water.
Cut to Friday night, he goes out to a bar or two in this country, again I have nothing to worry about as he said this is a really quiet town and it’s pretty much just him and his friends there. At the end of the night he gives me a call and says that him and his friends bumped into two girls out there, I was a little bit hurt by this but he explained that it was his two single friends that were chatting up the women and he was pretty much giving one word answers the whole night.
During this phone call one of his friends cuts in and says “no he wasn’t he was flirting with one of them all night and wingmanning me the whole time with the other one” this was said almost in the way of when you are younger and on the phone with your mum and a friend goes “oi put down the spliff” to try and catch them out or get them in trouble. Now the one friend who said this for context we have had issues with pretty much the whole 5 years, he has in the past rubbed my belly and asked when it’s due, the first time I met him he groped me in a “jokey” way but everyone constantly brushes him off because that’s “just john” and if you get to know him you know he is harmless.
I couldn’t just brush this one off though this instantly sent my anxiety spiking because now I have this image of my boyfriend spending the night flirting with this woman.
I tried to get more context from my boyfriend and from his friend who were instantly back tracking and changing their stories to try and cover for each other. It took three days before I got the “full” story from my boyfriend where he detailed that they did infact spent the evening with this women not only going to one bar but another bar together they chatted for hours but it was purely platonic.
I don’t believe that my boyfriend has cheated I am not sure he has even flirted but my issue is that he initially lied and left out parts of the story, it went from a 5 min blunt one word answer conversation to spending the evening getting to know these women. My issue is that if he had nothing to hide why not just tell me that story from the beginning. I would have been a little hurt but at least I would know the truth.
I am not sure what I want from posting this I just need help to get this out of my head as it is consuming me at the moment. He comes home on Thursday and I am not sure how to react to all of this. Reddit please help me
Comments
This isn’t about cheating it’s about trust and he cracked it the moment he chose a lie over transparency. If he’s loyal he’ll own the damage and rebuild what he broke but don’t settle for a love that makes your gut feel like it’s lying to you.
John’s a troublemaker but your boyfriend changing his story three times? That’s the actual red flag.
He didn’t cheat but he definitely lied and that’s what makes it messy. If it was really that innocent, why lie three different times before telling the “truth”?
That’s a tough situation to be in, I’m sorry to hear that. I would understand having an issue with the lying part, if it truly was harmless, why lie? That only creates doubt and insecurity in your relationship. I would maybe talk to him, express how the lie made you feel and try and see if he’s able to understand where you’re coming from. It could just be that the friend was trying to get a rise out of you both by saying something to get him in trouble or it could be something more, trust your gut but be sure to talk to him as well.
U been cheated and abused in any relationship. So look at the mirror and ask why
It’s natural to feel hurt when he wasn’t honest at first. Trust is built on openness, so talk to him calmly about how his silence affected you. After five years, you deserve honesty and respect.
it sounds like his friends were being jerks and they thought it would be funny to get him in trouble with his woman. they did just that and its not funny.
In my opinion, you’re not spiraling because he talked to some woman. You’re spiraling because he lied. That’s the breach. That’s what your gut is reacting to, not some random girl in a bar. If he had told you the full story up front, this wouldn’t be a crisis. You’d have been annoyed, maybe a little jealous, but not betrayed.
I’ve been through this. The issue was never “did you cheat?” It was “why did you think you needed to edit the truth?” Because when someone rewrites the story in real-time, it’s not to protect you. It’s to protect them. And that’s the seed of mistrust. You don’t need to have caught him with his pants down for it to matter. The minute you have to chase someone for the truth, you’re already being misled. Now, that friend? The one who rubbed your belly and groped you? He’s a problem. And the fact that your boyfriend has tolerated him for five years speaks volumes about what your boyfriend is willing to excuse for the sake of loyalty. That tells me your boundaries haven’t been taken seriously, even before this trip. You didn’t overreact. Your concerns have been valid for a while.
What I see here is cognitive dissonance. You’re trying to reconcile the image of a loyal man with the behavior of a guy who’s withholding facts and surrounding himself with men who humiliate and undermine you. That kind of split messes with your mind and keeps you stuck in a loop of doubt. Me personally? I don’t wait around for someone to decide if I’m worth being honest with. If I have to catch you being truthful, I no longer trust the surface. Doesn’t matter if you didn’t cheat. You chose comfort over transparency, and that’s not a good sign.
When he gets back Thursday, don’t scream, don’t plead, don’t play detective. Just tell him plainly: “You didn’t have to lie. You chose to. And now I’m stuck wondering what else you think I can’t handle.” His reaction will tell you everything. If he deflects or minimizes again, you already have your answer.
Between now and dead, are you going to keep gaslighting yourself into peace? Or are you finally ready to stop settling for half-truths and “harmless” disrespect? Your gut knows. Listen to it.
> My issue is that if he had nothing to hide why not just tell me that story from the beginning. I would have been a little hurt but at least I would know the truth.
you have your answer op. Trust your gut
Lawyer up, hit the gym, he don’t need you. You gotta know your worth, sister. Girl if I had my man do that to me, he’d be outta my life faster than shit leaving the body, no m’am