I’ve (28 f) been with my boyfriend (28 m) for 1.5 years, and I’ve genuinely tried with his dad, but I feel like I’m at my limit. His dad constantly makes comments that are degrading and make me deeply uncomfortable.
He regularly calls me b—-h, b—-h face, t—t face, c—t, etc. He makes remarks about my eating, saying things like ‘you don’t stop eating, you hoover food up, f*****g hell don’t tell me you’re eating again, what don’t you eat, etc. I already struggle with body image and my bf and his parents are aware of this, so having someone makes these comments feels humiliating, especially when I’m a very healthy weight, toned, and work out 5x a week. It’s not even about my body, it’s the constant need to comment on what I’m eating. He will sometimes cook Sunday dinner and do me one too, but then berate me for eating it quickly.
He also constantly comments on my appearance. He’s told me I shouldn’t wear makeup around the house and that I should wear light clothing instead of black. Before we went on holiday together, his parents sat me down and told me I should stop wearing so much makeup (I’ve worn gothic smoky eye makeup for 10+ years because I like it). They also said I shouldn’t wear makeup during the day on holiday because ‘it’ll melt off’, but told I could wear it on the evenings. My boyfriend defended this by saying they just want me to feel more confident.
When we were on holiday together, his dad was especially nasty to me, and I felt completely trapped in a foreign country. I couldn’t even have alcohol without being called an alcoholic. I felt trapped and it put strain on my relationship. He also frequently looks me up and down inappropriately, in front of my boyfriend, which makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Even their pets are scared of him.
The part that’s really hard to navigate is that my boyfriend is always chasing his dad’s approval. His dad was so cruel and cold to him growing up that they only formed a relationship after COVID, despite always living together. His dad always favoured his only sister, which is ironic given how he talks about women. And yet my boyfriend insists his dad loves me and is protective of me, saying he would go to war for me. But that doesn’t match anything I experience from him.
My boyfriend has confronted his dad before, telling him to stop with the name calling. His dad hugged me and apologised, saying it was just a joke and that he’d be more careful. But since then, it feels like he’s been on a mission to push my boundaries even further, almost to prove that I can’t tell him what to do. And my boyfriend told me I shouldn’t expect his dad to change and that his dad shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells.
I love my boyfriend, and I love the time we spend together. But I’m at the point where I want to completely avoid his dad because he makes me feel so uncomfortable. My body literally goes into fight or flight when I see him.
How do I set boundaries when my boyfriend doesn’t seem to think I should? I’d really appreciate any advice.
TLDR: Boyfriend’s dad constantly insults me, makes inappropriate comments about my eating and appearance, and has even been confronted about it before. My boyfriend insists he loves me, but I feel incredibly uncomfortable around him and don’t know how to navigate this anymore. What do I do?
Comments
Have some respect for yourself and end this relationship. Why are you letting this man speak to you this way? There’s never a good enough reason to allow this kind of behavior.
I hate it when Redditors use “dump your boyfriend” as a solution, but holy fuck, this would be the time to dump your boyfriend. It doesn’t matter if he “confronted” his dad, the dad’s behavior is disgusting and your boyfriend doesn’t care.
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Love makes people blind i guess. Who the hell calls her son’s gf names and your bf is okay with it. Get the hell out of that family. Your bf’s dad is creep and disgusting and your bf has backbone of jellyfish
The obvious solution is stop spending time in the vecinity of this person. Why haven’t you tried that?
Stop seeing, engaging, and doing literally anything with your boyfriend’s dad. If he has your phone number, block him. No vacations, no family functions, nothing.
Run from this. You’re better than that. Before you end up married and hating life. If that is what he was raised around…
You’ll never win… his dad will always prevail because he wants his approval so bad.
Either stand up for yourself and realize there may be harsh consequences or accept that’s just “how they are”. Sadly this sounds like a lose lose situation. I’m sorry.
Some people just hate themselves so much they have to put others down. Im soo sorry.
Let me guess: when his dad hugged you he did it in a way he’d brush against you inappropriately?
>How do I set boundaries when my boyfriend doesn’t seem to think I should?
By ending the relationship. He doesn’t respect you, just like his father.
I’m sorry, but I would urge you to end the relationship with your boyfriend and stay as far away from the dad as possible. He sounds weird and creepy and is regularly insulting you. You wouldn’t put up with this from anyone else (I hope) so, don’t tolerate it from him.
Edit to add: your boyfriend is not a good person here. He is letting his dad insult you. He’s also trying to undermine you with the ‘confidence’ comment on your make up.
i want you to imagine that your post was written by a close friend you love. how would you respond if she told you her boyfriend’s dad terrorizes her constantly and the boyfriend does nothing about it? how would you respond if she told you her self-worth is slipping away?
EDIT: I’ve just read you’re talking about future children with this guy. C’mon please? Did you post for sympathy or advice? Because reading that you’re considering that potentially there might be children in the future with this man has me concerned that you’re not thinking about you here, you’re thinking about him, putting him first because he’s still living under his Dad’s roof… Do you want us to give you the inconvenient truth or a reassuring lie here?
First thing first STOP listening to the enabler of this abuse ~ your BF. He hasn’t ever done enough to prevent this and NEVER will. It would have happened already.
Don’t let your BF enable his Dad to abuse you. Keep away from his Dad.
Imagine what you’ve described and it was happening to your daughter… I’m sure in a heartbeat you know for certain what you’d advise.
”Go to war for you”… that’s such BS. It’s immeasurable and unrealistic. Because when men say that sh!t to women, knowing they never will have to it’s just down right ridiculous because it will never be tested. Whenever someone declares that they would “go to war for you”, should say something along the lines of I don’t need you to go to the length of war; but would you be willing to respect me that much that you would stand up to verbal abuse ~ and fight my corner for me even if that means calling out your own blood relatives?
Your BF doesn’t care what is happening to you. He’s only virtue signalling to appease you and will never do anything about it.
There is no love, stop trying to convince yourself! Love would not let this happen to you. WAKE UP. Listen to the room. End this relationship.
If you’re dating to marry, consider that this man may be your father-in-law for the rest of your life. Is that something you want to put up with? Is your partner covering for his behavior something you’re willing to put up with, for what might be decades? You deserve more self-respect than that, in my opinion.
Every time his Dad does this, ask him what the fuck is wrong with him. Look BFDad square in the eye ask “What the fuck is wrong with you?” And look bored or inconvenienced when you ask. And keep asking until he answers or stops. Do not raise your voice. Do not get agitated. Just, mildly inconvenienced.
Or dump the guy who’s letting his Dad do the work of breaking your spirit. And tell him it’s because of how utterly disrespectful his Dad is to you.
I’d stand up and confront him loudly in front of the family. Just let loose with the inappropriateness, call him a bully, call him a disgusting cranky old man etc etc… just go nuclear. Then walk away. The aftermath will show where your BF stands in this dynamic. From there you can decide to stay or break up and leave. Good luck OP! I would’ve called him out the first time, slapped him the second, and left. Total bullying behavior.
This sounds so unbelievably toxic. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know you love your boyfriend but his father isn’t going to change and as long as your boyfriend is still seeking his approval, you’ll never escape this unfortunately. I think it’s time to move on. Life is short. You don’t deserve to be miserable like this. This is verbal/emotional abuse.
It sounds like your boyfriend is always going to value his dad’s approval over you to the point that he’ll allow him to disrespect you if it wins him points. The mom sounds like she’s been abused for so long that she expects you to put up with it too and will also throw you under the bus to stay in her husband’s good graces. This is not the kind of family you want to marry into.
If your boyfriend won’t cut these people off to protect you, you should consider walking away to protect yourself.
You have a boyfriend problem. He’s a spineless wimp of a jellyfish. Dump him and you’ll never have to see his Dad again make sure to tell him the reason you’re dumping him is that his Dad is an abusive assailed, and he’s a coward using you as his meat shield.
Unfortunately there are people who won’t learn boundaries with their parents until it’s cost them something. Like a relationship.
1 year and a half of this ???? How did you not leave at the first comment?
What do you think there is to salvage in this relationship ??
Break up and get yourself in therapy. You NEED to understand how you could end up in this situation.
You want to avoid his dad? Avoid him. I don’t see the problem. I’ve been in enough relationships I’d think, currently been with the same person for many years. Their dads were all perfectly respectful to me as far as I know. All 10x a year I saw/see them. Why are you hanging out with your grown bfs parents in the first place?
Maybe this is a cultural difference that I can’t understand. What country are you from? Though if that’s the case, my advice is useless.
If your bf can’t have your back in this situation, it is a huge red flag. I’m sorry, but you should look out for yourself and move on. Love doesn’t look like this.
You’re 28 years old!!! You do not have to be around this man!!! Get your own place and if you want to see your bf, he can come to you!!!
You’re grown…..stop taking this abuse!!!!
Most victims (your bf) do chase after their abuser’s (his dad) approval…….. doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it!!! (Your bf probably needs therapy!!)
As long as your boyfriend seeks his father’s approval and doesn’t see him as the abuser he is, you will never be in a happy, healthy relationship. You shouldn’t have to be around his dad ever.
>> My boyfriend has confronted his dad before, telling him to stop with the name calling. My body literally goes into fight or flight when I see him.
If your boyfriend isn’t willing to go no contact, this will never change. I’d end this. You deserve better.
Jesus get the heck away from these people. They hate you.
Your boyfriend is not your person. He doesn’t have your back at all and isn’t strong enough to protect you from his dad.
I’m married to someone who seeks approval from a parent who will never give it. It’s been a common disagreement that I feel hurt that he doesn’t have my back. And his parent isn’t NEARLY as bad as what you describe.
This won’t get better. Save yourself.
I’m curious, did your boyfriend’s sister move away?
Dump your bf!! His need for approval from his dad will always be greater than his love for you.
Take a moment and picture yourself on the outside looking in. You’re watching everything you described happening, but instead of you it’s your daughter these things are being said to and her boyfriend is complacent and doing nothing to protect or back her up. What would you tell her?
If you wouldn’t stand to see anyone else in a similar situation, then you shouldn’t stand for yourself to be in it either.
Your boyfriend knows this hurts, his parents know it hurts you and it continues. This is abuse. This is verbal, mental and emotional abuse. Your boyfriend standing by while it occurs and doing nothing to protect you means he’s condoning it. Not putting his foot down and stopping it makes him just as guilty as his dad.
If your bf were worth ANYTHING, he’d stand up to his dad and tell him to keep his opinions to himself.
You cannot love someone and still let them be talked to like this.
Be clear to your boyfriend: your dad is trying to drive me away. Who is more important to you? me or your dad?
and if he says his dad, you pack up and get out.
Your boyfriend’s a loser for letting his dad treat his girlfriend this way. Imagine marrying and spending the rest of your life with someone who’s supposed to care about you but is unbothered by someone treating you this way.
“Dad shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells” LMFAO. Your boyfriend’s old enough to use his brain to think and clearly isn’t using it. Red flags like mad.
Your boyfriend thinks that’s an okay way for you to be treated and that’s a serious problem.
I wonder if Dad’s doing it to drive you away, out of jealousy, or some weird manosphere tactic to try to wreck your self esteem to try to ensure you won’t leave your boyfriend.
Whatever it is it’s weird and bad and you should run.
Dump your boyfriend. If he’s so desperate for a relationship with his POS father, he can have him.
Your bf comes off like a child. His dad sounds like a monster, but your bf is way waaay too old to just be letting his actions slide. And so are you. So don’t, remove yourself from the situation. If my father ever talked that way to/about a woman I was dating I’d have given him one shot to fix himself then we’d be done. Hell, I wouldn’t even accept my father talking that way about a woman I didn’t even know, its an embarrassing way for him to speak.
>And my boyfriend told me I shouldn’t expect his dad to change and that his dad shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells.
But YOU walking on eggshells and being uncomfortable to the point your body literally triggers its fight or flight response is….gross, disrespectful, wildly inappropriate, immature…I could go on but I’m hungry.
Create a final boundary: “I’m done being your dad’s punching bag and “joke”, he makes my skin crawl and he’s disgustingly inappropriate. You won’t stand up for me so I’m standing up for me. I’m done. I’m out. I’m over this childish relationship.”
Eta
Updateme
This is a boyfriend problem. His confronting his dad once and then doing nothing as his dad goes right back to the abusive behavior is not what a caring and protective partner does. I think at this point you need to tell him that you will not be spending time around his parents anymore. If he wants to see them he can go visit them alone, but you need you to cut them off. They are abusive towards you and they are not your relatives, you are under no obligation to try and ‘fix’ the relationship you have with them.
If he’s not okay with this and he chooses his abusive parents over you, it’s time to move on. Don’t build a life with someone who isn’t willing to defend you or put you first.
Break up with your boyfriend. There is no other solution. This will never change.
If you are not going to break up with your boyfriend, at least avoid any occasions where you have to be around his dad.
Dating ends one of two ways. You get married or you break up. If you don’t break up this man becomes your father in law. If that’s your life, then you are going to be uncomfortable a large part of the time because neither your bf or his dad are going to change. It’s that, or you refuse to ever go with him to see his dad, which will cause tension to build over the years and set you apart from the family. Do you want children? What if this man speaks to your child that way? Do you really want to knowingly go into a situation where you never want your kid to see their grandfather but your husband isn’t on the same page. It’s just going to be an endless fight for the rest of his life.
Does that sound good to you? Honestly? I would end the relationship over this. I think you’ll find that you feel relieved. Don’t you want relief from this? You can get it. Don’t waste your time waiting on these two to change when you know you deserve better.
You want to know how to deal with a man who lets his dad degrade you? You leave. This man will always seek his dad’s approval if he’s still doing it now
His dad is one of those people who is TRYING to push your buttons. This means that the more you try to establish boundaries, and the more you tell him that something bothers you, the more he will *deliberately* break those boundaries and do the things that hurt you. The only way out of this is to stop being around his father. And frankly, if your bf is seeking his father’s approval so badly, then this is probably not going to be a healthy relationship in any way.
Op he’s 28, he’s grown. If he can’t stand up to his dad now he probably never will and this comes from a 41f that was so emotionally abused as a child I was never able to stand up to my father, even in his death bed I couldn’t do it.
You need to protect yourself from this man. He’s dangerous to your well being. And if your bf can’t or won’t see his father’s abuse of you, well…then love isn’t enough. Because you know you’d never let your family talk to someone you loved like that, you’d protect them.
You can’t save your boyfriend if he’s not ready to save himself.
My guess is he’s going to cycle through a few more girlfriends before he finally lets go of the dream of earning his dad’s love and approval.
So sorry you’re dealing with this, you absolutely deserve to feel safe and respected.
• Have a clear, honest talk with your boyfriend. Set a boundary and a timeline: if things don’t change, you’ll need to walk away.
• Let him know this impacts your mental health and your ability to show up in the relationship.
• If his dad crosses the line again, calmly but firmly call it out. Being older doesn’t give him a free pass to disrespect you. If you don’t hear an apology you might eventually have to walk out of that relationship
• This feels like a power and control issue, likely tied to his own unresolved stuff—possibly narcissistic behavior.
Your discomfort is valid. You’re not overreacting, and it’s okay to protect your peace.
You can’t fix this, you need to leave.
His dad is giving you a glimpse at what the future by your bf’s side will be. Your boyfriend doesn’t think you should set boundaries because he is exactly like his dad. He doesn’t respect you and I can guarantee that he will start treating you like that in the future if you stay.
Have some self-respect, you deserve better than that.
Girl. Hopefully you leave this dude and his asshole dad soon and a year from now you’ll be wondering how tf you allowed anyone to treat you this way. Jfc
BREAK UP. Please. You deserve a boyfriend who won’t tolerate his family members disrespecting you.
> How do I set boundaries when my boyfriend doesn’t seem to think I should?
It’s not your job to set the boundaries (or at least to enforce them). It’s your boyfriend’s. If he knows how you feel it’s his job to work with his family to enforce those boundaries and (if necessary) make a choice of them or you. Right now, it seems he has chosen them. He is content for you to feel bad so he doesn’t have to stand up to them. This doesn’t get fixed without your boyfriend deciding to respect you.
Oh boy. I think this all boils down to how much you respect yourself. You’ve tried speaking to your boyfriend to intervene on your behalf, and you’ve tried to speak directly to FIL. At this point, you’ve done your due diligence, and it doesn’t appear to have done any good. According to you, it sounds like A. Your BF is an apologist for his Dad’s abhorrent behavior and B. Your FIL isn’t worried about you or your feelings.
BF and FIL are telling you how they feel about you.
You are telling them you are willing to put up with being treated like this.
I think you know you should let this relationship go, for not only your self-respect but also your mental health.
Also, in case you’re doubting yourself, I would reread everything you’ve written here, but read it as if it’s someone that you care about. What advice would give to someone you cared about in this exact scenario?
Best of luck to you.
Damn if my boyfriends dad was that callous and inapproriate to me my boyfriend would tell his dad to shut the fuck up
Your boyfriend is never going to actually have your back on this
Your boyfriend isn’t going to back you up, so you need to get rid of the boyfriend. Do you want this to be the next 30 years of your life?
Bullies usually learn it from their parents who constantly bully them. If they won’t even acknowledge it’s a problem run for the hills. they’ll never change.
Why are you around his dad so much? I would simply REFUSE to be anywhere near him.
Dump the stupid boyfriend. He’s just his dad in the making.
i’ve been the BF in that situation. I did love my GF and made a stance: We moved to another city and broke contact to my family. Didn’t invite them to our wedding. Child didn’t know she even has grandparents for most of her live. 5 years later dad began to realize that he might have made an mistake so we slowly started talking again. No regrets.
If your bf doesn’t do that for you, its the wrong guy
Turn the tables on him. Ask him why it took a pandemic for him to stop being such an arsehole to his son. Tell him you’ll wear as much makeup as you want and wear whatever you want cause it’s none of his business. If he gets upset, pat him on the back and just “just joking “then carry on doing the same thing. BE.BLUNT.
You have a boyfriend problem. He doesn’t stick up to you. This is crossing too many boundaries. If he won’t stand up now, he never will. Also stop going to him. If you boyfriend has an issue, tell him that’s his problem. There is absolutely no reason for you to subjugate yourself to this kind of behaviour.
But my opinion? Get a better boyfriend who will stand up to you and comes from a better family.
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this but this is absolutely not okay and I am absolutely concerned about the lack of protectiny your bf is doing.
This is truly not okay and they are trying to bring you down on purpose. This could be a grooming situation and it’s scary and not okay.
You need to get out of this. Please
Your BF’s father is abusive and he is enabling and excusing the behavior. Best to leave them both in the past. Once you’ve had some time away from them and don’t feel constantly criticized and attacked you will not be willing to return to the status quo. BF’s dad is emotionally abusive, his name calling and body shaming are abusive and his attempts to control what you wear, eat and how you do your makeup are controlling and coercive.
Your BF just makes excuses for him, it’s likely that he enjoys not being his father’s primary target. You deserve better from a partner and you should not ever be expected to tolerate even a fraction of the emotionally/verbally abusive comments and name calling from anyone.
You stop spending time with a man who hears his father call you vile slurs and insists that’s okay and that he’s not going to do anything to try to stop it. That’s what you do. Your boyfriend is the problem here. Because he’s right, his father isn’t going to change, and neither is your boyfriend. And if not calling you the c-word is what your boyfriend considers “walking on eggshells,” then your boyfriend is not a good person.