AITA –
Been dating this guy for two+ months, things got serious and wonderful fast. Thought he was amazing – caring, attentive, present, communicative, affectionate. We recently declared girlfriend/boyfriend status. He gets his kids for 1 month out of the year (they are out of state), so they came about 2 weeks ago – great kids, btw – 9yo girl and 12yo boy. They stay at his place of course but he introduced me to them – as a friend. Well things just got ugly.
This past Sunday he dramatically changed. He went silent. When I finally got an explanation from him – he said his daughter was using the hotspot on his phone and she got into his texts and saw a pic of me showing a single breast, just lifting up my shirt slightly. The daughter asked him about it and he freaked. (BTW, about a week ago he told me he deleted it). Then the daughter told his ex about it and she freaked on him. He shut down and didn’t know how to handle it, and then was somewhat ghosting me. I told him that he can manage the narrative with both of them – yes it’s embarassing, and I’m sorry she saw it, but he (and I) could manage the narrative as adults. In the end I said we could talk / work through this.
Yesterday he texted me a diatribe about how he needs to protect them (from a boob picture??) and how he fears he lost his trust from his daughter, and how he’s afraid the ex will retalliate, and how he needs to focus on them and protect them and put his guard back up, and that he was breaking up – basically with no further contact. So he fully broke it off with me – not even friends – and I haven’t responded.
I was crushed but I think it showed his character – someone who would just shut out anything and make it collateral for threats from his ex?. Or he’s just not mature enough to have a relationship right now. I know it can be complex, but did it have to end? AITA?
Comments
He needs to do whats best for his relationship with his kids, and if its some space from you now so he can focus on that relationship then thats what he needs to do. Kids come first.
Nah sis, you’re NTA. Dude just got cold feet. The overreaction says more about HIS insecures, tbh. No mature adult straight up ditches for an awk situation. We all face em, mkay? You could’ve talked it out like grown-ups. It’s a bummer but good riddance. Trust me, you dodged a mf bullet.
To you it was a boob picture, I get that
Try to have a little empathy here though, damn. His 9 year old daughter saw a sexual photo of a woman she doesn’t know on her dad’s phone. How TF do you think she feels? No “narrative” you come up with magically erases her feelings.
NTA for sending a pic, he’s an asshole for not properly deleting it (phones tend to keep things for 30 days before doing full deletion nowadays)
YTA for being angry that this man “showed his character” when his character is being a dad who realizes he messed up and puts his kids first.
Huh? What did you do that you’re asking a judgement on?
You dodged a bullet, dude sounds like a putz…
ETA: YTA for posting in this subreddit… wrong place…
Yeah, probably just got a gift there
Just move on and cut contact. Dude needs to get his shit together and not be so fragile
NTA. Kids don’t need to be on their parents’ phones, and parents should do a better job securing them against their kids so they don’t see things like that.
Getting to see your kids and walking on eggshells and being hyper sensitive to everything is traumatizing.
Don’t blame him, he is probably terrified of losing his kids.
Are you sure he’s not still entangled with his ex. NTA
NTA, dude needs to learn how to parent and how to manage relationships with people. Kids see stuff and they need to understand what they saw and why. Not go into panic mode.
But I don’t blame him for keeping the pic, not that it was right, just that I don’t think I could delete it either. Also, don’t blame him for calling you his friend. It is not easy to break the real news to the kids after not seeing them for 11 months. Everything else he failed on.
Mixed opinions so far in the comments.
I’d say moderate asshole on both parties.
1 is being pretty immature by guilting a man she’s barely been dating into not parenting the way he thinks is correct. (You’re soo outta bounds for this one). Just leave the dude alone and find a new man or let him have some space.
2 is this guy clearly having a nervous meltdown after he fucked up around his kids. He clearly has not shown a history for being #1 spectacular dad given his restricted time with them and the fact they found these pictures in the first place. He seems to have shown a pattern of maybe not being the most reliable dad and is letting that spill over onto you. Don’t expect this to be the last time either. This is a feature not a bug.
Guy needs to seriously grow up. He lied about deleting the picture for a start. He knew it was on his phone but still let her access it unsupervised and blamed you for something he knew was a risk. I very much doubt his 9yr old was disturbed by a boob picture. It was hardly you taking a selfie with legs wide open lol. My daughters have seen their mom walking out of the shower dozens of times and don’t even care lol. He sounds like he’s freaking that the ex will use it to get full custody without visitation. Tbh it’s on him completely. I think you dodged a bullet if this is how to blows up when an issue arises.
This guy sucks. He’s an adult. You’re an adult. His kid went snooping on his phone and found something she shouldn’t have seen. It’s time for him to discuss boundaries and privacy with his daughter, not break up with you. NTAH.
He needs to take ownership of what he keeps on his phone that he allowed his kids access to
Nta. You cannot control his reaction to things. He showed poor judgement in not deleting the photo (or putting it in hidden folder) and he panicked over how his kid and ex reacted. Does he think they expect him to be celibate?…. He may think that, but he messed up keeping nudes on his phone and he is associating that with you. So you are now associated to his stress and its not your fault.
And this is why we can’t trust anyone with nudes/boob pics.
NTA. Yes it’s bad they saw it but that’s in no way your fault
You haven’t done anything wrong so NTA but neither has he.
Honestly it was the best thing for you to have things end. He blamed you for his daughter seeing a picture, that he lied to your face about deleting and he failed to keep secure. And this whole over the top production he’s made about what should be such a minor, slightly embarrassing incident? I’m sorry but there’s a reason he introduced you as a friend to the kids and his Ex while secretly making things official with you. He’s been playing you, his kids and the EX. He’s no doubt been trying to get back with them and now they know he’s a lying POS and has been seeing you this whole time. So he’s dumped you to work on lying his ass off to the Ex and his kids. If it fails he’ll just come straight back to you and magnanimously forgive you for what he did here. Again you are better off.
NTA. He is massively overreacting and should’ve handled like an adult.
As a guy, I sense more going on here. The Ex may not be as Ex as you think. Or when this became real to her, boob pic, she decided she wanted him back. Possibly the best thing that could have happened for you. Try to move forward.
Realistically, if he knows his kids have access to his phone he should have actually established proper boundaries with you to make sure either you don’t send those type of pictures to him, or, make sure the kids don’t have easy access to his phone.
But the more important thing during the dating stage is seeing how the person handles conflict and how they respond to you during conflict. Him not wanting to see what they saw is completely valid and any parent should could feel strongly as he did. However, his overall behavior demonstrated a level of instability I don’t think would be healthy long term.
It could be a one off thing, but I am doubtful this outcome was a bad thing.
NTA, maybe it is for the best. Dealing with someone else’s kids and X is exhausting. You got a little taste of it. He could have handled it differently. That 9 year will grow up quickly, and your X boyfriend will still be single. He was more concerned about his X and the negative consequences of that pic. It was your X fault for not deleting it and blaming you. Best of luck.
His kids have to be priority one for him. He gets to see them for only 1 month a year, and this is just the ammunition his ex could use to make that time even less. It sucks for you, but in any case of dating someone with kids, it is hard to be seen as the first priority.
I think you dodged a bullet.
NTA. You don’t need this asshole. He raises spoiled kids. Good that you broke up before things got serious. Or your post would be about his kids snooping in your underwear drawers and demanding 24/7 access to your marriage bedroom.
It’s also really weird that 9 y.o. has a problem with a breast photo. 9 y.o. is not supposed to know that showing boobs is a sexual thing. I hope that she simply saw that he’s freaking out and unconsciously repeated his reaction and not that she was exposed to porn or SA.
So his daughter was using a feature that shares data access between his device and hers, which somehow turned into her getting onto his phone, then into his texts, then scrolling through your conversation…? Yeah no, he’s lying.
NTA and just let it lie and die. He’s probably still in love with the ex to some degree. It’s his f-up that she saw the picture to begin with. Going off on you about it this way is a tad looney.
N.E.V.E.R send anything remotely sexy via smartphone message, pictures or anything else, it nevers disapears and normalizes thé horrible tendencies of sex pics exchanges for teenagers. Sorry it’s just plain stupid
NTA – got into his texts? No snooping through his phone. My kids will use my phone to watch Netflix or Disney, and that’s it. Or play a game because there are boundaries for using my phone. This is only if the battery on their devices. So daughter knew what she was doing a d he knew damn well he had the pic on his phone.
You haven’t done anything, so you can’t be TA.
NTA I have a strong feeling he is still involved or is trying to repair his relationship with his ex and told her he has no one and this ruined his plans. She found out and that is what upsets him. I know its crushing but I would cut him off for good.
NTA you dodged a bullet who isn’t ready to be in a relationship
NTA. He let his kids have access to his phone and he knew there were pics on there.
Seems like there is more to this story though. You’ve only known this dude for 2 months, right? You sure he is single? The way he shut you out so easily based on something that was his fault.
First, he should have deleted it like he said. Second shes 9, she probably was just curious why someone he called a friend was showing her boob to him. Honestly he sounds like an absolute moron.
Girl just block him.
NTA. He’s a weird guy.
“Been dating this guy for two+ months, things got serious and wonderful fast”
This is the first red flag. You are NTA.
(And yes I know that things getting serious fast isn’t always a red flag, but in relationships that take turns like this it always happens fast)
What does this have to do with you? He lied to you and then to cover himself probably blamed it on you. Fuck that guy.
How is that your fault?! You get punished for his mistake. He should be happy that he got an awesome picture in the first place
was not your fault he needs to wise up and take responsibility maybe put a lock on his phone and not lie about deleting pics
Jfc, what kind of parenting these kids have that a picture of a female body distressed them?
What kind of parenting these children have, that they go around snooping at their parent’s phone?
Lady, find a man without baggage. If you cannot find one, it’s better that you stay single. Being a stepparent is the most ungrateful job in life. You are never a priority. Ever.
Nta at all – reading through your comments the only way this even begins to make sense is if she threatened his access to the kids because of it…. But and a really big but it was by your wording a nip slip picture not a graphic sex tape so seems proper extreme. Whole situation is weird and would have only gotten worse. Definitely right to walk (if not run) out of that situation
It sounds like he feels he could lose access to the kids as a result. Maybe a militant ex. Not a good excuse but if that’s it it’s the best motivation I can ascribe to his actions.
NTA
Blaming you for something he said he deleted but didn’t, and his kids seen it is on HIM, not you. He should’ve made sure his kids didn’t have access to his phone by either a code or password or just deleted the photo.
You don’t want this kind of person to spend your life with, it will get worse. You deserve much better.
You are NTA here Boob pics are a wonderful thing. If he didn’t want his daughter to see it he should have not given her the phone or deleted said boob picture.
I can understand him freaking out as a father that went years without being able to see or even know where his kids were. These are the kind of things that evil ex-wives use to push a wedge between the kids and their father.
A 9 year old girl got into his phones texts through his hotspot?
No. No she didn’t…..
🙄
He’s the asshole for not putting your boob photo in a private folder or deleting it
He is putting the blame on you, he was negligent, and he exposed his daughter and you too. At least he found out he’s shit early.
Don’t respond. You dodged a bullet
And I weep your in box with all the requests for the photo
Hey so the only thing I would demand of him, is one last visit in person, don’t tell him why, then when y’all actually meet, ask for his phone and delete all the nudes of yourself there, cause he’s clearly keeping them if he “deleted” the last one. Idk, all I’m saying is, he doesn’t seem like he’d just delete them if you ask, i.e he didn’t when you asked before. Oh and obviously you’re not the asshole, just make sure you take proper precautions to protect yourself, he just sounds more pathetic than dangerous but still
Wow this guy is something else, no wonder he is divorced. He will be back after the month is out, just don’t be waiting. When it comes to tough situations this guy folds like a lawn chair. This isn’t even a big deal, I would have laughed.
Weird reaction from a guy who only sees his kids 8% of their life. I was gonna say why even be with a guy who doesn’t even care to see his kids.
Why would he only get one month out of the year? And why wouldn’t he do everything he could to change it?
NTA. He’s being a little bitch
You are NTA, but as a father, no one will ever come between me and the opportunity to see my kids. I wouldn’t risk a single thing there.
Luckily I love my wife more than my kids and am not worried about divorce in the future. But if something ever happened to my wife, id only be able to date widows that fully understand the situation so we can both be on the level that our kids are now the most important things for each of us. All other humans are second.
He’s mental😂
NTA
Dude broke up with you for being a great girlfriend, you dodged a bullet.
NTA. He’s being a dick because he’s afraid of giving his ex ammunition. You did nothing wrong here, obviously, so it’s time to move on and forget him.
When is he going to teach his kids to mind their own business? Cause if he doesn’t, someone else will and it will not be a nice conversation
This shit is on him not you! Your two grown adults and if you either sent him the pic or he took it that was his responsibility to make sure nobody saw it. I personally feel you might have just dodged a huge bullet. Goes to show you how a small inconvenience to someone can blow completely out proportion! Hope you find someone with those same traits to love you without the bullshit.
NTA it sounds like there’s more to thso story than he Is letting on. I don’t know alot adult who would have nudes in an easily accessible file, most have a private or locked folder for those images. 2) why would the ex care that the child saw 1 singular boob while on her father’s phone? If I was the mother I would tell the child we don’t go through others things with out permission, and then have a conversation with the the dad about security on the phone. I have a feeling something happened with the ex & the dad, the daughter found out about it and he’s using this as an excuse to get out of having to confront you about cheating 🤷🏼♀️ why have a hard conversation when you can blame shift and not take any responsibility at all.
NTA. The guy is navigating parenting without a lot of experience (a month a year is barely anything with kids who grow up so fast) is really rough and he screwed up. He’s overcorrecting and unfortunately your relationship was collateral damage. I don’t think you should try to salvage this. But you definitely didn’t do anything wrong.
NYA You just witnessed his true character. Get out while you can or you’ll become the scapegoat for all his mistakes.
First of all, that’s his own damn fault he knew exactly what was on his phone. Second, who cares? His loss. Just some guy with baggage and kids already. Not exactly a prize.
Beleive me, you just dodged a bullet. I went thru bullet dodging a while back and didn’t realize what a bullet I dodged for a couple of years. Consider yourself lucky, especially because you don’t feel lucky.
NTA
They found the photo on his network with his data. It wasn’t like you dropped off a hard copy and forgot it there.
He owns his network and parental controls and storage.
Also he literally could have said it was for medical reasons (assuming it wasn’t super flirtatious photo
NTA but neither is he. Truthfully we don’t know the whole story cause this is really short. I think he using a false justification for ending things. I think saying he shuts things down if they’re not perfect or calling him not manly is a deflection. It’s like you guys are the same person.
NTA – he has issues you want nothing to do with.
It’s just a boob. What narrative needs to be managed??? 😂😂😂
it sounds like the Mother is flipping out and pressuring him.
No one is TA. But something isn’t adding up.
“Using hotspot on phone.”
“Got into his texts.”
Why was the daughter using the boyfriend’s phone if she was already accessing the hotspot? On road trips, I set up my phone as a hotspot all the time so my kids can have WiFi for their devices. They never need to touch my phone. I don’t know, that’s suspicious as hell. Why is a 9 year-old going through your boyfriend’s texts?
Was the ex somehow telling the daughter to go snooping? My kids use my phone sometimes and just go and play games or take selfies.
And breaking up with you over his mistake just sounds … odd?