I (26 F) just reconnected to with B (26 F), who I used to date. In the past almost a year, we have had two false starts, then ends, due to circumstances around mental health and me being in an open relationship, which she is was new to and wasn’t sure was going to work for her. In summary, it was not because we weren’t getting along or had fights or anything like that— just stuff in our own personal lives that made dating not a great option at the time. When we were together, it was not committed (due to the type of relationship I was seeking at the time), though strong feelings were there.
We had a lot of fun when we hung out. She’s funny, exuberant, kind, a good friend, SO hot, and fantastic in bed. She also never makes me feel anxious— she’s super emotionally intelligent and communicative. She was there for me in a pretty dark spot and always helped me feel better. When my three year relationship ended, I decided I needed to take time alone, because I couldn’t give her very much when I was feeling totally broken. Though it was hard, she understood and agreed it was the best choice, saying she wanted to be friends eventually but needed time.
Recently, she reached out to me again, and we met up for drinks. The chemistry is still strong between us, and feelings are still there. The thing is, she wants a commitment if we are to actually get together this time. Don’t get me wrong— I think that is completely fair, I just don’t think I’m ready yet. It’s been about 4 months since my breakup, but I still feel a lot of anger and hurt toward my ex and the situation around how things ended. Yet, every time I am around B, I feel pulled to touch her and desperately want to kiss her. But, protecting her heart matters a lot to me, and I don’t want to hurt her.
Here’s the other thing about the situation. I worry that there are things about B that may bother me if we were in an actually committed relationship, that didn’t bother me when we didn’t have that commitment before. She doesn’t have a lot of direction in life. She doesn’t know what career she wants. She smokes a lot of weed every day. Her house is very messy. Though she is very emotionally intelligent, she is not intelligent in other ways. I feel terrible saying that, but she herself admits it. Sometimes, I feel bothered that she doesn’t know about this concept or that word or that thing that feels like common sense to me. Still, she has always been wonderful to me. Should these other things matter? Are they superficial and something I need to work through myself? How do we know what we want in a partner vs. what we actually need? How do I navigate a friendship with B? How do I know when it’s time to move on after a breakup? How do I figure out how to move forward?
Any experience and advice is greatly appreciated <3
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Backup of the post’s body: I (26 F) just reconnected to with B (26 F), who I used to date. In the past almost a year, we have had two false starts, then ends, due to circumstances around mental health and me being in an open relationship, which she is was new to and wasn’t sure was going to work for her. In summary, it was not because we weren’t getting along or had fights or anything like that— just stuff in our own personal lives that made dating not a great option at the time. When we were together, it was not committed (due to the type of relationship I was seeking at the time), though strong feelings were there.
We had a lot of fun when we hung out. She’s funny, exuberant, kind, a good friend, SO hot, and fantastic in bed. She also never makes me feel anxious— she’s super emotionally intelligent and communicative. She was there for me in a pretty dark spot and always helped me feel better. When my three year relationship ended, I decided I needed to take time alone, because I couldn’t give her very much when I was feeling totally broken. Though it was hard, she understood and agreed it was the best choice, saying she wanted to be friends eventually but needed time.
Recently, she reached out to me again, and we met up for drinks. The chemistry is still strong between us, and feelings are still there. The thing is, she wants a commitment if we are to actually get together this time. Don’t get me wrong— I think that is completely fair, I just don’t think I’m ready yet. It’s been about 4 months since my breakup, but I still feel a lot of anger and hurt toward my ex and the situation around how things ended. Yet, every time I am around B, I feel pulled to touch her and desperately want to kiss her. But, protecting her heart matters a lot to me, and I don’t want to hurt her.
Here’s the other thing about the situation. I worry that there are things about B that may bother me if we were in an actually committed relationship, that didn’t bother me when we didn’t have that commitment before. She doesn’t have a lot of direction in life. She doesn’t know what career she wants. She smokes a lot of weed every day. Her house is very messy. Though she is very emotionally intelligent, she is not intelligent in other ways. I feel terrible saying that, but she herself admits it. Sometimes, I feel bothered that she doesn’t know about this concept or that word or that thing that feels like common sense to me. Still, she has always been wonderful to me. Should these other things matter? Are they superficial and something I need to work through myself? How do we know what we want in a partner vs. what we actually need? How do I navigate a friendship with B? How do I know when it’s time to move on after a breakup? How do I figure out how to move forward?
Any experience and advice is greatly appreciated <3
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Those kinds of “nitpicky” things are the things that can sink a long term relationship. If you are disapproving of her or the way she lives her life, she will feel it, even if you don’t say anything, and over time it could destroy her self confidence. It sounds like B makes you feel good but can you make her feel similarly safe and non anxious around you? If not I would stick to friendship since she doesn’t want anything casual.
You’ve listed enough negatives here that I don’t think this could work out in the long run