Don’t know why I’m sharing this. I guess I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone in my personal life about such a nuanced situation.
I, 25f, and my ex fiancé 28m, just ended our engagement due to a huge factor that constantly affected our relationship dynamic in conflicts. Basically, we found ourselves always experiencing the same pattern in our conflicts — we’re both litigating our cases (him usually explaining the facts and logic of reality and me trying to have my emotional needs acknowledged). He feels that there is an objective reality and that a lot of my subjective emotions that arise are coming from a place of irrationality. He always felt that if he could give me the logic of said objective reality, my brain would simply comprehend the facts and all the feelings would magically disappear. Unfortunately, that was never the case. A lot of the time I could see where he was coming from and I was willing to meet him in his objective reality and see where I was falling short, but I still wanted him to hold space for my emotional needs in the conflicts.
After we broke up yesterday, we had a great talk about a lot of the patterns we saw between us and a lot of the rooted issues that we face and where they stemmed from. Ironically, as we were talking, I almost got my hopes up because we were able to find a lot of solutions for the issues we faced. Unfortunately, we reached a stalemate because the one thing he can’t see himself compromising on is giving me grace and patience in those moments of conflict when he feels like his tolerance for me is running short. I understand where he’s coming from and I know that I’m much more emotional than he is and he is very good at compartmentalizing his feelings. I tried to express to him that I can meet him where he wants logically but a big part of me feels hurt and unheard when my emotional needs aren’t acknowledged. In his mind he can’t acknowledge my emotional needs without feeling like he’s “coddling” me over something that should be obvious once he’s drawn out the objective reality. Once he said that my only response was “okay I can respect that. My husband would never say that to me though.” To me it’s not coddling, it’s basic human empathy and respect towards the other person’s experience.
It’s really a shame because I feel like we had and could have continued to have a beautiful relationship. But it seems like he’d rather be single and in control of his objective reality than having to drain his energy towards something he finds irrational (emotions that are arising even in the face of logic).
Some examples because I had a lot of people ask. These are pivotal examples that happened years ago where we still can’t see eye to eye. Please keep in mind that I unfortunately don’t have the best recall so these examples are going to be loosely stated just to highlight the points of the dynamic.
1. The seatbelt incident: we were in his car pulling out of a parking spot and about to exit the plaza we were in. I wanted him to put his seatbelt on before the car started moving, he argued that since there’s no preemptive danger moving 5 mph in a parking lot, there’s no difference whether he puts his seatbelt on when I asked or 5 seconds later. I was trying to express the principle that it makes me anxious (especially because at the time we had a few moments of me noticing he would forget his seatbelt). Basically I wanted to instill the habit of wearing your seatbelt before the car moves at all. From his perspective, he would’ve preferred if I said something like “you’re right I’m overreacting. It makes no difference whether or not you would’ve put the seatbelt on when I asked or 5 seconds after.”
2. The dogs at the pool incident: I was vacuuming with my AirPods in and he came over to tell me “there’s these dogs running around at the pool” and for some reason I said “there’s dogs in the pool?” (I have ADHD and sometimes I’m not fully present when I start to respond or when I’ve fully comprehended the situation I’m in, hence why I can resonate with his need to emphasize reality when my sense of reality is sometimes a little warped). And he stared at me blankly and proceeded to continue his story “there’s dogs running around the pool etc etc”. Shortly after, I approached him in the kitchen and said “hey that face you made at me (the blank stare), made me feel like I was stupid” or something along those lines. Basically I was trying to express how I felt in that moment and I wanted a response that validated my vulnerability and desire to set a boundary. That’s not what happened, he got pretty upset and to keep a long story short his argument was that he never “looked at me any type of way”, that the way I feel about how he looked at me was 100% on me and has little to do with him. He felt I was being accusatory and trying to say his actions hurt me but he was saying nothing about his action really warranted hurt because it was internalized projection from me. I misread his face and assumed he thought I was dumb even though he’s never ever even told me that or treated me like I was dumb.
I know this subreddit is for questions and advice and I’m kind of in a place where I believe we’re both within our rights to feel the way we feel about our relationship dynamics and all our ordeals. But since a question needs to be asked (for me not to get removed again) I guess I’ll ask: if you were him in this situation, or if you’ve ever been him, what would it take for you to meet me where I’m at?
⸻
TL;DR:
25F ended her engagement with 28M fiancé due to recurring conflict dynamics: he prioritized logic and “objective reality,” while she needed emotional validation during disagreements. He often saw her emotional reactions as irrational, believing logic should resolve her feelings. She tried to meet him logically but felt hurt when he couldn’t show empathy or patience in those moments. After their breakup, they had a deep talk that ironically brought clarity and potential solutions—but he admitted he couldn’t compromise on giving her emotional grace, seeing it as “coddling.” She realized that while he valued control and rationality, she needed basic empathy. Two examples (seatbelt habit and a misunderstood look) show how emotional needs were dismissed in favor of logic. She believes they both had valid perspectives, but wonders: if you relate to his mindset, what would it take for you to meet someone emotionally where they’re at?