Hi all,
A few months ago I posted something on r/Advice out of desperation. Although it didn’t gain much traction, it did help me align my thoughts with my actions.
For the last few mlnths this relationship had been absolutely horrific. I started keeping track of the arguments, their causes, and their resolutions (to the best of my ability), and, since march up until June (where I stopped keeping track) there had literally been 3/4 arguments a week, multiple all-day-long ones. Since I started going to work 5 days a week, and finding stuff to do by myself on weekends, this number dropped, but I had to run away from home to achieve this.
Last month I took the plunge and booked a separate room for August, and cancelled the lease on the current one. I told her in one of our arguments, and it resulted in an all day argument + begging for me to stay with her. I agreed to give it a week to decide as she literally has no one in her life, no money, no job, and nowhere to stay.
Well, it was longer than a week, but last week, whilst I was at work, she snooped on my tablet, something which I’ve always said it out of reach. She found that I had invited a girl from uni to drinking beers with my friends to celebrate graduation (we we a small class, and there’s like 3 girls, so I pictured it’d be a good idea to try to include everyone one last time before everyone leaves).
She really dididt like this, called it emotional cheating, and I told her via text to pack up and leave becaue I’m moving out today. To my surprise, she grabbed her essentials and left!
I had a friend help move all my stuff out, and I packed up her stuff and cleaned the space as best as I could so she wouldn’t have to stay longer than necessary if she comes back for her things.
I know she’s been back, or someone has, to “discretely” pick up her amazon packages, so at least I know she’s alive. She hasn’t been in the old room at all, and her stuff is still there after a week.
I don’t know whee she’s staying, but it has the potential to be somewhere where she’s been abused before. I also haven’t told anyone on her family about this (I dont have any means to contact them), and I’m sure she hasn’t either.
Context over.
TL;DR, here’s where the advice is needed.
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I’m sure in her head she’s teaching me a lesson on how invaluable she is, and is waiting for me to reach out to her begging to return. I strongly think she’ll have a potentially dangerous freakout when I don’t. How do I prepare for this?
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When should I check up to see if she’s fine? Should I? The only reason this relationship lasted as long as it did was because she was absolutely not fine, so it’s just my instinct to make sure she is.
All in all though, it’s only been a few days, but since day one I’m so relieved it’s over.
To all those in abusive relationships, remember you are not stuck, and you are not alone out there.
Here’s the things that I learnt, that I’d like to voice out for others in similar situations.
– Speaking about it with people in your life, something I didn’t do, will likely help you get out of there a lot faster. Get people to help you!
– There on’t be an easy end. It will always be violent, make you or the other person feel bad, cry, etc. Just be prepared to handle it, and keep to your plan.
– Even if they come from a history of abuse, you don’t have to put up with it! Maybe they’ll group you into the abusive people from their life, it doesn’t matter, you know your worth, what you and what you deserve.
Some red flags I learnt as well, these are more for self-reflection.
– She very explicitely requested thay I don’t speak about anything negative about the relationship with anyone, as it belongs only to us.
– She would ask me questions such as “Do you look at other girls”, “Have you ever looked at other girls” and “Would you ever in the future look at other girls” pretty much on a daily basis. This was driving me insane.
– She would never hang out with my friends, and the one time she did, she got in an argument with me because the girls were too highschoolish (gossip). It’s okay she didn’t know what they were talking about, she could’ve asked.
– She didn’t have anything going for her. I became the only thing in her life, and that was a mistake.
That’s it for today. Thanks!