To give this some perspective my sister in law (wife’s sister) had a bad car accident a few years ago which caused he to spiral. My wife forwent college, changed her job and even moved back into her parents to help take care of her. After hundreds of consulting and physical therapy sessions (most of which my wife brought her to and from) my sister in law is doing much much better. So much so she is happily married, has a good job, and recently gave birth to their first kid. We were supposed to hang out today, the plan was to do some fishing together, grill pizza and watch a baseball game. (They bail on us so much that we decided to not buy the ingredients until theyw ere here) And of course, something came up and what was supposed to be a fun day turned into “of you really want us to we could swing by and watch the end of the baseball game.” This is not a last minute thing either, this was planned over a week ago and all of the sudden it’s not a priority bc my brother inaw wants to golf and my sister inlaw wants to go get dinner with a friend. We don’t want to hold it over their head that we’ve been so helpful but it feels like they are almost saying “thanks for all the help now get out of our life” it’s gotten so bad other family members have noticed how it’s always and just us that are option B. We’ve approached them with this before and they apologize and recognize it but just keep doing it. Idk what to do anymore
Brother and sister in law constantly bail on us.
r/Advice
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You’ve been through a lot together, and I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to feel like you’re getting the short end of the stick after all the support you’ve given. It’s totally understandable to feel that way, especially when you had everything planned and were really looking forward to the day. Maybe it’s worth having another heart-to-heart with your sister-in-law and brother-in-law about how this is affecting you and your wife. Communication is key, and sometimes people don’t realize how their actions impact others. At the same time, it’s great to see your sister-in-law thriving after everything she’s been through! It’s tough to find that balance between being supportive and ensuring your own needs and feelings are acknowledged.
I personally don’t think it’s healthy to keep score like that.
She really got all that done in a few years? That is super impressive.
But I digress – I suggest you dial it down. And do you have kids? Life is different with kids.
So rather than plan a big elaborate day – that is so much to want to get done with new parents, maybe be more casual and come up with ideas that are more easily pivoted and your feelings won’t get as hurt.
I will be frank – your attitude is kind of immature. Mature people don’t tit-for-tat re obligations or say “other people notice too” – mature people see what others are available for and adjust accordingly.
A good tip for life is to not take personally if others need more unstructured time.
When you make plans with them, circle that day on your wall calendar and make a note. After a few cancellations, you can innocently say “I was writing something on my calendar and noticed that you cancelled on us the past 5 times we planned something with you. Are you really going to show up this time?”
If course they will assure you they will be there. If they cancel again, you sadly have to consider them as uncaring and you don’t need to bother inviting them to anything.
You know they don’t treat you well, bail on you last minute, so just stop planning things with them.
You can’t change others. They have shown you what kind of people they are. Just stop expecting, and you’ll be free from disappointment.
Do less…way less
Stop asking them and let them invite you.
I’d quit making plans with them. But you should not even bring up how you’ve helped the sil in the past. Are you saying they owe you friendship, and should spend time with you out of obligation? Do you really want people spending time with you only because they think they have to?
As others have said, you two need to stop making plans with them.
In their defense, having children changes everything. Before I had kids, I thought of myself as punctual and reliable. After, I realized that having small children makes you absurdly unreliable.
That said, then bailing on you to do things with other people makes it clear that they just don’t value you two. You need to adjust your relationship with them accordingly.
Hopefully, your wife helped her sister because she loved her and not as a way to make her sister hang out with her later in life. Invite them to things you’re already doing, knowing they won’t show. If they don’t, you were already expecting that. If they do show, awesome surprise. Either way, no sweat.
Since it’s your wife’s family, I would let her lead the conversation. Have a sit down or a phone call where she explains that she’s hurt and that it’s affecting her feelings about their relationship. I wouldn’t come to the table with stats and graphs, but maybe a few examples over a longer period of time. Just the biggest ones or the most hurtful ones, like if they bailed on birthday or holiday stuff. Then, let them know what boundaries you need to put in place for your own sanity and well-being. If they respect the boundaries and step up, great! If they don’t, then they’ve made a conscious choice that their relationship with you is not that important, at which point you and your wife have to decide if you’re willing to stay in a one-sided relationship with them.
That said, I’m someone who used to struggle with saying no and with scheduling things. I did stuff like that unwittingly and always felt super guilty. But I LEARNED. I learned I couldn’t trust my brain, and I needed repeated reminders, so I started keeping everything in my phone calendar. If it doesn’t go in the phone, it doesn’t happen. My friends, family, and even healthcare providers know this. Many of them remind me to put it in my phone “now before you forget.” And then repeated reminders (at 5 days, 2 days, and 1 day ahead as well as 2 and 1 hrs ahead) help me double-check for last-minute overlaps, mentally prepare, and physically prepare by buying things that might be necessary or gathering them if we’re going somewhere. There’s also the mental/emotional barriers… with a new baby, i canceled a lot more stuff because I REALLY wanted to go do things but when the day came up, I just never had the energy. Maybe open the door for that… “Hey, if you’re low energy today, we can just stay home, have lunch, and watch the game. That’s okay. We just want to spend time with you.” It sounds like they’re overbooking, but maybe it’s just excuses because they feel lame saying, “I’m just too tired.” In any case, my point is that how they’re handling the situation isn’t okay, and there are ways for them to improve it… if they choose. Once you’ve communicated, it’s up to them to step up and up to you and your wife to defend the boundaries.