I’m 31M, married, and my older brother (34M) has been out of work for awhile. He asked to crash in our spare room “for a couple months.” My wife is a firm no. We both work from home, and that room is an office, and honestly he’s struggled with motivation in the past. I get why she won’t budge, and I agree it would likely become indefinite.
He’s not a bad person, but he tends to assume family will catch him. If I say no, I’m worried my parents will guilt-trip us, and he’ll take it as betrayal. If I say yes, I’m pretty sure we’ll regret it.
I’d like to help in other ways (job apps, rides to interviews, small groceries, even a week in a motel), but not housing. I want to be clear, kind, and final.
What’s a good script for this? How do I make the boundary stick without being an ass? Also, any tips for handling the parental guilt campaign? I’d appreciate examples of what worked for you.
Comments
“That room is our home office and since we both work from home we can’t give it up, sorry.”
Honestly dude, u gotta stand your ground. Ur wife’s comfort nd peace of mind matter more than familial guilt trips rn. Maybe help him w/other stuff, but don’t let him move in. Be straight up nd let him know u got his back, but not in that way. Fam’s gonna talk regardless, might as well give ’em something worthy to talk bout! Good luck brotha, you got this. 💪🔥
Sorry you’re in this situation, but that isn’t really how it works – there’s not really a way to finesse people to feel a certain way about you with semantics.
Your interests are conflicting with your brother’s and most likely your parents. It happens, that’s life.
Here’s a good cheat code for life – tell people how it’s going to be. Leave as little room as possible for people to think it’s a negotiation.
Tell him what you’re available for and white knuckle through the storm is my advice, let go of needing to control anyone else’s reactions.
Simple as, “I can’t offer that, but I can do x, y, and z.”
If your parents feel so badly and will guilt trip YOU, perhaps it’s time they take your brother in and completely enable his laziness themselves. Stand your ground and keep your peace and working space at your home intact. You already know this….
“No.”
Things like this you always want to blame someone else, but someone that can’t have their mind changed.
It’s simple really,
“I’d really love to help our and if I could have would but we both work from home and we need the space, work gets a bit funny about us having people around when we’re working as a lot of the data we use day to day is private so we need private enclosed rooms. I can’t risk causing issues at our workplaces for obvious reasons.
That said I’m happy enough to lend a hand where I can, if you need a help with interviews or getting to a from for anything I will gladly give you a ride.”
This way if it comes back on you, it’s a simple answer. I’d love to help but work makes it impossible to do so in this manner.
Those are all good suggestions, helping to take him to interviews and assisting him in finding some good job postings. The thing is, you are going to get the guilt tripping from him and your family, but you just have to stay firm. Let him know that you don’t really have a spare bedroom because that is being used as your office for your remote jobs. If you already know this couple of months is going to turn into even longer, don’t do it. It sounds like he is super unmotivated and is totally fine with just living off of others, but as long as people enable him, he is going to just keep taking and taking. Why not have him live with your parents then? Just stand your ground because if you let him stay you will regret it and it will completely affect your relationship with your Wife.
He cant stay at your parents?
Backbone. Your post suggests that you’re intimidated by confrontation. What you require is the courage of your convictions. You know your brother and parents are going to walk all over you. The only way that doesn’t happen is if you are clear and direct. There is no management strategy for this kind of familial dysfunction. You need to put your foot down and be indifferent to the blowback. If people are manipulating you, cut them off. Doing so does not mean a permanent break. If your family does not treat you with the simple respect to which any adult is entitled then you must be prepared to deliver consequences.
No is a full sentence and as a husband you do not want to go against your wife. The end. Brother can and must figure it how to care for himself. He is an adult.
No can be used on parents. My kids have never had a problem with telling me no. And I them.
I’m sure your parents have a couch if nothing else…
“That won’t work for us. We work from home and the spare room is an office. I’ll be happy to help with resumes or give rides to job interviews.”
Tell your parents you will not be guilt tripped for not housing your brother. Say it is time for him to grow up and become a responsible adult and you’re not coddling him. He can live with them if he needs a home.
Adding another adult to a married household rarely is a good idea
You can’t say yes/ your wife said no. Do not throw your wife under the bus. Why are you so affair of a guilt trip from your parents! You are an adult with a home and wife. You need to get a spine if you want to keep your wife
Your older brother staying 2 months to indefinite …’
Your wife said No. in fact you stated ‘ My wife is a firm No’ , ‘ she won’t budge’
you have no extra room , it’s your work space . I’d lead with ‘ No, we don’t have the room .’
I always told my kids that “no” is a complete sentence. I still believe that. You don’t owe him or anyone else a reason. It makes for a softer landing FOR YOU to offer reasons, but you’re gonna get pushback from your brother and perhaps your parents regardless of the words you use. If your parents have a problem, they can offer him one of THEIR rooms. I like the idea of offering what you WOULD be willing to do. That’s very kind of you. You have a great heart! Now strengthen your backbone as it’s the right thing for you and your wife.
Don’t throw your Wife under the bus and make her the bad guy.
“After some thought, that room is our workspace, so we don’t have one spare and cannot house you. However I can do (…hotel, help with applications, groceries etc) for X dollars.”
If he pushes, debates you, hold firm. “I know you are in a hard place, but the answer is no. We need all of our rooms and do not have space for another person to live here for any length of time.” If he paints you as an asshole, you just have to be ok with him thinking that. It doesn’t change the facts.
If your parents guilt trip you, be the same brick wall. “We don’t have spare room to host him. I have offered XYZ to help. You guilt tripping me does not magically change the layout of my house, so let’s either change the subject or I’ll let you go for now.” Hang up, and keep repeating each time. They’ll get the message.
There is no script to change the minds of people who have already decided that you are the villain if you don’t do what they want. You have to accept this and make peace with them being upset with you. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Don’t get into the weeds of a debate. A firm and repetitive “No, that doesn’t work for us.”, “We can’t do that.” And disengaging if they keep pushing.
“We don’t have the space to house you even temporarily. I would be happy to help in other ways”
“Sorry, bro, we don’t have any extra space to accommodate you. Our ‘extra room’ is actually an office and we both work from home. I can help you with your resume or job searches if that would be helpful?”
If you let him move in, he could get tenants rights and you will never get rid of him.
If your parents give you a hard time, they can take him in.
Our office isn’t available, but I would like to help you in other ways like rides to interviews, review of apps, a week in a motel, and small groceries. Let me know what would help most.
Your parents can only guilt trip you if it works. Otherwise the manipulation cannot work. Recognize it for what it is. It’s manipulation to enable your parents enabling of your brother.
Your parents can catch him as long as they want to. You need to be clear with them that the behavior ends with them. You’re not taking over caretaking for An adult after they are infirm or gone.
Also – your wife is now your primary family. You are a team. Don’t say it is cause your wife does not want it. Just say no. That will not work for me and my household. End of story. You’re responsible for the boundaries with your family of origin and she for hers. Don’t put her in the position of dealing with their boundary issues and enabling issues.
Say no. You don’t have a spare bedroom. The end
“We don’t have the space.”
“Well, what about your extra bedroom?”
“It’s not an extra bedroom. It is our office, where we work, even sometimes on weekends.”
What spare room? It’s not a spare room whatsoever and you OP need to make that clear without involving your wife in any kind of way. Meaning that you say no and don’t make it seem like she is the one saying no.
Ps he would make your life miserable if he moved in.
Make it very clear. Keep to the subject. Don’t give an inch or even think about compromise because they’ll take a foot.
“Absolutely not. We both work from home and that’s our office. Not taking chances with our livelihood.”
Say no. Great boundary.
“Wife says No” Moving someone is a Two Yes and One No decision
Learning to say a firm NO and stick to it, without “negotiating” it into a loss, is a pretty important skill. Your wife apparently knows how. Likewise with fending off undeserved guilt.
If you say yes you’ll likely blow up your own marriage. My brother is like yours and everyone always bails him out, he’s currently in our grandmothers old home (she passed), with his wife and three kids and none of them are working. He’s being covered by everyone else because he’s never been made to hit rock bottom
There’s no room for him. End of statement.
There’s no room for discussion after that statement.
You’re being reasonable. Stick to your statement
You’re married now. Your wife is now your “family.” Everyone else is extended family. Family comes first. Extended family you visit on holidays and say hi to at the grocery store. Also, stop enabling him.
Your brother seems like he is not being considerate. If he was invited, that’s different thing, but it looks like he invited himself.
No is a complete answer. And she’s correct. I allowed an”friend” to stay for 2 weeks in for his temporary issue. 2 months later my house was trashed and my boyfriend had to escort him out.
How would you feel if it were her brother with the same reputation as your brother?
The answer is no. You do not have a spare room. Losing an office means losing a job. The answer is no.
Be firm, tell him absolutely not. Dont put your family in jepordy. It will only start problems in your marraige. Either she really doesnt want him there which is her right or if she were to cave, we’ve all seen Jerry Springer where wife ends up sleeping with guy who moved into the house as a temp guest even though she did not like him. Its better to err on side of caution. You could tell him the answer is no as it will cause friction in an otherwise comfortable home life.
You need to come to terms with the fact that any answer other than yes you can stay with me is going to cause problems. You both work from home you both need that space for work. No throwing your wife under the bus own that you can’t have him staying with you. “No you can’t stay with me” “I need that space to work”
No — NO is a full answer to the question of moving in… you’re married, your wife and you are the priority here.
If you insist on helping your unmotivated brother do it with assistance for a very basic and inexpensive apartment. The assistance only is available if he has a job and is for a limited period. Unless you want to wreck your marriage then allow him to stay with you forever.
Never help a person that won’t help themselves. You aren’t doing him any favors if you take him into your home.
You say no… why should your wife have to accept your brother for a couple of months in her space??? She doesn’t. If parents try and guilt you tell them you will help brother move into their home. They probably don’t want him any more than your wife does!
Love you, but we work from home and that room’s our office; I’ll help with apps, rides, or a week’s motel—housing’s off the table. Repeat to parents.
Tell your brother it would be a better plan for him to fall back on your parents for a place to live and they have already expressed a concern for him. (The boundary should be no one moves in that your wife is uncomfortable living with. It’s that easy. It’s her home too.)
Please don’t put it on your wife! Just say, “NO, this doesn’t work for US!
I made this mistake. Have been carrying my 40-yo brother for 5 years in the spare bedroom. He has no job, is ungrateful, and just treats us like we’re his roommates. Do NOT do it. You will regret it. Family fallout has happened either way because we chose to ignore the issue at hand with a bandaid, instead of dealing with it head-on.
Once he’s in he’ll never leave
He’s her brother in law
He’s from Arkansas
He’s the kind that’d rob Peter and write a bad check to Paul.
Just say no, that isn’t an option. If your parents want to take him in that’s their choice, but they don’t get to choose whether you do.
Exactly what your wife said.
“we don’t have a spare bedroom. That’s our office space since we work from home.”
Don’t apologize. If people try to escalate emotions, just keep your cool. Don’t respond to bait. If you’re worried about getting caught in that emotional/guilt feedback loop, make yourself wait an hour or two before answering any communications from them. Or wait until you have talked out your response with your wife. It sounds like she has a cool head on her shoulders. None of this is that urgent. Especially since your answer is no. If the matter is urgent, they need to not be wasting time talking to you.
As far as how to control the reactions of others (guilt from your parents, pressure from your brother, etc.) the short answer is you can’t. They are going to feel how they feel just like you feel the way you do about the situation. But that doesn’t change facts. You don’t have a spare bedroom. That’s the end of the conversation.
You could offer suggestions for your parents to take him in or foot the bill for him to get in an extended stay hotel. But ultimately it sounds like he could use this hard lesson and while it will be rough in the short term, you saying no now might be the gift of clarity he needs. Or at least part of the clarity he needs to get out of this drain spiral.
I had a similar situation where I did not want my wife’s brother to move in. I said I would rather help him financially, knowing I would never get paid back, then let him in because he was a POS.
That way you are “helping” but they aren’t in your household.
He didn’t take that well because, again, he would have to take care of himself, and he went no contact with us. But that helped my wife really see who he is and we are happy.
She’s smart, I let my BIL stay in our house for a few weeks that were a year.
Why can’t he move in with your parents? This should be an option for “brother”, in the homes of anyone who weighs in on this. It’s so easy to have an opinion, if you aren’t being affected.
“He’s struggled with motivation. He tends to assume family with catch him. “. That’s red flag for, he will crash in your spare room until you kick him out.
My advice is don’t blow up marriage trying to save your brother because your parents want to offload responsibility. If they want someone to save your brother, they can do it.
They are going to guilt trip you. You know they are going to guilt trip you. So let them guilt you, but stay firm.
>He asked to crash in our spare room[…]and that room is an office
You don’t have a spare room then. That’s the simple answer. If your parents guilt trip you, ask them when he can move in with them.
What spare room. It doesn’t seem like you have one
Your wife owns half your home and said no. That’s your answer. Don’t JADE
“I’m sorry but that is our work space. We can’t pay our bills if we have no place to work so we can’t provide that space to brother. This is not up for debate. If I’m being pressured I will mute whoever is doing it for the foreseeable future. I’m happy to offer (insert rides to interview, groceries) but that is the extent of what I can reasonably do”
Why can’t he move in with your parents?
Remember this is only half your house. Unless your wife is on board with this, it’s a deal breaker. But do NOT make your wife the bad guy in this to your family. That would make you a major dick.
Your brother is a grown-ass adult. He needs to handle his own shit. Give him the address for the local homeless shelter.
Your brother is 34. He can get work at McDonald’s, Home Depot or some similar place. Your parents seem to have raised him to be entitled. I assume they have a couch in their one bedroom abode. They can support him. Why are you worried about “family”? Anyone who doesn’t like it can have him move in. Offer to buy him a sleeping bag.
Is there a campground where he could set up a tent? Can you help him set up a PO box?
You support your wife first. If your parents want to help your brother, that’s their job not yours.
Grow a spine. Let your parents take him.
OP, there is no “nice” way to do this. Tell him and your parents the truth: that you only have a bedroom for you and your wife, and the spare room is yours and wife’s work office since you both work from home. There is no way he can move in with you, it’s impossible.
If your parents try to guilt-trip you into taking him in, tell them why they don’t take him back in? Your brother better figure his crap out.
Hi is 34, hasn’t worked “for awhile” and has no intention to work “for a couple of months”. Why should I be responsible for housing him, feeding him, and likely doing his laundry and picking up after him. He is 34, he is able bodied. Just because he doesn’t want to work, doesn’t mean I should turn my life upside down to enable his fantasy of being a bum. If we keep supporting him in this fantasy, he is never going to change. It is past time for tough love.
You can’t say yes because your wife already said no.
“My wife and I considered your request and I’m sorry but we use that room for work. We don’t think extended family living here would work. I’d rather help in another way that won’t create havoc and animosity.”
If you say yes, your wife will snap. He can stay with your parents, he is THEIR child.
You did not create this situation so it is not your problem to try to navigate. A polite decline with an offer to help in other ways is more than enough. Hit the ball firmly back into his court.
It’s not a spare room if it’s your office. That room is where you earn a living and you will not allow your brother to disrupt your careers. It’s not your problem that your brother won’t grow up.
“Brother I love you but I cannot enable you. You cannot live with me and my wife. Your current situation is due to your own inactions and you are not owed anything from my wife’s or my hardwork. There will not be any crashing for months in our office workspace or our couch. You need to get and keep a job and start supporting yourself. Worse comes to worse you are still in the age range to join the military for most branches. Some discipline might help you”
Also make sure you don’t throw your wife under the bus.
“No”
The room is being used and your wife doesn’t agree. Also, your brother’s “couple of months” would likely end your marriage as well.
Where are the other family members? And what ACTUAL reasonable plans does he have for gainful employment?
You seem more worried about enabling and people pleasing here. He’s an adult, he needs to work on HIS responsibilities
Say no. If your family gives you shit or treats you poorly because of it, then that’s their decision they actively made and they can deal with the consequences.
You are not obligated to let someone live in your house, regardless of who they are. If they feel so strongly about it, tell them to let him live in THEIR house.
“We don’t have a spare room.”
Say no. You don’t need to explain. But when others chime in, volunteer their homes.
You don’t HAVE a spare room. You both work from home. That is your OFFICE. You do not have the space for your brother. Period.
Say no. When the parents whine, tell them THEY can have their baby back. When the brother whines, tell him the answer isn’t changing. After the fist time, any whines result in you hanging up the phone, or walking away, or showing them out. Here’s the script:
No.
What spare room? You don’t have a spare room, you have an office that both of you utilize.
If anyone tries to guilt trip you, tell them they are welcome to take him into their home.
‘my parents will guilt-trip us, and he’ll take it as betrayal’ – Them viewing it this way is THEIR PROBLEM but you are making it yours. You already admitted ‘it would likely become indefinite’.
NO is a complete sentence. Say it once and don’t respond to anything else they say, send or tell anyone. You don’t owe them any explanation at all. They already KNOW WHY, they just don’t want it to be their problem, they want it to be your problem. If you take it on, that’s on you. Why can’t he live with your parents?? Block them for a while if you have to OP. This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
Mom and dad raised him, maybe mom and dad should take him in.
Idc if you had 3 spare bedrooms just taking up space, saying “no” to a whole other adult living with you is not being an ass.
Your wife likely understands that your brother’s failure to launch and general laziness will particularly impact her. He will feel entitled to the wife cooking, cleaning, being interrupted, etc. She could reasonably anticipate carrying his want for attention on her shoulders.
Your brother should live with his parents. He may not want to because they will have rules it will not support him as he wishes. Living with you will, he believes, be more freedom for him.
There really isn’t a way to do this. I do not see a scenario where you say no, hold your ground and not get guilt tripped. It’s an unfortunate sign of the times where people expect others, in this case family (you), should bear the weight of supporting them. Basically, your adult brother is not your responsibility and I think your gut feeling is correct; once your brother moves in, it will become an act of Congress to get him out. I find it frustrating how “family” will criticize other family members for not doing more to support when they are not willing to do anything themselves.
He needs to launch. No one should be helping this adult avoid launching. If people provide for him, he will be a permanent child.
> I’d appreciate examples of what worked for you
I left my country.
Do you want to remained married or do you want to live with & support your brother for the rest of your life?
You need to say no loudly & clearly to your brother & family. You absolutely do not in any way throw your wife under the bus.
What you do now will determine the future of your marriage.
My company’s policy for work from home is it must be in a separate office space and not in a bedroom or common area. The spare room must remain an office r I will be as jobless as you. Sorry I cannot give you a place to stay. Our parents feel very strongly that family so put family up when needed so I’m sure if you ask them they will offer you a bed or a couch.
You don’t have a spare room. It is an office that is used daily, just as any office is used to do business.
Yeah, unless you want your house to turn into a bachelor pad with you and your brother then no is the only correct answer. my wife and I’ve been married for 39 years. and after a couple years of marriage, we made a solemn decision that iour relatives. As they got older, parents siblings whatever there was no way in heck they were going to move into our house under any circumstances ever. We have plenty of house and have plenty of visitors come and stay in our guest rooms, but their visits are on a defined basis like hey we’re coming for a week perfect because we know that you have to be back for something else and you are not going to move in and live there.
Your family is now you and your wife and children. Your extended family is now the relatives. Your parents and those people you grew up with like your brother they have moved from being your direct family to your extended family. Your obligation has changed to your direct family and secondary to your extended family. The inconvenience or problems of your extended family can no longer take precedence over your new direct family. You can never forget that.
“That’s not possible. What we can do, however, is…. X,Y, and Z.”
Whatever you do, don’t sell out your wife as being a reason he can’t stay there.
Why is this story being posted again?
To relatives: “Putting Brother up, doesn’t work for us, so we aren’t doing it.”
In response to repeated questioning “Because it just doesn’t.”
You can expand that to “If you want to put him up, kudos. I won’t be.”
To him: “Putting you up, even for a brief period, doesn’t work for us, so we aren’t doing it.”
Repeat as necessary. Don’t give reasons.
“It doesn’t work for us, and we aren’t doing it.”
Another possibility- it’s a bit intense but is likely to work: “I am not putting him up because I don’t want to.” And when they say “that’s so selfish!” you respond “Nevertheless, I don’t want to, and I won’t.”
“Our spare room is actually our home office, so we can’t take you in, sorry. Also, you and I both know how ‘for a couple of months’ could turn out and I don’t think it’d be beneficial for either of us or for our relationship”.
You can omit the second part if you know he’ll take it badly, but IMO it’d be pointed out as a gentle nudge toward taking responsibility and action instead of using family ties as a safety blanket/net.
On the other hand you can be brutally honest with your parents, telling them loud and clear your home is not going to be your brother’s personal (free) B&B, much less so if he’s not taking proactive steps to get back on his feet.
They can guilt-trip you all they want… The answer is easy “you take him in if you think it’s the right thing to do”.
It’s easy being charitable and supportive on other people’s dime!
Tell him to go home to your parents. You have no room for him in your home, not even for a short period of time.
Tell him exactly what you said above (rides to interviews, a few groceries) but don’t offer him any type of money for a motel. See if you can find resources for places like the YMCA or The Salvation Army for places to stay.
At 34, unless he got sick and was unable to work, sounds to me like a ne’er do well who would be better off learning the hard way about responsibility. Your parents home is the best place for him.
With this type of a situation, don’t JADE
JUSTIFY
ARGUE
DEFEND
EXPLAIN
Simplify state, “our office is not available for use” and when you’re asked “why” reply with “because I said no, I don’t owe you an explanation”. Any time you JADE you just give them ammunition to try and brow-beat you into submission. And just keep repeating “because I said no, this isn’t up for discussion. Now how about that sports team?”
And just change the subject. You’re gong to cause drama no matter answer you give. Just keep it simple to “our office is not available”
If you feed a stray. They will keep coming back.
My parents tried to guilt trip me to give my brother 20k for his new house. I said no and they ended up doing it. Almost broke the family apart honestly, but the crazy thing for me, my brother didn’t even know about it.
I wouldn’t say we don’t have the room because he will say he can sleep on the couch. You are going to have to tell him you just can’t do it. Your problems will begin with your wife if you don’t stand up now.
You don’t need a script. You need a spine. “No” is a perfectly good answer.
This is his problem to solve not yours. Your wife is your #1. Don’t risk your relationship for someone who needs to land on his face or he will never change. Stop the cycle
Your ideas to help are good. You actually don’t have a”spare” room. It’s an office space. Your wife is within her rights not to want someone in her private space. You seem to feel guilty that you are expecting your brother to act like an adult when he is on the edge of being middle aged without having a backup plan to feed and house himself.
Tell him “ No. That doesn’t work for my family.” Period. Never defend or argue your decision, it makes you look weak.
It appears you need two scripts. One for your brother and one for your parents or family members who will pass judgement.
Brother: I’m not going to open my home to you, but I am willing to help you in these ways. (Provide your list)
Parents/others: my home office is not available as a spare bedroom, and I’ve let brother know I won’t be opening my home to him but can help him with A, B, C. I’m sorry you disagree with the way I am living my life.
Explain to everyone your spare room is the office and your/her work has parts that are confidential. You can’t just set up elsewhere or have a person roaming around the house while you both work.
As for your parents I’d just ask why they don’t take him in.
“That’s not a spare room, that’s our workplace, and we both need it for our jobs. We wouldn’t be paying for that room if it wasn’t a necessity for work.”
>If I say no, I’m worried my parents will guilt-trip us…
Tell your parents to take him.
You seem to be confused. You don’t have a spare room. You have an office that you and your wife both use to work from home. That room remaining an office is vital to the two of you retaining your income.
“We talked about it, and it’s simply not possible. We don’t have a spare room to offer.” If your parents say anything respond with “thanks, I’ll let him know you’re offering to let him live with you.” If necessary, add that you’ll immediately get him a plane/train ticket to get to them.
Want to stay married or live with your brother?
It should not be your wife said no. Tell your brother we’ve decided this is not a good idea with emphasis on we. Otherwise your wife will become the bitch in the family. As for your parents and their impending guilt trip? Tell them maybe if they had done a better job rearing him he’d be able to stand on his own two feet. This is not your problem.
You don’t have a spare room.
It’s not a spare room, it’s the office you both use for employment. I have an office as well – so instead of 3 bedrooms, I have 2 and 1 of those is a frequently used guest room – for people I have invited.
Unfortunately drama is going to happen no matter what you do. Just be prepared to stand your ground and don’t back down. I also wouldn’t throw your wife under the bus. Just tell your family the situation and they choose to create drama that is on them. People who are manipulative and controlling will create drama no matter how you tiptoe around it. If you and your wife have kids in the future it’s important you teach your family the boundaries you and your wife have with them. Trust me, it doesn’t end will if you cater to your family over your wife. She will respect you more for standing up to your family and choosing her over them. You can’t stop drama from happening but you can control how you react to it. At times, you will have to go low contact with them until they get over their drama and they will eventually respect your decisions. You’ll be thankful later down the road standing up to them now. Good luck!
When you get married and have a home, you get to make adult decisions regarding that home. You wife has said no, you have said no, but you come to Reddit to ask what? How to say it?? Let me help you with that………”no you can’t move in”. Guilt trips can only happen when you feel guilty. Don’t let your familial insecurity screw up the harmony in your home.
“No you cannot live with me. I’m able to help by gifting $XX of groceries each week and I’ll keep an eye out for jobs that you can apply to.”
Don’t drive him to job interviews unless you or someone else is willing to drive him to that job.
For parental guilt tripping you can say you’re willing to do A and B but that you will not house him. He can live with your parents or elsewhere.
No means no. If your parents are so concerned, let them take him in. It’s YOUR fucking house.
Say what you mean, hold to your boundaries. Respect your wife and marriage.
If your family can be blown up because you don’t want to house your unemployed OLDER brother indefinitely,it might be better to let it blow up. ANY relationship where you can’t be honest or you live in fear of what will happen if you say no,is an unhealthy one & that goes for business,romantic and especially familial relationships.
>If I say no, I’m worried my parents will guilt-trip us
So? Then they can let him crash with them. Always turn guilt trips back on the people “why is it my responsibility to catch him when he is your child?”. Just stand firm. Do not negotiate.
When they ask why “I’ve said no, this isn’t a negotiation and I will not change my mind.” If they start to guilt trip you just say “He is your son, you catch him, my family can’t. This isn’t up for debate. If you want to continue to guilt trip me, then we will not have contact till you can sincerely apologize.”
I suspect your family has always relied on you, you might even be the scapegoat and your brother the golden child. Start setting your spine to titanium and stand firm.
Your wife said no, it’s a no but don’t use her as a means to not take the heat. You take the heat because they are your family.
>he’ll take it as betrayal
So what if he does? Oh no, you betrayed him when he is older than you and can’t get his life together? My sister is 3 years older than me and I was always bailing her out.
She used to throw in my face when she let me live with her. I did all the chores, paid all the bills and babysat for her and had no life as a result. I was her slave.
I finally stood up to her. She cut contact, then tried to come back to see if she could get more out of me. I was just an ATM to her.
Have some self respect and learn to say no. Learn how to not set yourself on fire to keep others warm around you.
I honestly think the “help” you want to give him is just enabling. So, you pay these things for a month and then stop. They will just guilt trip you after that. You are just delaying the inevitable. Also, if you pay with a credit card, then you are on the hook for what your brother does in that space. Since you are married, that impacts your wife. That’s not fair to anyone.
No is a complete sentence and requires no explanation. If your parents have a problem with you declining, suggest they can take him in.
“I’m sorry, man. We both work from home and just don’t have the space for you to move in. I can spot you a couple days in a motel, but that’s it.” (He’ll take advantage of whatever you offer, so low-ball it.)
Mom & Dad guilt you? They’re welcome to insist he move back home or to pay his rent.
Let your parents take him. Homeoffice is not a spare bedroom, but place of work. If he ever moved in with you, only with a contract. Limited time of stay, houserules, rent,lots of chores. And a clear feeling he has to emotions the Homeoffice every day for work Hours plus 30 min extra . This is mit his Home and not his marriage and there could easily be a divorce in your future if you invite a leech in your family. Make no mistake, if your wife is not your closest family your brother will break you up.
I think a good rule of thumb is that when a married couple make a big decision they both need to agree.
Stand firm. You already know that getting him employed and out of your home will be an ordeal. You wife is not in agreement with this. She comes first, now and always. Let your parents deal with the son they created. This is not your responsibility.
She’s your wife & priority. Listen to her. Help him by all means, in other ways.
NO is NO. You CANNOT control other people opinions and actions. But you can control how you respond to them. You are married to your wife, not your family.
TL;DR: Your wife’s right to protect your home and work space, and you need a clear script to offer alternative help without caving to family pressure. You’re in a tough spot, but honestly? Your wife’s being smart here. When someone “struggles with motivation” and assumes family will always catch them, temporary help rarely stays temporary. You already know this would drag on indefinitely. Here’s what’s worked for me: “Hey [brother’s name], I can’t offer our spare room since we both work from home and need that office space. But I want to help you get back on your feet – I can help with job applications, give you rides to interviews, or even cover a week at a motel while you figure things out. What would be most helpful?” Keep it warm but matter-of-fact. Don’t over-explain or apologize – that just opens the door to negotiation. For the parents, try: “We’ve found other ways to support him that work better for our situation.” Then redirect: “We’re helping with [specific thing you’re doing] – what else do you think would help…
Deeper lens: it may be a shadow part asking to be heard kindly.
Time for your parents to step up or you move out and get a place with your brother.
You do not blame or put this on your wife.
Script – “We both work from home. Or room is not a spare room but rather an office. I can not allow brother to move in for us and that is not open for discussion.” End of discussion and script. Do not need to justify it further.
Your older brother is an adult and needs to take care of himself vs “crashing” and relying on others to support him. Your parents can let him stay with them if they complain.
If you want to set a specific monthly budget to provide to your brother make sure that is an agreement with your wife. And then stick to that allowance or budget for a specific set time. Ask your parents to match it with a specific monetary contribution.
You need to realize yourself that you are were not responsible for your brother’s habits and laziness. It may be hard overall but set some firm boundaries.
“We don’t have a spare room, that is our office that we need. We don’t have the space for you to move in but if you need help with job applications, rides to interviews or a top up on essentials, just let me know.”
Have your parents take him in. They created this monster.
A simple No. You say the spare room is an office. It’s not a spare room then, it’s an office. You cannot have him move in your work space
Hard effing no, your wife is right and that should be the end of the conversation. Your brother is an adult and so are your parents.
Well whatever you do don’t throw your wife under the bus. Don’t say she is a firm no. You say you don’t have the room and you both work from home and it would be to disruptive. You say the same to your parents. Stand firm and don’t discuss it further.
Here’s my advice. Put your marriage first and tell your brother “No”. And don’t blame your wife. Say “ I don’t think it’s a good idea”. Done
You’ll have to stay with mom and dad. I’ll help you with the other logistics like rides to interviews and other things that you might need. Our livelihood depends on our work environment at home so it’s not viable to take in a guest.
Tell your parents to deal with him. You don’t have a choice but to stand your ground and say no.
Why can’t your parents step up, they’re the ones who failed at raising him.
Tell him “you” decided not best for your family life. Don’t blame your wife.
Why don’t your parents put him up at their house?
Say something like this… hey, we simply don’t have the space. We both work from home and need our office. We love you so let us help with some other things like your job apps, rides, groceries and we can book you a motel for a week to give you time to find another place to stay.
Do exactly what you said here “bro that room isn’t a spare room. It’s our office, we work in that room and it’s not available to be set up as a guest space. I can do XYZ to help you with looking for places or job searching resources. “
Reframe.
You do not have a spare room. You have a working office that is in active use.
tell your parents that their son needs help and it’s up to them to provide it
“my older brother (34M) has been out of work for awhile”
Define “for awhile”
Help in other ways
We can’t,we’ve no room,that’s it,don’t elaborate,if they push,just repeat,
I was in a somewhat similar situation a long time ago. I was in a no-win situation – piss off my wife or piss off my brother. I chose to piss off my brother. My brother got over it and we’re close today. My wife was happy I stood by her.
Start by changing your wording. Your wife didn’t say no, but you both decided it’s a no.
Why doesn’t he crash at your parents if they’re so concerned? Once he’s in, it’ll be hell trying to get him to leave. Don’t open that door.
“No. That doesn’t work for us. I would love to help in other ways like …”
That’s all you need to say. No justification, no defense, no explanations. Just a simple no, repeated as necessary. Anyone else who has an opinion needs to keep it to themselves, including your parents. “That’s between me and brother. Please don’t bring it up again.”