I (22F) am currently out of town for my older brother’s (28M) wedding—which is happening today. He’s marrying a woman he’s been dating for about 10 months, and they only decided to get married last month. It all happened really fast.
Since he lives across the country, the only way we really hang out is by playing video games together. It’s something we’ve done for as long as I can remember—me, him, and our younger brother (19M). It’s not like we play constantly or all night; just a couple hours here and there, nothing crazy. It’s always been our way of staying connected.
His now-wife has made it really clear that she hates video games. From early on, she told him she didn’t like him playing, and eventually told him she didn’t want him playing with us at all. He tried to compromise, and for a little while, she “allowed” some limited gaming. But last night, the night before his wedding, he told me that she’s officially put her foot down—no more games. At all. She told him they’re a waste of time and he should be using that time to “do more for himself.”
I didn’t know what to say. He already knows how I feel, how we feel—our younger brother and I. But it’s clear that this is her boundary, and because it’s his fiancée (now wife), there’s not really space for us to say anything without it seeming like we’re being unsupportive. And I want to be supportive. I want to be happy for him today.
But what really gets me is how much he’s given up for her already. It’s like he’s constantly adjusting, compromising, bending to fit into her life—and she refuses to give him anything back. She won’t even let him have this—a couple hours here and there with his siblings doing something we’ve always done.
I’m sad that it feels like we’re losing our brother to someone who doesn’t seem to value the connection we have. And sad that it feels like there’s no room for us anymore unless we change or just quietly back away. I don’t want to make this day about me. I really don’t. I want to be happy for him. But it hurts more than I thought it would, especially since he only told us last night.
I don’t know.
Update with info (didn’t expect so many comments):
To cover it now, I haven’t gotten to speak with him yet. I intend on calling him soon. They have gotten married as of this afternoon. People are saying I may be leaving out some info, and I will say I found this out last night and needed to get it out— so, I may have left some context aside.
1. He is not hooked on videos games. He is very responsible with time spent on the computer and only played with us 1-2 times a week a couple hours at a time. Usually Tues/ Wed and he made sure to call us once she was in bed as she goes to bed far earlier. Outside of that he played with his friends every so often— but this would also affect how much time we had.
2. I said he’s changing a lot for her and she’s not giving anything in return- I mean he has changed jobs, changed his wardrobe, stopped learning a language he loves, etc.. and the two things he asks she won’t give, one is some gaming time with us.
3. I saw someone mention that our opinion shouldn’t matter in this. If this was a decision they mutually made, Ill support. It may hurt, but I will get over it if he feels that’s what’s best for his relationship. But being that it’s something she’s forcing at that originally allowed on limited terms makes no sense to me. At that he limits the time and we [our younger brother and I] make sure we never interfere with their plans.
I’m struggling with how to bring this up to him without adding to the stress and frustration he’s already feeling. I’m not trying to make things harder—I just hope we can find some kind of compromise that works for everyone. If it ends up being a ‘it is what it is’ situation, then so be it. But if there’s a way to meet in the middle, I’d really love that. After all, she’s my SIL now. I will try to update if this goes anywhere. Nonetheless we will never stop supporting him, he is our brother and we love him. The door is always open for him.