I (22F) am currently out of town for my older brother’s (28M) wedding—which is happening today. He’s marrying a woman he’s been dating for about 10 months, and they only decided to get married last month. It all happened really fast.
Since he lives across the country, the only way we really hang out is by playing video games together. It’s something we’ve done for as long as I can remember—me, him, and our younger brother (19M). It’s not like we play constantly or all night; just a couple hours here and there, nothing crazy. It’s always been our way of staying connected.
His now-wife has made it really clear that she hates video games. From early on, she told him she didn’t like him playing, and eventually told him she didn’t want him playing with us at all. He tried to compromise, and for a little while, she “allowed” some limited gaming. But last night, the night before his wedding, he told me that she’s officially put her foot down—no more games. At all. She told him they’re a waste of time and he should be using that time to “do more for himself.”
I didn’t know what to say. He already knows how I feel, how we feel—our younger brother and I. But it’s clear that this is her boundary, and because it’s his fiancée (now wife), there’s not really space for us to say anything without it seeming like we’re being unsupportive. And I want to be supportive. I want to be happy for him today.
But what really gets me is how much he’s given up for her already. It’s like he’s constantly adjusting, compromising, bending to fit into her life—and she refuses to give him anything back. She won’t even let him have this—a couple hours here and there with his siblings doing something we’ve always done.
I’m sad that it feels like we’re losing our brother to someone who doesn’t seem to value the connection we have. And sad that it feels like there’s no room for us anymore unless we change or just quietly back away. I don’t want to make this day about me. I really don’t. I want to be happy for him. But it hurts more than I thought it would, especially since he only told us last night.
I don’t know.
Update with info (didn’t expect so many comments):
To cover it now, I haven’t gotten to speak with him yet. I intend on calling him soon. They have gotten married as of this afternoon. People are saying I may be leaving out some info, and I will say I found this out last night and needed to get it out— so, I may have left some context aside.
1. He is not hooked on videos games. He is very responsible with time spent on the computer and only played with us 1-2 times a week a couple hours at a time. Usually Tues/ Wed and he made sure to call us once she was in bed as she goes to bed far earlier. Outside of that he played with his friends every so often— but this would also affect how much time we had.
2. I said he’s changing a lot for her and she’s not giving anything in return- I mean he has changed jobs, changed his wardrobe, stopped learning a language he loves, etc.. and the two things he asks she won’t give, one is some gaming time with us.
3. I saw someone mention that our opinion shouldn’t matter in this. If this was a decision they mutually made, Ill support. It may hurt, but I will get over it if he feels that’s what’s best for his relationship. But being that it’s something she’s forcing at that originally allowed on limited terms makes no sense to me. At that he limits the time and we [our younger brother and I] make sure we never interfere with their plans.
I’m struggling with how to bring this up to him without adding to the stress and frustration he’s already feeling. I’m not trying to make things harder—I just hope we can find some kind of compromise that works for everyone. If it ends up being a ‘it is what it is’ situation, then so be it. But if there’s a way to meet in the middle, I’d really love that. After all, she’s my SIL now. I will try to update if this goes anywhere. Nonetheless we will never stop supporting him, he is our brother and we love him. The door is always open for him.
Comments
He needs to put his foot down and keep playing. Nothing bad is gonna come from some game time with the bros. Marriage is all about compromise.
Well he’s likely in for becoming a “meak” man and/or an unhappy life lol. In general I hate the trope “happy wife happy life”. How about, we’re both happy? It isn’t common someone has to bend their life over so much for one person and everything to remain fine. Most especially when all the stuff wasn’t anything crazy or absurd anyway
Controlling behaviour isn’t a “boundary”… a boundary is drawing a line around something that affects you personally.
Dictating how someone spends some of their free time is controlling behaviour. This doesn’t end well.
Firstly, I think its very weird and controlling behavior to police your partner’s hobbies to this degree. That’s not a good look.
However, I do think this is more about losing your one sure-fire connection/route to communication with your older brother and less about the games themselves.
Propose an alternative. A group face time or Skype call at the time you’d normally play games. Group watch a movie or something along those lines. Start a book club, what have you. If his wife continues to shut down his ability to hang out with you and your younger brother, even without the games, this is the indication that the problem is much larger and far more concerning.
Please, don’t let go of your brother without a fight, but you may just have to let the specfic activity of video games with him go. If you make the fight about games than your brother will have a harder time seeing the bigger picture (that she may be purposefully isolating him from his family/support network).
I’m sorry. This is so sad. He obviously played games with y’all when they met etc. I hope he can come back to you as your brother but you may need to make peace with the fact that he’s going to be under her spell 😞
He won’t know this mistake till it’s to late lol 10 months
I don’t know their relationship but this isn’t healthy. It won’t be healthy if this continues. I don’t know what to say but your brother needs to decide if this is what he wants. He should have reflected on this before the marriage. Is he happy?
But if she won’t let him play video games, can you play board games over FaceTimeml?
You don’t date a gamer and tell him not to game. He isn’t neglecting anything in his life so there’s no reason to attack his hobby. If you’ve already stated how ya feel about it, just keep an open door policy so he knows you’ll be there when he smartens up.
So the isolation begins.
There is nothing much you could do, he knows his wife is a controlling person but chooses to marry her anyway, that’s the path he chose.
If you truly loves your brother, be there when he choose to open up. I don’t foresee a happy marriage.
I give them 5 years before the inevitable divorce
Find another way to keep low key contact with him. If this is her way to control his contact with his family this will be the way she choses to do it.
Just be there for him when they get divorced.
Give it 2 years…your freshly divorced brother will be up for some gaming.
All I can say is I see very unhappy marriage or a divorce coming geez.
This is almost as big a warning flag as getting married on a Tuesday. Tell your brother to run for the hills!
My wife loves that I have hobbies. If you actually love someone, you love everything about them.
You are losing him, she’s isolating him. I really can’t recall a 10 month date to marriage pipeline that’s gone safely for anyone.
If anything I would start scheduling weekly FaceTimes with either both of you or you and him/him and younger brother. If she starts having a problem with these you can know it’s isolation, if these are fine then she really does just despise a game for some reason.
Give your condolences and tell him to reach out if he ever gets online
Sounds like he needs to tell her to fuck right the heck off!
I dated a girl who tried to control me like this. Tried to mold me into what she envisioned and it wasn’t healthy for my mental health. Eventually you will be trying to please someone who will never be happy with what you bring to the table, while she sits high on her pedestal. Needless to say we broke up and I found someone who accepts me and appreciates what I do for our family. She gave me confidence that I had lost in my previous relationship. She doesn’t play games, but she understands why I play games. Hell she’ll handle business under the table while I am gaming, if you get what I mean 😉
On that note, I am still healing from the mental abuse. Still have trouble opening up to my wife now. I am always thinking I am doing something wrong by playing games, even though she tells me its ok.
He needs to get some confidence to compromise or else he will be a shell of his former self.
Never told anyone this because you know how Men don’t talk about their feelings.
but You should feel loved and wanted by your SO. And that your hobbies are YOUR hobbies, it is what defines you. I assume she spends a ton of time on social media which is just brain rot. At least you are working on reflexes and critical thinking all while sharing fun and memorable moments with your friends.
Anyways good luck to your buddy.
Would love to give her a piece of my mind, but not my place.
A similar situation happened to a friend of mine. But not with videogames as he never played them that much.
His gf started prohibiting him from doing the things he liked, and started to make him fit in in her life more and more to the point he looks like an accessory of hers rather than a boyfriend. His social accounts have been scraped, the only thing he posts is a story here and there when his gf posts pictures of them together. When you hang out with him he has two main topics, his job and his girlfriend, no hobbies, no passions, just those two topics.
It’s sad to see it happen, and i’ve seen how many friends he lost to this situation. It’s hard to talk to him, because he’s been emptied and replaced with his gf’s personality. Most of the time he complains to me and adds “but that’s part of being in a relationship, girlfriends, am i right?” And i always reply by saying that no, i have no idea what he’s talking about and have never experienced it. He’s always stunned by this and he tries to change subject almost immediately.
Sad to see and i’m sorry to say that i don’t think there’s much you can do without damaging your relationships with your brother. He’s in a controlling relationship, and as per usual it begins with being distanced from friends/hobbies.
Being supportive is great but if it means dishonesty then you are most likely creeping into enabling.
Personally, I have lost almost all of my connection to my brother and sister, mostly by their choice. It breaks my heart. I couldn’t imagine not speaking up.
That’s just my 2 cents, but I feel like if you just shut up and accept it that you will really regret it later.
My go to line would be. “I’d rather be home playing video games instead of in the streets drinking or doing drugs”.
I’m guessing she want his whole attention while he’s at home which is understandable if they want to watch a movie or something but it would be suffering to give all your free time to make someone happy. Does she not have any hobbies of her own? I doubt this relationship will last 5 years.
I know that this term gets thrown around on the reddits quite a bit but, sounds like your brother’s wife is a covert female narcissist with the isolating and manipulative behavior.
Look into it if interested granted I’m just an internet stranger with the bird’s eye view of a limited view painted in a short post so take it with a grain of salt.
Some women just suck as wives and have to control every single aspect of their relationship. They might last but I doubt it based on how controlling she is
It’s never too late to speak up. The last thing you want is your brother stuck in a miserable relationship with someone who controls everything he does. Been there and it’s miserable, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone
Who has a wedding on a Tuesday? Damn, OP. She sounds like she’s going to be a pain in his ass for the foreseeable future. Tell your brother to grow a pair and tell her that having a partner who is a casual gamer ain’t the hell she’s acting like it is. Everyone deserves a chance to unwind, and this will drive a wedge between y’all and him. Hope he sees the error in his ways. Where’s the wedding? I’ll crash it and object.
Unfortunate that he’s already married. This is not okay at all.
Arbitrarily limiting someone ELSE’s hobby because YOU don’t personally like it is absurd.
Just be there for him when the divorce happens.
That’s insane. When I first met my bf, we both played video games. He played with his brother and his cousins. It was a thing they had together. I made Sure he had time to play with them. After we moved in together, that was the only time they really had together. So we set up both TVs, side by side, he would play his game and I’d play mine. We were together. And he still got to play with his people. It wasn’t really a compromise, we both played different games anyway.
But that’s how it should be. You don’t take shit away from your partner, you always support their hobbies and to be their own person.
little bro is about to learn a painful life lesson… hopefully it comes before kids
You can 100% call people out for their bad behavior even if they are married to your family. Your bother needs help. Help him
Your brother will get a divorce or be exceptionally miserable with this woman.
Updateme
How does him playing video games affect her? It doesn’t, so it’s not a boundary. She sounds really controlling
Yikes.im 31 and game with my 23 year old brother all the time, and sometimes with our 35 year old bro.
So, who thinks this will be a long and happy marriage?
OP, I’ve played video games since I was a kid
Now I’m a Mom who plays video games and shows my kids the zoo I made in games like.. planet zoo. Totally kid friendly. They love it. Then they also hear me scream and laugh my fool head off with my best friends on discord as we play anything and everything. It’s more than just “gaming” and anyone who’s spent any time playing because that’s how you connect with people, we get it. People who don’t, don’t.
Sorry this person is enacting horrible amounts of control on your brother. It doesn’t sound like he neglects his life or responsibilities to play games so there shouldn’t be a reason to bar it, especially under the guise of it being “to better himself”. That’s a projection on her part.
This is the first step in isolating him from his support network.
I think you need to get your brother outta there ASAP. First it’s the video games and then it’ll be more and more shit he enjoys.
Seems like she is a control freak.
Make sure you keep in contact with your brother. Never stop communicating.
Your new SIL is a control freak. Must have a magic 🐱
Get him to say to her: “we need to start saving for plane tickets so i can go see my siblings 8 times a year.” She will let him start playing games with u again.
But the real issue is her controlling behavior. Its not like u guys play for hours every night.
Your bro should ask his wife the following:
do you want me spending time playing games with my family, OR, would you like for me to make friendships/have sex with strange women outside of our home? I will be happy to comply with the NO GAMING rule if you’re okay with me stepping out on you. If you think controlling and separating me from my family is cool, then you should be cool with me making strange new female friends.
Send him the DV checklist. You and your siblings should also fill them out based on your observations of their relationship.
Updateme
It’s not about the videogames.
If he was spending time doing any other hobby, she would be complaining about that.
Your brother has walked into an abusive marriage and doesn’t seem to realise it yet. She has already successfully isolated him. You and your family need to find a way to stay in contact with him, set up regular zoom calls, set up a family Whatsapp group, regular visits irl,…
I wouldn’t be surprised if she got pregnant asap….
I feel like there is context missing here.
If my gf said no more video games I’d probably just break up, but she’s not a controlling asshole.
This is the behaviour of an abuser. Your brother is marrying an abuser. Sadly, directly speaking about that will not go well. You have to wait this out. Meet your brother in a non-judgemental way and if he’s telling you about things like that make supportive comments that acknowledge her behaviour is out of line. You can say “that sounds very controlling. It doesn’t seem very loving to cut off your partner’s favourite activities.” A lot of men don’t really know they can be abuse victims and what abusive women are like. It’s generally less likely to be violence. More likely to be something like this, which is about isolating him from his outside supports and possible financial abuse. She is going to put him in an echo chamber and gradually turn up the heat.
I REALLY hope they don’t have kids. Abusers will use children for leverage in awful ways.
ETA, try to avoid directly criticizing her. If that gets back to her, she will double down on keeping you away from him. I’m dealing with this in my own family and I’m very sorry for you all. The short courtship is also typical. They can only be on their best behaviour for so long. It’s tiring for them, so they eventually go for locking things down so the real them can come out. I’m a woman who has been in a relationship of this sort (with a man) but I think men just don’t get educated to watch for this. Lisa LeBlanc on YouTube has a channel dedicated to helping men in these situations.
He needs to “ban” her from wearing makeup, see how long she lasts if at all.
Make sure to post the update for when the divorce happens. Things seem to move quick with them, I’m sure you won’t have to wait long.
WOW, 10 months? And she is already showing abusive tendencies? She is already isolating him from people, and he’s fine with that? Isolating him isn’t a boundary, it’s abuse. I would say don’t let this stop you. But malicious compliance it. Maybe all of you FaceTime a few times a week to play board games hahaha. You will have to move each other’s pieces, but it would be funny to see the look on her face! Or face time anything really! A book club, crocheting(that one would be hilarious), gardening, etc. Just because she is being a hag about video games doesn’t mean there aren’t OTHER ways to spend time together. And if she throws a tantrum, he can innocently say “but you wanted me to start doing things for myself instead of playing video games, I don’t understand why you are upset ” And if your brother won’t do it, well, he has made his choice, unfortunately. And no way in hell anyone would take my video games away from me. I only also play a few hours a week, but it helps my GAD when it’s heightened.
Poor guy. One day he’s going to wake up and realize he has nothing left but to do for her (or else) and he’ll be miserable
Dudes in for years of misery, infinitely more so when they have a kid. Hopefully she doesn’t ruin his life by then but regardless this dude is about to make a mistake that’s gonna affect the rest of his life.
She is not his mom. He is not a child. He needs to put his foot down that this is his life to live not here.
Putting your foot down is reserved for something serious like an alcoholic needing to stop drinking.
It’s not for doing something fun that brings him joy and lets him connect with his siblings.
This woman sucks.
Sounds like he needs a new wife.
Your brother is making a YUGE mistake. Seriously, if she can’t let him unwind doing his own thing especially when it’s with his family she is going to try to control every aspect of his life. Won’t be long and he won’t be allowed to talk to family anymore and she’ll turn him against you. I’ve seen women like this. They ruin lives.
He’ll be back in about two years at the most.
Banning him from video games isn’t a boundary especially when that’s his way of communicating with family.
That is control and abuse. She’s isolating him from his family. If video games are not keeping him from working or contributing to the household, she has no right to tell him he can’t play. Telling a partner they aren’t allowed to do something is a red flag.
You and your brother need to talk to him before he gets married sgd just tell him that compromise is one thing but one partner controlling the other is something else.
She sees it as gaming.
You all see it as spending time together as family.
Has anyone explained it that way to her?
If you haven’t, you should.
If you have, and she’s not listening, then I would agree with others on the thread.
I’m wondering if there is a way to get her involved too. The new Switch 2 is going to have sharing capabilities with video, maybe playing a game with her like a Mario Party would help her understand that it’s not just playing together it’s seeing each other and connecting.
My 3 kids have similar age differences, at 11, 7 and 2; 2 boys and a girl as well. I’m so sad for you that this is what’s happening. My recommendation for the two of them would be marriage counseling, but he’s not asking. So for you, don’t loose that connection with your younger brother, and when your older brother can participate let him.
I feel bad for him, sounds like he isn’t going to have a happy marriage
Hold your brother accountable. Let him know that he is responsible for his actions, decisions, and the relationship he has with you guys. Don’t blame it on his wife. That’ll only encourage him to hide behind her instead of taking responsibility for himself. The sooner that he realizes that he is responsible for everything he does, perhaps, he’ll be more likely to stand up for himself.
Talk to him see if you can get him to stop the wedding or object to it. Save your brother
Well she sounds like a lovely person, I expect he will have a happy future with her…. 🤔
He needs to bag the wedding. She s a controlling hag that is not good for anyone. Tell her you disagree with a selfish bag
10 months, rushing marriage, controlling his behaviour, cutting family out.
Healthy!
Not helpful advice but if it were my brother I’d start a D&D campaign because it’s not a video game just for some malicious compliance
Red flag!!
If she didn’t want a man that played video games then she shouldn’t have dated a man that played video games. You can be a responsible adult and a gamer. Unfortunately the irresponsible schmucks that play video games and nothing else ruin it for everyone else.
Although she sounds super controlling. Hopefully he’ll see the light one day.
She is abusive. She. Is. Abusive. This behavior isolates him from his support network
Please, don’t let her do this to him
Set up zoom calls
Controlling behavior, quick wedding, incompatibility between the partners.
This sounds like misery.
You don’t have to be supportive of someone who’s controlling him. Tell him to get away from her.
It sounds like the chit my ex wife did. It’s not going to be a fun experience for any of you. But remember your brother will deal with her crap 24/7.
Concerning boundaries, it seems like your brother isn’t establishing his at all.
Things like, “I game with my siblings who I have a lifelong relationship with and I don’t need permission.”
Ot “I’m uncomfortable with that level of control from my life partner.”
He’s on a trajectory for codependency and abuse.
Go full hollywood and kidnap him before the wedding.
But seriously…he’s making the mistake of a lifetime if he marries her.
He’ll be divorced within 18 months. Just wait it out.
Your brother is acting like a spineless wuss. Send him links to YouTube videos that teach people assertiveness skills. His marriage may not last. His self-esteem will improve, allowing him to find a good person to marry.
Update me when the divorce is finalized
Reason #42296 I will never get married
Sounds like the final boss of the wedding is harder than any video game boss he’s faced before.
You need to tell your brother the hard truth.
a 10 month relationship where the dude is constantly compromising on what makes him happy and rushing into marriage as fast as possible.
You’ll be gaming with your newly divorced brother again in a year if that. He doesn’t know the half of what he’s in for. Rookie mistake but the crazy bitches always move fast.
This is ridiculous. My husband plays games. I rarely do, but I read all the time and I watch trashy TV. Those are things I do for myself and my husband would never tell me not to, anymore than I would tell him not to play games. These are hobbies for us, they don’t interfere with our jobs or our households so who cares?
I personally don’t care for video games but I think this is just a way for her to isolate him from you and your other siblings. Maybe you could organize a weekly or monthly video call to take the place of those evil video games. If she still objects then that’s hard evidence she just doesn’t like you all.
He needs to put his foot down and stand up for himself
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship
He’s made his choice. It’s a bad one but there is nothing you can do.
Next, she will limit his time with your family in favor of hers. When kids come, things will get even worse. She is slowly sucking the life out of him but he won’t know it for awhile.
Do what you can to be there when he falls, and fall he will.
I’ve got to be that guy and say it- your brother and his wife aren’t going to make it. I’m currently divorcing someone who I made substantial sacrifices for like your brother has with little return. It may take months, even years, for him to realize that she’s being controlling. I don’t believe in telling any grown adult what they can and can’t do in the first place. If she can’t handle him playing for a couple of hours out of the week, they’re going to have bigger problems than video games. The best thing you can do is find another way to stay connected with your brother and be there for him throughout this relationship. You don’t want your brother to push you away, so try to voice your concerns when the dust settles.
Yeah that marriage isn’t gonna last, and she’s hurtling down an abusive controlling path. He won’t leave till he’s ready
But in the mean time maybe you guys could video call and do some sort of activity through the call.
If his wife puts a stop to that too then you’ve got to gently tell him what his wife is doing is controlling and abusive by deliberately isolating him form his support network/family and say you’re here for him when he’s ready.
My dad had a talk about this recently with in regards to somewhat of a similar situation. This is the tldr of what I will tell you which you should relay to your brother. Any decision that affects a partner form of connection between family can’t stand. Your brother must put HIS foot down and set limits in regards to what his wife can decide. Not to mention its a hobby of his used to connect with you guys. That marriage is destined to fail if he doesnt stamp his authority NOW. Video games waste of time? A lot of successful people play video games regularly not to mention he isnt even wasting his time as hes relating to you guys.
Next wedding gift idea: a gaming console with two controllers, one for him and one for her. It’s about compromise, right? 😉
There’s nothing you can do. Hopefully he wakes up before he has kids with her. Probably not. He’s lost to you.
This sounds like the basis for a happy relationship
Wow. That is shitty of her. My nephew and his friends who live in other states play together online the same way. Not overboard, but once and awhile for a few hours. He’s making a mistake getting married to this woman.
I can already see a divorce in the near future for them with this kind of behavior.
I mean, I’d be super petty and suggest having him back seat game for you two, on speakerphone of course.
Anyway, I found this eye opening about abuse. I hope it helps others. https://ibb.co/d2crwtV
My best friend had a partner who was exactly like your future sister-in-law. She also told him video games were a waste of time and, since we were friends who lived a long distance apart and socialized through games, it nearly killed our long-term friendship. She wanted him to be a different person other than who he was and he was so desperate to be with her that he twisted himself into a pretzel to conform to her sense of an ideal man. He was a constant failure to her no matter how hard he tried nor how much he did. The same thing happened with his next relationship.
You may want to blame his fiancée, but this really comes down to him not setting boundaries or having a clear sense of self. He’s the one who has to assert himself rather than be bullied in the relationship. The only reason for him to capitulate is that he feels insecure about himself and who he is/what he does or he feels that he needs to be in a relationship so desperately that he is willing to forfeit other relationships and his sense of self in order to be with her.
The person you need to talk to is your brother because he is ultimately the one who is making a choice. If you’re “losing” him, it is because he’s willing to let you go rather than have a difficult conversation/argument with his future wife. You need to hold him accountable rather than vilify her. This is the conversation I had with my best friend and he changed after that. I told him it all was on him, not her.
OP you’ve expressed your heartfelt feelings so well here – perhaps consider showing your brother this thread and let him read the responses. He should really think twice before committing to such a controlling person.
This is only step one in her sucking the joy out of his life.
“More for himself” means “more for her”.
I have friend in the same situation. Here’s how it’s gone. In 2018 I made the mistake of introducing two of my closest friends to each other. They both had the same crappy taste in music and figured they’d get along. They ended up dating after a few weeks and we’re engaged after 8 months. I was very against it. It had become clear that this was a toxic relationship that needed to end. Everything got worse when they married. She became a monster I didn’t recognize as my friend. She wouldn’t even let my buddy hold his mom’s hand at his dad’s funeral. They had to start marriage counseling within the first year or marriage to try to deal with her behavior. Now, the guy in this relationship is part of a 4 person friend group that has been together since we were kids. We all live everywhere now and so we keep up with each other by playing video games on Saturday mornings. Our buddy wasn’t allowed to play video games with us because his now wife didn’t like our other 2 friends and treated our game sessions like some sort of betrayal. There’s so much more to the full story, but eventually it came down to, “let me play video games with my friends or I’m divorcing you.” I wish they had just gotten divorced, but at least now we have our friend back in the group. Problem now is they’re pregnant and I know this means we won’t have him join us anymore after the baby arrives. Your brother should know that it will only get worse unless he puts his own foot down and creates his own own boundaries. The relationship shouldn’t have happened, but now that it is what it is, the only solution is divorce or grow a spine. And for the love of God, don’t let him get her pregnant!
Controlling behaviour isn’t a “boundary”… a boundary is drawing a line around something that affects you personally.
Talk to your brother. Tell him that you want to keep this connection. Tell him that you are concerned about this demand and it appears to be controlling behavior.
Ultimately he must decide. Don’t let him make that decision before you talk to him.
Hi marriage isn’t going to last.
Getting married isn’t a license to control a spouse. She doesn’t get to allow or disallow behavior that isn’t hers. This is the first red flag.
Second red flag is that you feel you need to be “supportive” of this behavior. She is now controlling your behavior by proxy even outside of the marriage. You have all the space in the world to speak up. He is your brother as much as he is her husband. Let him decide what to prioritize. Take it from someone who experienced a similar situation… it will not go in your favor for you to remain silent. That simply allows poor behavior from the wife to continue, and likely get worse. You support him by being honest and straightforward. If you can say it on reddit to complete strangers, you can say it to your brother.
> But it’s clear that this is her boundary, and because it’s his fiancée (now wife), there’s not really space for us to say anything without it seeming like we’re being unsupportive.
This isn’t a boundary. This is controlling, abusive behavior.
A boundary is an ‘I’ statement that requires zero action or change on the part of any other person.
“I will not marry somebody that plays video games” is a boundary, as it’s a statement of what she will do, and gives him information to make his own choices.
“You don’t get to play video games anymore” isn’t a boundary.
> But what really gets me is how much he’s given up for her already. It’s like he’s constantly adjusting, compromising, bending to fit into her life—and she refuses to give him anything back. She won’t even let him have this—a couple hours here and there with his siblings doing something we’ve always done.
Yes, this is what abuse looks like, though I will point out that
Try to hold space for him so that you can support him when he realizes he’s being abused, and needs help getting out. This relationship is going to flame out spectacularly.
Going from ‘hi my name is’ to ‘I do’ in ten months is shady as fuck, despite it sometimes working out.
He’ll probably be divorced in less than 4 years. Marriages like that rarely last.
That is messed up, and the best way to support your brother is to let him know it’s messed up and why.
I married someone like this. At first it was fine when dating. When I got married and moved in she flipped the script and would start fighting with me if I played. Turned out everything was a fight. My life was miserable. Gaming for me was a hobby. Something to have fun and relax. In the end I hated life.
Let your brother know he will be miserable and its not worth it.
How many hours of TV does she watch every day?
She’s not his mom wtf she sounds so controlling
I’m wondering (but I’m not on the now-wife’s side).
OP says:
> …just a couple hours here and there…
BUT…
How much time overall does big bro spend gaming? Let’s say OP’s game time is Sunday evening. But, what’s big bro’s gaming time Monday thru Saturday?
Enormous red flag. Outlawing hanging out with friends in recreational behaviors ends in divorce or hatred.
Anyone who pushes to get married within 10-12 months of dating is a huge red flag. She’s not in love with him, she’s in love with the idea of being married and having kids with someone she can bend to her will.
Unfortunately it’s not going to end well for your brother. She will isolate him from all of you and beat him down until he’s a shell of who he used to be. This is what this particular brand of toxic individual does. I’m sorry for your loss
There’s a good chance you’ll get him back after the divorce. The kind of control you describe isn’t sustainable, and when bad things inevitably happen she’ll believe the problem is a lack of control on her part or blame him and get even worse and eventually he’ll break. I would say make an effort to keep in touch though – maybe group calls with your other brother since she’s trying to pin the issue on “video games” being bad or something. There’s a possibility she’s trying something more insidious and is actually aiming to cut him off from family and support systems, which is a pretty classic abusive behavior. Don’t let that happen.
Wedding comes closer and she starts being more controlling, imagine what shes gonna do when they’re married
imagine being so desperate to be married that you agree to this shit
Woof. I don’t imagine them staying together long if this is how it’s already going. Idk why partners think they have the authority to stop other people from enjoying their hobbies and families. Jesus.
It sucks but unfortunately this is his mistake to make hopefully he sees the light before any kids come.
Damn tell him to stand up for himself.
Why are people like this, taking the joy out of life.
What does he even see in her
He should just carry on playing games, what is she going to do about it really lol.
Your brother needs to develop a backbone and stop being a doormat. That being said though what type of person gives ultimatum on hobbies during free time? Insane, lady is a bullet if I’ve ever heard of one.
I can only see this ending in a very miserable life and divorce.
Games are entertainment that keep us distracted and busy so we don’t get stressed out. It is literally healthy to game for at least a couple hours a day.
That’s not a boundary, that’s her being controlling.
A boundary is “I can’t marry/date someone who plays video games”, then if you have a partner who plays video games, you just don’t marry/date them. You don’t coerce them into submission of what you want, that’s controlling and abusive.
This isn’t a boundary, this is control. She’s basically isolating him from his family by justifying it as a boundary
If he thinks she’s controlling now, wait until they’re married.
He’s probably going to be put on a budget and she’ll control all the money.
Don’t worry op, I don’t see this marriage lasting very long
She says he should ditch the video games and do something for himself instead….uh, playing games with you and your brother is doing something for himself.
I dunno, man. Being “bothered” by someone’s hobby (of which they participate in at a healthy level, not like the dude is sitting and playing WoW for 36 straight hours like some people I used to know) is pretty lame and as others have stated, that doesn’t work as a boundary. I think some folks be getting shit mixed up when it comes to how boundaries work and they just like to use that term so they don’t come off like they’re being controlling.
What the heck?
Your brother is doing sobering for himself, maintaining his relationship with his siblings. This is not acceptable, and I’d throw hands if my partner tried doing this to me.
It’d be one thing if it was affecting his work/wife/etc. But it’s not.
Have they scheduled the divorce yet?
Just wait it out, it’ll work itself out haha
She wants to alienate him. She’s controlling him, and he’s letting her. Maybe due to low self-esteem on his part of whatever but he needs to stop being a wet noodle and stand up for himself. Marriage is a 2-way street, and he needs to have his own thing, too. It’s not all about her.
Your brother is cooked.
What a controlling bitch. I’m sure she does plenty of time wasting shit too and this probably doesn’t really have anything to do with the gaming itself. Also, getting married after knowing someone only a few months seems crazy and sus. Hey, could you guys like, chat over TEAMs or Discord. Maybe play something like Jackbox with him and say it’s not a video game. Either way man, I’m sorry this is happening.
Find a good divorce lawyer for him and give him that recommendation for when he is ready.
Also start giving him articles about spousal abuse and controlling behavior.
Id skip the wedding along with rest of the siblings and uninvite his spouse to all family gatherings. Under a new rule no abusers allowed.
A woman of 10 months can’t hold any claim of seniority over priority of those he’s had for 22 and 19 YEARS and are bound by blood. People keep in touch in various ways and video games really is the best way these days I love it
That relationship isn’t likely to last; few people will put up with being ‘controlled’ today. It cuts out too much of Life, as you’ve noticed.
No one that genuinely loves you makes you give up your hobbies.
Damn on the day of Oblivion Remaster also
Divorce otw at some point lol. Also, to each their own but getting married after 10months is insane to me. You’re still learning about each other in that time frame.
Today it’s no video gaming, tomorrow he becomes an ATM, without voice or emotion.
I see divorce in there future.
Set his “boundary” as no tik tok / instagram. Its a waste of time and she should be using that time to “do more for herself.”
That marriage won’t last.
This does not sound good for your brother’s future relationship. Mandates are rarely positive for a couple. Especially stupid ones like this.
Hey, so tell your brother to grow some balls, hope that helps.
Oh. Yeah, this won’t last. Imagine if we just cut all fun and socializing from life and only worked on pursuits that “made more of ourselves”. Why live long, then? Just to work? He is only allowed to habe fun with her?
Red flag. They’re allowed to play in moderation lol
Tell your brother get an annulment because things are only going to get worse.
If the wedding is tomorrow it is not too late to talk some sense into him.
Or reframe the time spent playing video games as “family time”. You shouldn’t have to give up a simple way of staying close just because his finance is jealous of the time you spend together. Talk with him tonight and tell him up until the paperwork is signed it is not too late.
OP, it’s possible your SIL is trying to isolate your brother. I’d be very concerned if I were you.
Welp this marriage is fucked lol
As a female who likes playing video games, I feel really bad for him. Playing video games is one of the many things males enjoy doing, and her not allowing him to play at all means she wants his attention 24/7. Please tell him if he’s not feeling happy, divorce her ASAP before he has kids with her. But yeah, getting married that fast was a horrible idea. Plus, I’ve never heard of a wife ” allowing ” her husband to play video games, like that’s a grown man, not a kid.
Im sorry for your brother.
Tell him that this isnt just making him play less, but is also cutting a bond with his brothers.
Usually toxic people do that. I hope he turns out ok.
They won’t last long with that kind of attitude from her. That’s far too controlling. If she can’t understand why it’s important to him, if she can’t let this one thing be, then she doesn’t really love him. She just wants a puppet.
If you don’t have one already then start a group chat just for y’all. This relationship is not good for him, but you don’t need to try and make him see it he will just fight you. Make sure you try to keep in touch over text and support him no matter what. And eventually he will most likely want to leave her and he’s gonna need support then and someone to tell him not to stay for kids if there is any bc it’s not gonna be a healthy place for them either.