Apologies for the long post in advance, but I think giving some of my context will help. I am 40, single, child free, and work as a high school teacher. I am medicated for ADHD, I see my therapist every two weeks, I exercise regularly, I eat as well as I can (it’s complicated and food advice will most likely be disregarded), I socialize regularly, I drink water, I do all the things I should be doing (the eating notwithstanding).
I’ve been in acute burnout for about a year, and chronic burnout since about 2019 (not that I recognized it at the time). I left a very stressful and toxic relationship (that ended when he had major emergency brain surgery and then haf an emotional affair), started and finished grad school, moved countries, had a serious health issue that almost killed me, and have basically had to remake my life from the ground up. If you would have asked me at the time, I would have said I was fine. I was not. I’m really bad at recognizing when I’m not doing well. And as my therapist and I have been working through some of the issues around my eating disorder, we are finding again and again that my eating disorder, ADHD, and burnout are very tangled.
She tasked me with identifying the symptoms of burnout at different levels, so we could be more aware of where I was and how things were changing.
So me being me, I decided to separate the levels of burnout into three categories: healthy, teetering on the edge and putting my toes into burnout, sunk by burnout. I also decided to create a list of all of the things that help me feel better and replenish me (both the self-soothing and self-care side of things). I then ranked them because not all things are equal.
Things in each category (Not a complete list):
– Level 1: petting dogs, reading books, good cheese, making things, little indulgences, new stories, out of the blue phone calls, getting coffee
– level 2: D&D nights, board games, cookies, new things to think about, my patio swing, new experiences, Lego, getting mail, exercise
– level 3: drunk calls, Northern lights, having a clean apartment, being excited, the sauna, good food, time with friends
– level 4: good meals with friends, gifts, laughing till I can’t breathe, good conversations, having tea made for me,
– level 5: feeling loved/ appreciated/ heard/ understood, affection, having meals made specifically for me, being able to be excited without a mask
My problem is that while I have lots of things in the level 1 and 2 category, with the exception of having a clean apartment, everything in level three, four, five is reliant on someone else. And I’m not expecting one person to cover all of this, I do not expect that at all! But my question is, what else can I do to add to those levels of things that legitimately will help me get out of burnout? I’m already doing the basics like drinking more water, trying to sleep more, exercising regularly, taking things off my plate, but none of those things are filling my cup, they’re just slowing down it getting worse.
All of the most important things for me are connection-based, I think part of the reason I am having such a hard time actually getting out of burnout is that I frequently don’t have those things. And I don’t want all of the things that have the most oomph to be dependent on someone else.
What has been on your level three, four and fives? I’m at a complete loss, and I’d be really appreciative of any suggestions.
Thank you!
Edit: I think I worded things above wrong. I love having connection and meals with friends and feeling loved and appreciated, and there’s nothing wrong with those, I’m just looking for things that don’t rely on others that I can do for myself to help to the same level. So that when people are busy, or there’s stuff going on, that I have things I can use that replenish me the same amount as those. I’m not trying to replace them, I’m trying to add to them.
Comments
Can you share more about what makes it difficult for you to access the levels that rely on connection with others? Do you have a hard time reaching out to others when you’re feeling burned out? Is there a part of you that really values self-reliance and has a hard time asking for help?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the things that really fill your cup being dependent on others. I think that’s actually just part of being human for most people.
As a single, neuro-spicy lady in her 40’s, I feel you girl.
I’ve done dialectal behavioural therapy a couple times, and one of the things we had to work on was mindfulness, and I’m no guru or anything, but I have found appreciating the things on my levels 1,2 and 3 really help pop them into the 4 or 5 category.
Something else I’ll do when I’m feeling really drained is have a spontaneous “me day”. I got sober last year so these days no longer involve any chemicals to unwind but I’ll call out sick from work, spend the morning with my dog and eating treats, maybe do something creative or enjoy something creative, make myself a healthy lunch (or my favourite lunch of the week) and then have a nap or an epson salt bath in the afternoon, take my dog out for his after supper walk and then light some candles and read my book after supper and go to bed early. Maybe it sounds lame, but sobriety seems to have really made me appreciate that I can do these things for myself.
Sometimes I’ll also give myself a “slouch day” where I don’t cook or clean and I just watch junk tv and or play video games for the day. On a slouch day the only responsible thing I do is look after my dog. Unless something is coming up over and over and stopping me from enjoying my frivolous day. Then I’ll do it so my brain stops nagging me.
Not sure any of this will resonate with you, but maybe you’ll pick out a thing or two you can add to your list. Being burnt out sucks and can cause some issues with cognitive function if you can’t get the rest you need, so good on you for reaching out for support. I’d also add there’s nothing wrong with needing other people, and if you were one of my friends who needed to fill their cup I hope you would feel free to call me! I’d probably love to go for a good meal and tell funny stories or have deep chats.
Ooh I really really feel this. I have ADHD as well and struggle with chronic burnout. I recently kind of flamed out in my career and had to hit the reset button which honestly has helped. But I love the way you’ve mapped out these different coping strategies based on level.
I can relate to you in that I also live alone and there is nothing that helps me quite as much as spending quality time with people I love. I will say… my dog is a good substitute for that. But obviously he also comes with stress and responsibility too haha.
I guess one question I have for you is… is your current career sustainable for you? I’m actually a former teacher and have many teacher friends. I know it comes with a great deal of stress. I also know it can be very fulfilling in many ways. But if your burnout is at a level where regular self care and treating yourself well can’t keep it at bay… I wonder if something else in your life needs to change? I know that may be a daunting (and perhaps not currently feasible) proposition but i wonder if it’s worth considering. Only because for me personally it’s the only thing that’s truly helped.
Hey I really relate. I have been really emotionally malnourished for several years because of lack of four and five. Despite lots of sustained effort for years at making and deepening friendships… Friendships are not a big priority for most people in our age range.
One thing I’ve been doing lately is quitting talk therapy (not helpful or nourishing for me) and trying out other things that feel more nourishing/have a care element. In other words: pay for care.
For me this is acupuncture/TCM sessions and massage sessions. I’m also interested in reiki per suggestion of my former talk therapist.
Haircuts, manicures, etc are also forms of care and touch you can buy.
“Sensual massage” is the search term if you’re interested in sex work, which could also be very nourishing with the right practioner.
As an extrovert, I definitely need connection to fill my cup. So I would probably challenge the premise of the question..what’s so bad about needing other people? What if you just built habits and priorities around this? We are deeply social creatures and there is nothing wrong with craving company. Also I appreciate your list concept – very thoughtful and insightful!
I’m almost 40 and have a 4.5 year old. I’m also a single, working mom. I think I achieve 3,4,5 regularly and it DOES fill my cup.
The thing that struck me in your post (so beautifully written, btw) is that you ask about one person providing this.
You can be a person who provides this? My house is a gathering place. I cook a lot and my friends love my kid. They ease the “burden” by just being pals. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with anyone taking the lead?
BrainHQ games really help me get a grip on my executive dysfunction. 🙂
Honestly, I don’t think anything replaces human connection. Humans are built to mostly be reliant on each other, though some people are exceptions.
I’m very extroverted. Pandemic lockdown plunged me into the worst mental health of my life. I found a friend on Bumble BFF willing to do Friday night movie and sushi night (order in) with me during that time and that’s how I pulled out of it.
People tried to suggest other things (hobbies, books), but nothing else compares.
I’d look for more ways to have connection. That’s probably the best bet for you.
You are very thoughtful and organized.
My levels 3-5 include treating myself to luxuries like a nice sandwich and coffee even if I could eat at home, being in nature, completing a challenging hike, and consuming book, movies, or TV that make me feel really seen and understood.
You seem to not want to rely on other people, but what if your level 3-5 still included people, but differently? For example, finding a comedian you love and consuming their work, going to a group fitness class, walking to a cafe in a busy neighborhood with other people out and enjoying a book in a setting with the buzz of other people. I suggest this because it relies on other people being present but not to do anything specific. I find I get energy from existing in environments that have positive energy, even if I’m passively there.