My boyfriend (30M) and I (29F) have been together for almost 4 years, and I truly love him. He’s a good person, grounded, kind in many ways, and we’ve built something meaningful. But one part of our relationship is really hurting me, and I’m starting to feel like I can’t ignore it anymore, THE LACK OF AFFECTION. When we first got together, he was more affectionate, hugging me often, cuddling, initiating physical closeness. Over time, that side of him faded. Now it feels like everything is left up to me. If I don’t reach for a hug, we won’t hug. If I don’t cuddle him at night, he just turns away. If I don’t bring up sex or initiate it, it rarely happens.
I’ve noticed a pattern, most of the times he’s been affectionate it’s because he’s horny, and while I do appreciate those moments of closeness, it’s hard not to feel like it’s only ever on his terms. I’ve talked to him about how much this is affecting me, I told him I feel emotionally disconnected, like I’m starving for affection but his replies are usually something like, “It’s never enough for you” or “Every couple is different.”And honestly, I’m so tired of constantly begging for affection. It’s embarrassing, it’s frustrating, and it’s exhausting. No one wants to feel like they have to ask over and over again just to be held, to feel wanted, or to be close to someone they love. I shouldn’t have to ask for the bare minimum and yet, here I am, repeatedly doing just that.
My previous partners were affectionate, not just physically, but emotionally too. They made me feel loved with both words and actions. So even though my boyfriend tells me he loves me, I don’t feel it, and that disconnect has started to really affect me. For me, love is something I need to feel and experience not just hear. It’s painful to feel this kind of loneliness inside a committed relationship. I see other couples being naturally affectionate, playful, and emotionally warm, and it makes me wonder why my relationship can’t be like that. Why doesn’t he want to reach for me? Why does it feel like I’m always chasing something that should come naturally?
I’m scared that if this continues, I’ll start to resent him. I love him, but I can also feel myself slowly shutting down emotionally and physicall. I don’t want to spend my life feeling unloved by someone I love so deeply. I’m trying to figure out if this is something that can realistically change, or if we’re just not compatible on this level. I don’t want to walk away, but I also don’t want to keep living in emotional limbo.
Has anyone else been through this? Have you found ways to work through it or did it end up being a dealbreaker? I’d appreciate any honest advice or experiences from either side of this dynamic.
TL;DR:
I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (30M) for 4 years. I love him, but I’m always the one initiating affection, cuddles, and sex. He’s only affectionate when he’s horny, and when I bring it up, he says “it’s never enough.” I feel emotionally and physically neglected, and constantly begging for affection is exhausting and painful. I’m scared I’ll start resenting him, and I don’t know if this is something we can work through or if we’re just not compatible.