I (39 M) and my fiance (40F) have a fiery passionate but somewhat toxic relationship. We seriously love each other so much but when it comes to our actual day-to-day life don’t have much in common. I’m one of those kind of people who likes to be very engaged in conversation and if I’m hanging out with people, I’ll turn off my phone. While on the other hand, if we’re at home watching a movie, she will be on her phone talking to other friends and playing games. I prefer to go to bed early. She prefers to stay up all night. I don’t drink at all while she drinks every day. You couldn’t have more of a night and day when it comes to our lifestyle and how we approach things. So the question I’m asking is is love enough to make a relationship work. If everything else seems to be opposite I would love to hear people’s opinions.
Can a relationship work if the only thing you have in common is loving each other .
r/Advice
Comments
It’s important to have similarities and differences. Imo if you were identical you wouldn’t have much to bring to conversations. If things are too different then it’s also hard to have good conversations or compatibilities
u/hatestoshare
All a working relationship is, is two people who are emotionally attached to each other who have a desire to stay together and understand/help each other through life. This idea that you and your partner should be very similar to each other is a modern construct. Some things, like moral/ethical stances, politics, and thoughts on having vs not having children, matter. The things you mentioned are things that people often have no issues over. If they are issues, theyre also things people spend time finding compromises for.
I honestly have a pet theory that the type of difference you mentioned make a relationship more solid (with the exception of drinking every day maybe) because the differences inspire curiosity or create safe issues to disagree about then resolve.
It could work if it wasn’t toxic. It’s ok to be different. It’s not ok to be toxic.
Not being able to value someone’s time as their sitting right next to you is unacceptable to me like why are you even here kinda feeling
I have been in relationships where all we had in common was our “love” for each other and while the relationships did last for years, they weren’t particularly happy in the long run. Over the years it can feel very lonely when two people lack compatibility, and I usually ended up being the person who did all the accommodating.
I put love in quotes above because I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older that what I felt in those previous relationships was limerence and the sunk costs fallacy.
You need more than love to make relationship work
Im not reading this because I can confirm from the headline alone…
No! Just having love is not enough!!
You have to have good communication, respect, out in the same amount of effort and prioritise each other and your relationship over other people (where appropriate – which is still 90% of the time).
You need to be on the same page about how you will pay bills, how you will manage money, dividing up the chores for the house, how you’ll raise kids (if you’re going to have any), religion and politics.
You need to have symbiosis.
So no love is absolutely the farthest possible thing from enough, on its own, to have a healthy non-toxic relationship.
ETA: now I have read the rest and realise you’re talking about common hobbies and interests.
Having the same interests is absolutely NOT a requirement. You do however need to respect your partners interest in hobbies (as they need to respect yours). My hubby and I have like 2 interests in common and they often clash.
So we do parallel play. We’re not doing the same task/hobby/activity etc, but we do it in the same space. We share our lil joys and frustrations about the thing we’re doing with each other and support when the other needs it.
Again, symbiosis.
No. Love is the bare minimum, not all you need.
As a general rule, the more you mismatch on little and big issues, the more likely those mismatches will evolve into arguments and problems. And then your relationship ends.
No
Do you feel supported?
Do you feel loved?
Do you feel seen/heard?
Is she a good friend?
Is she your best friend?
As a recent recipient to the answer to that question (that exact question I asked her) no, love isn’t enough when your personality dynamics are opposed like that and the deepest reason for your partnerships your love for each other. It was proven to me very intimately and concisely that my love for her and what that means to me was not enough for her to justify continuing to remained committed to me and our relationship.
No, it’s not enough, are at least it wasn’t enough in my situation
No
I think as long as y’all can live happily and work through issues then your relationship is fine. You both can still do stuff the other enjoys. I think relationships can rely on love or on having things in common. If you have both love and common interests then it’s is even better. Me and my husband have everything in common, but the love isn’t there. More like coexisting and friendship, it’s what works for us. If love and passion works for y’all then that is great. There isn’t one way to have a relationship and there is no right way.
Depends on what the toxic part is. As far as being opposites goes as long as your core values line up and you are both willing to compromise to do things the other person likes then yeah the relationship can work. It won’t be the easiest relationship, but if you feel it is worth it then it can be done
I wouldn’t be marrying someone when I simultaneously describe the relationship as toxic.
Love and a moral compass on the same course can do wonders. My husband and I have been married 21 years, and we are night and day from a large age gap to the fact he’s a vegetarian and I’m not, he’s a programmer and science nerd while I’m an artist who loves history. I go to bed early-he stays up late, I love the beach and he loves the mountains. I could go on and on. But when it comes to the serious things in life-we mostly agree on things and we love each other while allowing the other to be themselves.
idk i mean yall are kinda old to be fiancés. you should have yourselves figured out by now. why even bother getting married now
If your partner met all of your needs, how could you learn to love unconditionally?
No
People who describe their relationships as “fiery” and “toxic” at 40 years old should not get married. Especially if one of you is incapable of turning off her phone.
All I’m seeing is huge red flags. I’m glad you have a hot girlfriend or whatever, but this is not a grownup situation.
You two should absolutely not buy a home, have a child, or file joint taxes. Come on, you know this.
Drinking every day she’s not fit for any kind of relationship.
Generally, I feel that love isn’t enough. Love might keep you together for a while, but without a solid foundation, that love will fade away.
What you really need is good and deep communication. Being able to share and validate your feelings. Valuing each others time, which is not necessarily spending every second together, but having time when you are fully present with each other. Really talking, laughing, seeing each other. And sometimes, you may have to work at it.
It does help to have passions and interests that overlap. Where you both are excited for whatever it is you do, game night, dancing night, sports night, whatever. This kind of commonality makes it easier. But you still have to do the part above.
Love is definitely not enough. You’ll find as time goes on that you will prioritize values over romance. Is this someone you can see yourself growing old with? Making sound financial decisions with? The little things that may seem just an annoyance now will escalate into bigger issues. It’s not you, it’s not her – if you can both accept that then fine. But how long can you tolerate the differences?
No
From everything you described in this post I would say no. Nothing in common, she drinks all day everyday and is she 40 or 16? The way she sits on the phone with friends talking and playing games while you’re sitting there alone watching a movie. How is the trust factor in your relationship? If you say poor I’m gonna say why is she still your fiancé?
I have questions. How do you two handle your differences? Do you fight about them? Do you insult or criticize the other because of the ways in which they are different from you? Do you accept the differences and give each other grace? Are you able to make requests and have the other person listen and seriously consider how they can accommodate the request? How long have you been together? Do you live together? Do either of you have children? What is it like for you to be sober while she is under the influence on a daily basis? This is a much much more complicated situation than just asking if love is enough. No, love isn’t enough. Love ebbs and flows, and love can easily turn into indifference, contempt and resentment if you don’t have the skills to navigate your differences respectfully.
Are you really in love with soeone you share no common ground or are you afraid of being alone by ending a bad relationship. sounds like the 2nd option if you ask me and the only way to see it is think of this being the rest of your life. If you can’t see this lasting then be done and don’t look back.
My husband and I are totally opposite when it comes to most everything. He flies off the handle and I’m super chill. He loves to talk to strangers and do people watching, id rather be alone in the woods. But because we love each other and want to be together….since 2001…it works. So yes, I think love matters the most.
Opposites attract. It’s been a thing for centuries.
There is a saying. You can’t live on love alone.
My ex drank every day. One or two drinks, more on weekends. Also vaped. I was a morning person who was genuinely happy in the morning. You couldn’t even talk to her in the morning for like an hour. It didn’t work
Honestly, I thought it could in a situation I was in but ultimately love wasn’t enough lol we still love each other and are friends but we just came from vastly different walks of life.
What are you calling toxic about your relationship?
When and how much does she drink every day? How much does that affect your relationship?
Love can be enough to make a relationship work if people choose to stay together despite significant differences, but it’s definitely a choice because over time those differences can become more frustrating and problematic.