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Yes it’s sad. There is help out there. Please keep asking questions and finding the right people to help. r/ask isn’t as specific as some of the other subs that can be more help.
Yes, and anyone can be abusive. More people have dipped their toes in than they realize. But abusive people can and do change, usually with a lot of help from someone who knows about thay stuff. Here, they have a program for domestic abusers that’s been pretty successful and helped many families.
Yes, I had an ex who was amazing to me, until he wasn’t. Took two years of hoping for the nice boy I knew to come back but it was no use. With someone way better now who is much sweeter! I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it will get better! Be safe!
Nobody is all bad or all good. That’s how many people get stuck in abusive relationships for years. They like the good days and try to ignore the bad ones. It’s not realistic though and the reality of the whole situation could be worse than you realize.
I remember seeing a woman interviewed after her husband had been arrested for SAing their children. She said she had no idea he was doing that. She said he would occasionally beat her up out of the blue but she didn’t think he was hurting the kids. She said 90% of the time he was wonderful. She didn’t want to leave him because of the 10% of the time when he was violent. She felt really stupid and naive to think he wasn’t abusing the children as well once she found out the truth
Yes they can- some of the niceties can be manipulation, some can be genuine kindness. A lot of toxic behavior comes out when someone is triggered as a lot of toxic and abusive behavior is a trauma response. Now I will always say – while trauma and negative experiences can cause abusive behavior it never excuses it.
Sometimes the most outwardly nice people are the most evil and vice versa. I knew a lady that ran a soup kitchen that was helping so many people but she was so harsh and mean. 😭
Yeah, they usually start by love bombing you and then gradually get worse and worse. They will NOT change to the way they were in the beginning, no matter how sweetly they promise it. Speaking from experience. Don’t waste time with that like I did
Being nice is part of the act. If they’re nice to you sometimes, you’ll think “Oh they’re not so bad, they brought me flowers and we went out to dinner”. If they’re nice to you in front of people, nobody will believe you when you argue otherwise.
Follow your gut. If you think you’re in a bad situation, get out. You don’t deserve that trash and that trash don’t deserve you
Someone close to me is married to a total piece of shit. He is verbally abusive and always threatening violence to his family, and racist to boot.
He will also help out just about anyone. He will help build things, fix things, maintain things, take care of elderly neighbors, help a person of another race change their flat tire on the side of the road and more.
Known this person for over twenty years and I couldn’t tell you why he’s so night and day. Outside, they’re a pleasant person. At home, they’re a monster.
Absolutely.
Every abusive person I’ve ever known was nice some times.
Just not all the time. The rest of the time they are abusive, either overly or covertly.
Absolutely, a lot of abusers are very nice and charming at first, that’s how they get you to trust them. That’s why when they start abusive behavior you’ll question your sanity and reality instead of just being like “fuck this I’m out”.
Yes and that’s how they trick you into staying around.
He brought flowers. He apologized and said it would never happen again. He didn’t mean what he said, he was just tired and I was pushing. He said I look pretty and we’ll go out this weekend.
And the cycle starts again.
If you’re worried, please talk with someone. You don’t deserve to be treated poorly. 💜
Yes abusive people can be nice. Normally, to lure you into their little mind games they start off nice. They make you feel cared for and loved and then they push a boundary, and then apologize to see how you’ll react. When you show signs that you’ll allow boundaries to be pushed they keep pushing and pushing to see just how much they can get away with before they can pull you into their abusive cycle.
I hope that’s not what you’re in, but if it is, I hope you make a quick and safe escape. Wish you the best. 🙂
My uncle was a dope dude at family gatherings who’d always have treats for the kids. I remember loving him very much, and he’d always have a kind word for me when he picked me up from school, and would volunteer for earthquake relief efforts and lecture us on the importance of having good morals.
On the side, he was constantly shaming my cancer-ridden aunt for her appearance post-chemo and cheating on her while she was dying.
Oh yes! They are delightful, lovely company, chatty and kind, a right laugh. So when one of their victims speak up, no one believes them. Seen this too often.
That is an important aspect of the abuse and it’splot. They can play to be the sweetest person, greatest supporter, most caring friend, but they still stab you in your back 170 times.
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Sometimes
So leave him. Lemme guess though. He’s too good looking so he gets a pass right?
OJ was pretty nice when I met him
Every villain is someone’s hero, and every hero is someone’s villain
Sorry for the drivel you’ve gotten op.
Yes they often are nice, it’s part of why it can take people so long to figure out they’re being abused.
Yes
Yes it’s sad. There is help out there. Please keep asking questions and finding the right people to help. r/ask isn’t as specific as some of the other subs that can be more help.
Yes, and anyone can be abusive. More people have dipped their toes in than they realize. But abusive people can and do change, usually with a lot of help from someone who knows about thay stuff. Here, they have a program for domestic abusers that’s been pretty successful and helped many families.
Most of them are until they aren’t. If they were douches all the time they’d never be able to abuse people.
Yes, for the chance to abuse you.
Yes, I had an ex who was amazing to me, until he wasn’t. Took two years of hoping for the nice boy I knew to come back but it was no use. With someone way better now who is much sweeter! I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it will get better! Be safe!
Nobody is all bad or all good. That’s how many people get stuck in abusive relationships for years. They like the good days and try to ignore the bad ones. It’s not realistic though and the reality of the whole situation could be worse than you realize.
I remember seeing a woman interviewed after her husband had been arrested for SAing their children. She said she had no idea he was doing that. She said he would occasionally beat her up out of the blue but she didn’t think he was hurting the kids. She said 90% of the time he was wonderful. She didn’t want to leave him because of the 10% of the time when he was violent. She felt really stupid and naive to think he wasn’t abusing the children as well once she found out the truth
Yes they can- some of the niceties can be manipulation, some can be genuine kindness. A lot of toxic behavior comes out when someone is triggered as a lot of toxic and abusive behavior is a trauma response. Now I will always say – while trauma and negative experiences can cause abusive behavior it never excuses it.
When it’s convenient yeah I guess
He was the nicest friendliest helpful neighbor ever even watched our kids , BEHIND CLOSED DOORS …….. not so much .
Sometimes the most outwardly nice people are the most evil and vice versa. I knew a lady that ran a soup kitchen that was helping so many people but she was so harsh and mean. 😭
Yeah, they usually start by love bombing you and then gradually get worse and worse. They will NOT change to the way they were in the beginning, no matter how sweetly they promise it. Speaking from experience. Don’t waste time with that like I did
My mother oozes charm in public. She’s a cunt.
Being nice is part of the act. If they’re nice to you sometimes, you’ll think “Oh they’re not so bad, they brought me flowers and we went out to dinner”. If they’re nice to you in front of people, nobody will believe you when you argue otherwise.
Follow your gut. If you think you’re in a bad situation, get out. You don’t deserve that trash and that trash don’t deserve you
Someone close to me is married to a total piece of shit. He is verbally abusive and always threatening violence to his family, and racist to boot.
He will also help out just about anyone. He will help build things, fix things, maintain things, take care of elderly neighbors, help a person of another race change their flat tire on the side of the road and more.
Known this person for over twenty years and I couldn’t tell you why he’s so night and day. Outside, they’re a pleasant person. At home, they’re a monster.
No they can’t. Their niceness is fake and used to manipulate
yes I think so ppl say they’re charming enough to grab/retain attention
Yes to other people they can’t abuse lol
Absolutely.
Every abusive person I’ve ever known was nice some times.
Just not all the time. The rest of the time they are abusive, either overly or covertly.
Yep
Absolutely, a lot of abusers are very nice and charming at first, that’s how they get you to trust them. That’s why when they start abusive behavior you’ll question your sanity and reality instead of just being like “fuck this I’m out”.
Yes and that’s how they trick you into staying around.
He brought flowers. He apologized and said it would never happen again. He didn’t mean what he said, he was just tired and I was pushing. He said I look pretty and we’ll go out this weekend.
And the cycle starts again.
If you’re worried, please talk with someone. You don’t deserve to be treated poorly. 💜
Yes abusive people can be nice. Normally, to lure you into their little mind games they start off nice. They make you feel cared for and loved and then they push a boundary, and then apologize to see how you’ll react. When you show signs that you’ll allow boundaries to be pushed they keep pushing and pushing to see just how much they can get away with before they can pull you into their abusive cycle.
I hope that’s not what you’re in, but if it is, I hope you make a quick and safe escape. Wish you the best. 🙂
Sure can. Look up “love bomb”
Yes. I’m not nice, I’m kind. Being nice is fake, as you can see from your situation.
Many are, until they aren’t. We’re all multifaceted, even abusers.
My uncle was a dope dude at family gatherings who’d always have treats for the kids. I remember loving him very much, and he’d always have a kind word for me when he picked me up from school, and would volunteer for earthquake relief efforts and lecture us on the importance of having good morals.
On the side, he was constantly shaming my cancer-ridden aunt for her appearance post-chemo and cheating on her while she was dying.
Watch your back, look out for a trick. 🪓🗡️
Yes
Oh yes! They are delightful, lovely company, chatty and kind, a right laugh. So when one of their victims speak up, no one believes them. Seen this too often.
That is an important aspect of the abuse and it’splot. They can play to be the sweetest person, greatest supporter, most caring friend, but they still stab you in your back 170 times.
Ofc! Nothing begins as abusive. That usually happens when drama starts or stress. Then abuse, then remorse, then lovely.
All over again. It’s a cycle.