My boyfriend (22m) and me (23f) just had the longest and hardest conversation of our relationship.
We’ve been together for about a year and today he came to me and said that his friends think I’m controlling and can be belittling and that I put him into a box and don’t let him be a free spirit.
I get that and he’s right, I’m very Type A compared to him and like to have a plan for everything. I operate my life under a sense of urgency.
It doesn’t help that I also teach high school which means I carry a huge mental load every day. He said he feels like he’s selfless with me and I’m more selfless to my students than to him.
Ouch..he’s right. I am. and now I just feel horrendously guilty and I don’t know where to go from here. We didn’t break up, he wants to try and work it out and to give me a chance to be better. I just now feel so guilty I can’t sleep while he’s laying next to me peacefully. How do I fix this?
TLDR; Boyfriend came to me because he feels like I’m being controlling and I don’t give him the grace I give my students as a high school teacher.
Comments
Okay you seem pretty aware of the apparent problem.
Are you going to make a change or not?
Also, sometimes SO friends are dumb.
Dang, don’t freak out too hard. You obviously are self aware and that’s like 85% of the battle in a relationship. You are a rare treat for any guy if you can take constructive criticism and change into a better version of you for some weirdo free soul or whatever he refers to himself as. Sit him down, make some macaroni necklaces with him and tell him you guys are going to be just fine.
I think it’s important to keep talking to him about this. You have written about what his friends think and about what you think, but for this to be something that you and he can work on, he has to be able to be aware of what he thinks is going on and what he would like to be different. You can tell him, “I am committed to this relationship and to making it one in which you feel free to be yourself – can you tell me some times where you have felt that I have been controlling and belittling?”
This idea of “selflessnes” is also concerning, because neither of you should be self-sacrificial, either with each other or in your jobs. I would talk to him about what that word means to him. You don’t want to be in a relationship where he feels like he’s giving his entire self over to you. (Just as he should not allow his friends to decide for him what he should want from his relationship.)
Communication is key. Now that the cat is out of the bag tell bf to make you aware of these situations as they arise. Sometime people do things out of habit and are not aware of it at the time. I am guilty of that.
When we work in a position of managing people all day it is sometimes hard to turn it off when we get home.
OK, so this is a case in which behavior modification technique is the solution. Your boyfriend thinks you are too controlling and that’s making him unhappy in the relationship. You recognize that there may be some truth to this dynamic and want to find a way to improve things between you. The following suggestion is highly unorthodox, but it works. Sit down with your boyfriend and have a quiet and serious conversation about this problem. Tell him that whenever he feels as though you are being overly controlling, he has your permission to rip off your clothes and bang you on the spot, even in public if necessary. I guarantee that this will greatly impact the future behavior of both of you going forward. I am not kidding about this. It really works.
Coming from a former teacher, living your life with a sense of urgency is only functional if you can it off when no urgency is needed.
Otherwise you’re probably dealing with anxiety. Try leaving your urgency in the classroom and see if you can not make plans, not control things, not take the lead and if that gives you anxiety or not.
Being type A can seem really positive and mature in your 20’s but really harm your mental health and relationships in the long run.
Whether you date this person or not, take his advice to heart.
So did he not have any issues with your relationship until his friends put a bug in his ear? He is an adult …was he afraid to bring it up before? Why is it all on you? His friends dont live you with and they dont know how you are one on one at home. Forget what his friends say…what does HE say about how hes treated?
Overall, just be mindful of your actions and his feelings while also finding ways to control your stress.
Well you agree that he is describing how you can come across.
But, is there a flip side to this? What are the positive aspects of your personality? The aspects that he was drawn to.
We tend to be drawn to partners that ‘complete’ us. So, you seem to be very organised and like schedules. Perhaps your boyfriend has always been very relaxed about getting things done. You can see how these tendencies might compliment each other.
It’s also true that the characteristics that draw us together are often the same ones that drive us crazy. So, your boyfriend has pointed out how your organised nature can feel bossy and controlling. Presumably, your boyfriends lack of organisational urgency is what drives your behaviour?
At the moment it all seems very one sided; you are the one with characteristics that need to change and he is a poor victim of your excesses.
If you want your relationship to work it can’t all be down to you. If the triggers don’t change, neither will your behaviour.
Hey, my girlfriend feels bad for a different reason, but when we say we want to make it work it’s because we believe it’s 100% solvable. I also had some things I needed to work on. A relationship is never perfect and talking is the first step for a solution.
Every time you get through these hurdles your relationship gets stronger. Just work on being nicer to him ACTIVELY. You have to mentally start thinking daily ‘okay that was too much I shouldn’t react like this’.
I’m a pretty pushy person and she told me, so I wrote it down on my phone and every morning I have it as a reminder, that way I know I won’t forget and stop improving.
Hey! It sounds like it’s all good! Y’all had a conversation that was meant to bring you closer. You are aware of what you’re doing and as long as you’re both willing to do the work to make things better, it’s all good. But remember it’s not just on you, so don’t take everything on your shoulders.
Well let me start by saying don’t feel guilty you enjoy your life the way you desire we are all responsible for our own happiness and you should be the most important person to you I understand that you are not wanting to hurt him but I would suggest not to listen to his friends because they are jealous that he puts time into you don’t forget how important your opinion is not The friends that most likely are alone or envy him for having you
Hey, just wanted to say it takes a lot of maturity to recognize your own patterns and want to do better. The fact that your boyfriend is still there and wants to work it out is a really positive sign. Maybe take small steps to show him you’re trying—like asking how he’s feeling more often or letting go of control in little ways. Relationships are about growing together, and it sounds like you’re both willing to do that.
I think the best think to do is start individual therapy to help you learn to communicate and how to cope with the pressures of work and how to switch off
do you have any examples of your behavior?
So what did he say would improve the situation for him?
minor counterpoint: your students are children, he’s a grown ass man. depending on what it is you’re talking about when you say ‘selfless’, it may or may not be appropriate to make the comparison.
Hardest part is admitting you actually have an issue. It seems like you agree, so maybe you can relay to your boyfriend a call to action? What you actually plan to do in order to fix this behavior, and an honest conversation about his value to you. You seem like a person who genuinely wants to change, so your first step is already done. Now it’s time to follow through.
Be careful with the whole ‘mental load’ thing – it is often a crutch for people to justify being self absorbed.
Plenty of people have far more stressful and demanding jobs than teachers, and they still manage to have balance and healthy relationships in their life.
I agree with another comment that ‘urgency’ can equate to ‘anxiety’.
If you are in a relationship that you know you want to stay in, you need to prioritize that in your life. That doesn’t mean losing yourself, but it means you need to prioritize investing in your relationship, speaking each other’s love languages, meeting each other’s needs.
If you feel that your partners feelings and observations are fair and legitimate, then I suspect this problematic dynamic will only follow you into your best relationship unless you are determined to make a change.
I would encourage you to read about attachment styles, and see where you fit on the ‘avoidant’ side of things. Very few relations can survive an avoidant, unless they make a conscious effort to move to a more ‘secure’ attachment mode.
Have you thought about relationship therapy? It’s a rarity here on Reddit that people acknowledge their problems and want to work on things and have a partner who isn’t scorched-Earth. That might be a helpful step!
OP – I would encourage you to read about people who react with shame or defensiveness. It can sometimes result in misbehaving or building resentment.
Rather than feeling guilty about what your partner has shared and wondering how you can “come back” from this – try to instead frame it is a more positive and constructive way.
Try to look at it as now possessing a road map to strengthen and realign your relationship.
Your partner didn’t speak up because they wanted to make you feel guilty or ashamed. They spoke up because they love you and they went to make this relationship work. Having a partner who has shown that they are willing to work and fight for a relationship is huge. There are other people who would simply move out while you are at work one day and leave you a “goodbye” note.
He’s just asking for you guys to recalibrate – because he wants to make this work.
Good luck to you 👍
My partner is very type A as well, and we’ve worked on it together for the past 4 years. First, we delved into why they were that way and discussed in what ways it was helpful/not helpful at times. For them, it stemmed from their childhood as their parent is very type A and always expected my partner to be a certain way as a child. Things have gotten a lot better because they recognize that some of these type A patterns aren’t healthy. Not everything is an urgency, not everything has to be done a certain way, and it’s not healthy to criticize when others aren’t meeting your expectations of how you think they should be. I think it’s about just figuring out what triggers you and coming up with a plan to address them when it comes up. There are many good things about being with a type A partner as well. It’s all about finding a healthy balance and ensuring both people are happy in the relationship. Best of luck to you two.
If you didn’t already talk about this and you’re open to hearing it, ask him to give you examples of times when he felt you were being controlling or hindering him. Or more generally, what responses he’d prefer to get from you in certain situations. That could give you guys a couple of concrete things to work on so you know where to start, and he can see proof of you hearing him out and trying.
Question, how long have you guys been together? If you can give some examples on why he feels that you put him in a box you don’t allow him to be a free spirit.