Hi,
So this is a throwaway account because I haven’t told anyone yet and I don’t want them to find out yet. I (44f) was diagnosed with terminal Pancreatic Cancer two weeks ago. The oncologist has given me about 6-9 months. I’m naturally terrified, but the worst part is that I have no idea what is going to happen with my 13 year old daughter. Her father has been out of her life since she was 1 year old. He’s never paid child support or tried to visit, but we’ve done fine without him. I put myself through college and got a really good job where I make enough to comfortably support my daughter and I.
Six years ago, I started dating someone at the company I work for. He has a child from a previous relationship and his exwife has custody, but he sees the child regularly. Over the years, he has stepped in to the father figure role for my daughter. We have gone on vacations as a family with both kids. We rent a house together in the suburbs. He comes to my daughters basketball games and cheers her on. He takes her on roller coasters at the amusement park. She plans on having him teach her how to drive in a few years because she says I’m a bad driver. He has provided way more financial support over the years to her than her sperm donor ever did.
That brings me to the topic of my post. I want my daughter to go to my boyfriend when I die. I know that courts will prefer bio parents, but her dad hasn’t been in her life and he doesn’t deserve to have her. My boyfriend is great with her, knows her friends and their parents, knows what she does and doesn’t like, her favorite foods. I don’t have time left to marry him and have him adopt her since the law wants you to wait one year after marriage for adoption. I’m open to us having a quick marriage, we have been talking about getting married for about a year now, so it wouldn’t be out of the blue.
I also have a $500k life insurance policy that my daughter is the sole benefactor of, so I know she is set. I also trust my boyfriend to do the right thing with that policy, whereas her sperm donor is a drug addict and alcoholic and would likely blow through it. I also don’t have much in the way of family. My dad left my mom when she was pregnant and he said he doesn’t want to take care of another kid and my mom is very toxic and emotionally abusive. I have no siblings and most of my extended family are drunks or addicts, so slim pickings.
I guess my question is given my circumstances, what is the best way to approach this? I want to make sure this happens the right way so that there is minimal disruption to my daughter’s life and I don’t want to cause more hurt than necessary.
Location: Ohio