My boyfriend (I guess ex-fiance now) have been together for 6 years. Three years into our relationship, he (M29) had a s*de attempt, and I (F28) was the only one there to stop him, calm him down, and make sure he was safe for the night. Prior to the attempt, we had a great sex life. But the attempt broke me. I had so much pain build up inside me, that I would worry if he was going to attempt again the second he went out of my line of site. I was still obviously sexually attracted to him but I would end up sobbing during sex because I had so many pent up feelings surrounding the event. It got so bad that I physically could not have sex with him anymore. I would be so physically tight that even inserting a finger into my v*a would be painful for me. We ended up moving cross country soon after that. We rented a place together for a bit. I held so much pain from that event, and I’m generally a hot head, so we would frequently get into blow out verbal arguments. The arguments would get bad because he would shut down and just sit there, and I would want to talk through things. And this mismatch of communication styles pushed both of us to lean more into our own communication style. It got so bad and so frequent that at one point, we broke up and he went to go live with his parents for a week. I reached back out to him, and we had a heart to heart and got back together. A while later, I asked him what would have happened if I hadn’t reached out and tried to mend the relationship. He said that he wouldn’t have gotten back together with me. That always stayed with me. He eventually started going to therapy, we bought a house, and things were going ok. I was still a hot head, but I was finding ways to communicate through my feelings more, and he was working on being more open to working through conflict.
Earlier this year, he proposed. It was a very sweet proposal. I could tell he put effort and thought into it. I said “ok” to his proposal. I felt like I couldn’t emphatically say yes because the month leading up to the proposal, his parents started meddling in our relationship more. To the point where I felt whiplashed by him, by not standing up for me and choosing me first. And I think emotionally I was too scared to emphatically say yes. Because then I’d be opening myself up to getting emotionally hurt again. So “ok” was what came out of my mouth. The proposal felt rushed. I later found out that he proposed then because he felt as though he needed to honor the fact that he told my parents he would propose that month. He also mentioned that he didn’t want his parents to feel like their meddling worked. So in all of that, even though he was verbally telling me he chose me, he wasn’t choosing me with his actions. He was letting others influence him and our relationship.
Anyways, I never wore the ring because it was insanely expensive and I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I lost it. I also felt like I didn’t want people at work to see that I was engaged. My job is a contract role, and I’m trying to get a full-time position at the same company. I was worried that if people saw a ring, they’d immediately start thinking is she going to get married soon? Have kids soon? And I didn’t want that to be in anybody’s mind when I was looking for a new role. I also felt worried about everything with his parents. I didn’t want to marry into a family where I wasn’t welcome, and he wasn’t making an effort to stand up for me and put me first. And I realize now that me not wearing the ring hurt him deeply.
Anyways, I had three crash outs this week and the last one ended in him ending our engagement. I feel like this time is the end. And I understand it. We’ve had a tough relationship, and that takes a toll on anyone. But I don’t know what to do next. I still very much love him and support him, but I think he’s set on us being done. He even mentioned that he proposed because he felt like he needed to try — he’d been dragging his feet for six years — and he actually expected me to say no. I don’t know why he would propose with the expectation that I would say no. I am starting to realize that he’s probably been checked out of the relationship for a little bit and was going through the motions but didn’t have his heart in it. I’m not sure though. So I guess, any advice? Is this whole thing done? What should I do next?
TL;DR: Rocky 6-yr relationship with me (F28) and him (M29) having very different conflict resolution styles ending in a broken engagement. Is there a way to fix things?