Can we ever be really happy?

TL;DR:
I’m (F28) in a loving relationship with my boyfriend (M28), but our sex life is almost non-existent. He has a history of extreme porn use, little sexual experience, and difficulty feeling physical sensations during sex. He rarely orgasms, needs intense or unusual stimulation, and says sex isn’t important to him — but I feel deeply rejected, unattractive, and frustrated. I want to be patient, but I’m scared it will never get better. Can something like this change? Or are some people permanently affected by years of extreme habits?

F28] I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend [M28], but our sex life is making me feel rejected, unwanted, and deeply insecure. Can this ever change?

I (F28) have been in a relationship for about 2.5 months now with someone (M28) I had previously worked with for six months. We co-founded a university group together, and during that time, our phone calls gradually became longer and more intimate. Eventually, at a party, we cuddled for the first time. Until that moment, we had never touched — I’m Jewish and traditionally don’t touch the opposite sex.

We both tried hard to fight our feelings because of cultural and religious differences (he’s Iranian, I’m Jewish), but in the end, we felt we couldn’t imagine being without each other and decided to give it a try.

I’ve been in three serious relationships before — my last one lasted five years, and we lived together. My current boyfriend has very limited experience. He told me at the beginning that he had had sex before, but when we were making out, it became obvious he didn’t really know what he was doing, and I had to guide him through everything.

He would sometimes have trouble maintaining an erection, but I assumed it was due to nerves or stress. Early on, he opened up to me and told me he was heavily bullied as a teenager and that, at age 15, he started having a long-distance relationship with a dominatrix from abroad. She used to tell him what to do, and he said he was in love with her because he felt completely alone otherwise. It apparently took him a long time to get over her, and after that, he never really fell in love again — until me, as he says.

He also used to chat with lots of women online and stored their photos in a cloud folder, categorized by name. He told me he hasn’t needed any of that in years, deleted everything in front of me, and was extremely ashamed. He said he feels things for me that he never thought he’d feel again — or had maybe never felt before — and that I’m the best thing to ever happen to him.

He had to learn how to behave in a relationship, but that part has gotten better. The problem is our sex life.

I’ve always had a very active sex life, and based on previous experience, I know I’m good at oral and hand stimulation. But with him, nothing is working the way it used to. He likes an incredibly strong grip when I give him a handjob — so strong that I’m often afraid of hurting him — but it’s the only way he can orgasm.

He has never come from oral, and often loses his erection during it.

He told me he used to masturbate excessively, sometimes for up to 6 hours at a time before he could come, applying very intense pressure until it hurt, and that his penis would often be sore afterward. He also said he needed to watch extremely hardcore porn to get aroused — not just BDSM, but shemales, femdom, even urination and animals. He admitted he always needed something very “dirty” to be able to orgasm.

Sometimes, when I would describe extreme scenarios during making out because he was losing his erection — like having a threesome with me and a shemale — he would suddenly get very aroused and orgasm quickly.

I always thought things would improve once we had actual sex. He kept saying he wanted it to be special, since he’d only had sex once before and barely knew the person. When we finally did it (about a month ago), he didn’t come. He later confessed it was actually his first time and he was just very nervous.

Since then, he hasn’t been able to orgasm at all — not from sex, not from oral, not from handjobs. He says it doesn’t really bother him, but it deeply affects me. I feel undesired, unattractive, and frustrated — not just sexually, but emotionally. He still brings me to orgasm regularly (not always during sex, since penetration doesn’t work well), but it often feels like something I could just do on my own.

I’ve cried so many times after we’ve tried and failed to connect sexually. He never gets angry; I never blame him. I always say, “We’ll get through this together.” But deep down, I’m still incredibly sad.

And now, there’s added pressure.

For the past two weeks, when we fool around and he doesn’t come, he says that afterward, when he urinates, a small amount of semen-like fluid comes out. He describes it as feeling similar to ejaculation but not quite, like there’s still something inside that needs to be “milked out.”

He stopped watching porn before we even had sex for the first time, saying he didn’t want it anymore. He also stopped masturbating completely.

Today, because he wanted to try it, we used an anal plug. It really aroused him, and he asked if I could “fuck him from behind with something.” I said, “Hold on — do you maybe want to have sex instead?” But since he preferred being penetrated, I gave him a handjob instead, and he came within 15 seconds — for the first time in a month.

He was completely shocked. He said he hadn’t expected it and couldn’t even enjoy it because it happened so fast. He was happy he could still orgasm, especially with me, but I felt devastated. If he had just said yes to sex in that moment, maybe he could’ve come during sex — something I’ve been longing for. Now it feels like that moment is gone, and I worry it’s created a new kind of pressure for him again.

The thing is: he is loving, caring, and kind. But I often feel unhappy. I get snappy, or we argue, because this part of our relationship is missing and it hurts. I want to be patient, but what if it never gets better? I’ve never felt so unwanted or unattractive in any past relationship, and it’s wearing me down.

I’m also deeply worried that he will always need extreme kinks or stimulation to feel anything. That he’s maybe desensitized himself over the years — he admitted he might’ve “damaged” himself by watching extreme porn almost daily for over 10 years and rubbing his penis so hard for hours on end.

What should I do?

Can this ever become a “normal” sex life?

Are there people who simply always need something extreme to feel aroused — and what happens when that doesn’t work anymore? I just want sex full of love and passion, and he just isn’t passionate at all.

Sometimes he gets horny, we start fooling around, and then within 10 minutes he just… loses interest. He rarely craves sex. Once a week is his max, whereas I could do it every day. Oddly enough, he often gets an erection the moment he sees me — sometimes even before we hug — but he says he still doesn’t feel the desire for sex.

He says he misses nothing, but I do. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to break up over this, but I also feel so rejected and broken sometimes.
We talk very open about our needs and wishes and he just says he can’t do anything about it and is frustrated as well because I am but the no cum thing does not bother him at all.

Any advice?