I’m going to start this off by telling you about a wonderful girl I met on August 2024—our first day and orientation at school. At first, I didn’t really notice her that much—not until the signature-hunting bingo game. I was instantly attracted to her.
It’s now been nine months since I started courting her. Recently, she brought up a “what if” scenario—what if she had rejected me in the early months? That made me overthink.
Last night, I asked her why she mentioned it. She said she feels like she doesn’t deserve me because she can’t give me that label, despite everything I’ve done for her.
I told her it’s okay—I understand that she isn’t ready yet, and that she still carries trauma from her ex. Then she asked me if I was ready to commit when she finally does give that label. I answered, “Yes.”
This morning, I told her: “What if you realize that you really can’t give me that label? That maybe you’re just used to me, and no matter how long it takes, you still won’t be able to foresee that you can give that to me?” I added, “If that’s the case, then it’s still okay. I can’t force anything.”
She replied, “I know I can give it, but what I worry about is what comes after—whether it will last or not.” She continued, “Is it better that nothing happened and we just think about all the ‘what ifs’? Or do we play it out until we give up?”
I don’t really mind waiting for her we just had some conflict recently so we had this conversation.
I would like to ask for some advice but I won’t give up on her and I don’t want to pressure her either
TL;DR F20 is unsure about what comes after when we are official
Comments
She knows the answer to that since she has an ex. Losing an ex sucks but it doesn’t mean you want to wish away the good times you had with that person. You both just need to focus on how you feel about each other in the here and now, not how long things might be. I’m sure most people who had relationships lasting for years ever thought exactly how many years the relationship would last. They probably just focused on making things work and eventually the years built up. So its not about how long you’ll be with each other, its about the moments you’ll try and share with each other.
If you look at the worst possible outcomes…
In my opinion, you can’t worry about the unknowns like that. It’s better to try the relationship, have it burn bright, and die out after a short while. The alternative is spending months/years longer hanging on, lying about how “i can wait,” only to never have anything become of it. Nothing more stagnating in life than closing all other doors because you’re holding on for someone who keeps telling you “no.”
thank you so much for your advice