I married my long term boyfriend (10 years) around 2 years back. We live in US. His parents cannot support him for anything financially but are rather dependent on him for all their expenses.
Not sure if this is normal. But their financial independence sometimes drags us down and put us behind as we both have to make sure they have everything. We have to fund for their travel, their visas, etc. We even bought a house for them so that they can leave their previous shit place.
This feels like a rant but some days, I just can’t take this. If I tell my husband, it would make him sad and make him hate his parents. I don’t like that.
Edit: Parents live in India and don’t have any pension/retirement funds. Father is near retirement but is managing his day to day himself. But whenever it comes to any bigger expenses, they’d just not do it instead of asking for money. Eventually we offer to do it. They don’t travel much but even coming to US is something we will have to cover. We have discussed this many times with each other, but the only solution is to support them. I don’t discuss this or bring this up very often as it triggers the hatred in him.
Also, we bought a house for us here last year. Also had a lil girl who is 3 months old now. Our priority for finances is mainly us but their independence sometimes stretches our hands a bit.
Comments
Nothing will change if you dont say something.
They’ll never change, why should they, your husband is being used. Time to put your foot down
I saw a quote yesterday “What you don’t change, you choose.” Choosing to support his parents just might not be an option anymore. Talk about it logically with him from a financial perspective. It doesn’t need to be feelings dominated, but of course consider his feelings. Good luck!
Your have to tell him and see if you can come to a new solution. If you keep it in, then over time your going to come to hate him and resentment him. You will end up divorced. It will only be a matter of time. He can’t work on a problem if he doesn’t know there is one.
Ask him why supporting his parents to have vacations is more important than funding YOUR life together?
You don’t know if it will make him hate his parents. You don’t know how he’ll react at all because you haven’t brought it up.
Do you have kids? Do you want them? Not gonna happen if he spends every penny on his parents. In fact you won’t be able to plan a future at all if you always have to be prepared for mommy and daddy’s next catastrophe.
You’re married, which means financial decisions should go through both of you. He’s relying on your silence to continue enabling his parents, and they’re relying on your silence to continue to be enabled. Speak up, it’s your right.
They’re adults ffs, it’s embarrassing that they choose to rely on their child instead of being independent.
On top of all of those things, they’re fucking up your marriage. Plain and simple. Are your in laws more important than your marriage? Ask your husband point blank.
You’re NOT the asshole here, it’s not normal, you have every right to protest this.
Please discuss this. Long term your retirement plans will be your own children perpetuating this cycle
Stop enabling your husband. Say something. If it’s financially draining him he has to stop asap. He’s not obligated to help them, especially financially. If he refuses, divorce him. I wouldn’t have dated let alone married my husband if he was supporting his parents financially.
It’s not normal where I live. (Also in the US.). If they’re able to travel and all that, there’s no reason they can’t get a job and support themselves.
Does your husband not know how supporting them is affecting your own finances? If not, he needs to be told. If he does, you have a husband problem, not an inlaw problem. Making hard decisions and sometimes being “sad” is part of being an adult. He needs to grow up and grow a spine. If he can’t/won’t, he’s probably not mature enough to be married and have his own family.
Good luck!
UpdateMe
Not normal and I can’t believe you willingly married into that situation. You’d have been better off keeping your finances separated. Time to have an open talk with you husband about his enabling behavior because it’s only going to stop once they pass away. Therapy might help
You have to cut the cord or you will never be financially independent. Why are you financing their travel? How are you going to save for a house? Kids? I suggest you find a way to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Otherwise, your circumstances will not change.
Is this a cultural thing ?
They are adults. They have to figure it out sometime???? Duh.
You need to have an open, honest discussion about this. What will the next 20 years look like, and what will this financial dependency offer the two of you? Is this going to delay our retirement and your ability to be mortgage-free? You can talk to a planner and see your future based on different savings amounts.
You are essentially sacrificing your life and future for his parents. Some people are okay with this, as it fits into their value system. Others wouldn’t.
As others have already commented, this is not going to change. I know people who have relatives who are dependents, and they don’t usually get financial freedom.
You don’t have to use your money to support them if it bothers you. You can build your own retirement fund , if that will even be possible in today’s world. The inlaws might not even be allowed to come to the U.S. a lot of people don’t want to come to the U. S anymore