Can’t tell if I’m jealous, protective, or both.

Hi guys. I’m in a weird spot here.

My gf (44f) and I (29m) have been together three years.

We have a good relationship, for the most part.

I’ve struggled with feelings of jealousy in the past, and she – being someone who was cheated on previously – has been very understanding and mostly sympathetic when I express this.

But lately it’s gotten out of control, and frankly I’m questioning my own motives. And it’s making me feel crazy.

Here’s the reason: Her ex (45m), who also happens to be the father of one of her grown children, is a drug dealer. He has a laundry list of criminal charges, and is currently fairly well known in our community as being someone who sells/traffics.

She has made it clear that even though their son is grown and moved away, her ex is part of her life. They are friends.

They have hung out twice over the past month, and both times it makes me feel absolutely awful. I feel sick, jittery, all of the above. It’s awful.

She knows I’m uncomfortable when it comes to her relationship with him. (They had a period before we got together where they hooked up on a regular basis, so that doesn’t help either).

But we’ve had two blowouts over the past month or so where I’ve basically just gone all in on just looking her in the face and saying “he’s a drug dealer”

Shouldn’t that be enough? I’m jealous, I’ve admitted that to her. I’ve got to work on that. And believe me, I hate not being able to sleep and feeling like shit all the time, and so I am absolutely trying to heal my anxious attachment.

But another part of me is also trying to convey to her the fact that it is legitimately dangerous for her to be around him. Her physical life is legitimately in danger.

When I bring this up all she says is “don’t you think I’ve thought of that?”

And to that I think, maybe she has thought of it, but it hasn’t stopped her from hanging around him. Or letting her younger, teenage children from doing so either.

I don’t know guys, I just need a way to tell if I’m being motivated here by concern for her well being, or jealousy.

It’s super hard because my own feelings are so strong when it comes to this, that if my point finally does sink in, and she distances herself from him, I will get what I want. Which feels extremely controlling.

But on the other hand, it would be good for her to do that as well. So it’s like the protector in me and the jealous partner both want the same thing.

Does anyone have any advice on how to figure out why I’m really having such a hard time letting this one go?

Thanks guys, hope your week has gone well, cheers.

TLDR: my partner’s ex is a bad person and I can’t tell if I’m trying to protect her from him or just serving my own jealousy.