Summary: Me (29M) and him (43M) work at the same organization. He’s in a supervisory role. We developed a mutual attraction but decided not to act on it due to the power imbalance. I think we might be in love. Not sure what to do.
Posting from a throwaway account. I’m a bisexual man in my late 20s and have developed a very real, intimate, and mutual connection with a man I work under. I’ve known him for a little over a year now. He’s in his early 40s, holds a supervisory role, and he does have professional authority over me. We both work for a large organization with many employees and job sites.
Neither of us are out at work, and it took months of subtle, careful signaling to confirm mutual interest. There was lots of quiet flirting, boundary-testing, plausible deniability, checking for signals that we both were queer, and building trust through increasingly personal and emotionally resonant conversations. Our first plan to meet outside of work ended up fizzling out, so I initiated a private heart to heart conversation with him.
In that conversation, he told me I was taking up so much mental and emotional space in his head that it was affecting his ability to show up at work and do his job. That any time he tried to create distance or space between us, he’d see me around or we’d talk, even briefly, and then he got pulled back in. That he had been turning over every possible way in his mind that we could make a relationship work right now, but that he kept coming back to the ethical, contextual, and professional barriers. He apologized for all the mixed signals and said it’s because he’s never navigated having feelings for someone at work before.
He talked about how if we did pursue something, it would have to be extremely secret, and asked if that’s really what we wanted. We discussed how if we were found out, HR could come in and transfer one or both of us and disrupt our work and our careers. Also, even if we tried to go to HR to disclose a relationship and ask for a transfer, we have been watched, and people would likely figure out the reason, creating its own set of consequences. Plus, it would mean we’re formally outing ourselves to an organization that, while it is supportive of queer people publicly, is not really in practice. I fear there would be reprisal of some sort even if we were given permission to transfer. We also have some openly homophobic and biphobic coworkers, which makes me fear either of us being outed in the workplace, even if not together.
He also talked about how it ethically wouldn’t feel right to act on anything while he still holds power over me at work. That people might assume the worst because of the age gap and the power differential. He told me that even though this sucks, it’s also him trying to protect me. And yet, even as he said all of that, he still kept waffling, at multiple points even saying we should start secretly seeing each other. It was quietly heartbreaking and made me feel like I was watching a man who was at war with himself.
Finally, I said maybe we should just be friends, and put a pause on anything romantic for now. He agreed to that new boundary, believing it to not create the same ethical issues as a romantic relationship, but it created its own set of problems. I don’t really believe he can just be my friend, as that still carries risk around bias, favoritism, conflicts of interest, etc. What’s more is that we agreed to hang out as “friends” and went out for dinner together. I know this carried its own risk… The evening felt unmistakably intimate… not at all how I feel when I’m just out for dinner with a friend, and then all those feelings had to be stuffed back into a container for us to show up at work the next day.
The thing is, I do care for him deeply and I think I might be in love with him. He’s been nothing but respectful and caring this entire time and he has never pressured me into doing something I was uncomfortable with, or ever abused the power imbalance. It’s hard to articulate, but when it’s just us, it feels like none of these barriers exist… until they do. When I look at him, I feel like I’m looking at my person. He looks at me with affection and warmth that I haven’t felt before in my life. It feels different from any past relationship or even attraction I’ve had – man or woman. And what’s worst is that I think he feels the same for me, or even more. Neither of us seem built for a secret affair. We actually both have reputations in our workplace for being extremely professional.
Something that has come up when we’ve talked is that he’s likely to be transferred out of our site first. Those who work in his role tend to move between sites often, and based on standard timing in our organization, he will very likely no longer work with me in 6 months to 2 years assuming I stay put. He’s said if one of us moved, then we would just be two people and these barriers wouldn’t exist. I didn’t indicate that I would wait specifically for him because while I heard the yearning and hope in his words, it’s not a promise and we’re still at the mercy of our employer.
I don’t want to say too much about the sector we’re in, but it’s very hard to break into. Finding another job, especially with comparable pay and benefits, would be very difficult. However, if one of us gets transferred, this could change the whole dynamic and free us to explore a relationship. I also no longer want to enter a secret relationship because there is too much for both of us to lose. I want to act with integrity and I think a real relationship has to be entered into in the correct way. Neither of us has asked the other to wait because that seems unfair. I’m trying to be open to meeting new people, and I’m still leading a full life with work, friends, hobbies, and personal interests, but romantically… I can think of no one but him, even though I’ve tried to move on. Since meeting him, my feelings have only grown and deepened.
I’m wondering if anyone else has been in a situation where the timing and/or power dynamics made something feel impossible even if it felt real, or if anyone has insights or advice they can share. I guess some other specific questions I’d ask, if anyone is willing to respond, would be:
- Should I wait and see what happens when one of us is transferred? Or is that unfair?
- How do I emotionally handle the next 6-24 months when the desire is still there, and we have to keep seeing each other at work, but the context/timing won’t support a relationship?
- How can I stop thinking about him so much?
- I worry that some of our coworkers have noticed our dynamic. What concrete steps could I take to protect myself (and him) at work that wouldn’t escalate the situation or out either of us?
TL;DR – I fell for someone I work under and even though it’s something we both want, it doesn’t seem safe or wise to be together right now. I’m feeling helpless and a bit lonely, and would appreciate your insights.