Hi. I am 27F and my boyfriend is 28M. We have been together now for 3 years going on 4. We have lived together for 2ish years now and we have a puppy who I adore so much.
I recently found my boyfriend had been texting our friend’s wife [29F] for multiple days.
I will be referring to our friend as ‘A’ and his wife as ‘S’
My bf, A, and S, have all known each other for 10+ years and A and S have basically been together since then. I became friends with A and S once I started dating my bf. I got along with them super well and my bf was even their witness when they got married.
I have never been the type to want to manage who my bf is friends with and tbh I felt like I had nothing to worry about up until now. My bf and S had gone to a few concerts together because A was never a fan of S’s music but my bf was. S would ask him to tag along and he would. I’ve even gone to a few shows with my bf and S and we all had a good time and I never saw or felt that something sus was going on between them.
Recently my bf and S went to another show. I was invited to go but I didn’t know the band and I was wiped from work so I declined but insisted they still go. The day of the concert arrives and they go together. My bf comes home late, hugs me, we debrief and we go to bed. Nothing was out of the ordinary. The follow days I notice he’s texting more than usual but I don’t think anything of it because he’s always on discord arguing with his friends and I think a part of me didn’t wanna feed into my own delusions.
Some more days go by and I start to get this feeling like he’s hiding something. So I of course confront him. He eases my concerns and I feel these feelings in the pit of the stomach settle.
“ I have nothing to worry about” I thought.
Yesterday my bf had to have a small procedure done. I drove him there and before we went in, he gave me his phone and wallet. I’ve looked through his phone before and he’s never hesitated to give me his passcode so of course I’m alone in a waiting room and I need something to do to pass the time. Into the phone I go.
I swipe through apps, emails, pictures, etc. I wasn’t specifically looking for anything but maybe internally I was?
I open his messages app. Everything looks normal until something tells me to see what he’s recently deleted. I look at his recently deleted and see a number of messages between him and S. I recover the texts and start reading. I immediately feel my entire body heat up from head to toe. My bf and S are flirting. They’re going back and forth talking to each other, complimenting one another and every now and then the messages read more intense and more flirtatious. I start using my phone and taking picture of the messages. I want to cry but I hold it together until we get home.
Once we’re home I confront him. The man looks like he’s just seen a ghost. He’s wide eyed and pale in the face. He admits to everything and takes accountability. I ask him why and he says “I don’t know” but I just felt like that wasn’t a good enough answer. We go back and forth for some time. I say everything I need to say to him but the one thing that never came out of my mouth was “it’s over” and I just can’t understand why I didn’t end things? Is it maybe because deep down I don’t want to? Do I look like boo boo the fool if I stay with him knowing what he’s done? If he’s capable of doing this now will he do it again?
We built a life together. I moved away from my family and the place where I grew up to be with him. We live in a beautiful home and we’ve raised a puppy together. He has plans of proposing within the next year.
He told me he’s ending his 10+ years of friendship with both A and S and told me I’m more important. He went on about how much I mean to him and how he knows he fucked up. He sounded sincere but will I ever be able to actually accept his apology? I don’t know if I want to leave him. A part of me is saying I’m worth so much more but the other part is saying he has given me everything I have ever wanted in a relationship and is the man of my dreams.
What would you do in this situation?
Also… for those curious, A is aware of what his wife was doing and they had their own conversation but it seems to me like she just blamed my bf for the whole thing and when I tried to explain that yes my bf is to blame but so is his wife who reciprocated, he didn’t care to listen. I’ve told them both I don’t have any desire to be their friends. A has apologized for S but as of today it’s been radio silence from S.
Comments
What advice are you asking you should not be in a relationship with a cheater
Leave him. Consider it a blessing you’re not already married.
Same advice others are probably giving. Break up and move on.
This is a waste of time for everyone involved.
No “you are not more important” than those friendships. If you were more important he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. Maybe you are more important than friends but clearly not more important than him getting off with his friends wife. What kind of looser cheats with his best friends wife??? How awful!! That’s the ONE thing you do not do in friendships. Literally the bar is so low and he couldn’t even do that. If he could do that to his best friend, he will do it again to you with some random woman! He WILL do it again. Classic wanting to propose, that’s called love bombing to make you think this has all made him realize the good in him, it’s all bullshit, it’s all text book cheater. Please leave him. (Not an ad) listen to Christian Walker on Instagram. Time to put your crown back on queen 👑
I’m glad you trusted your gut feeling your gut is almost always right.
There is always a chance he could do this again considering he just did it. You could stay but there’s most likely going to be trust issues now and it could cause a lot of problems.
Leaving is your best option imo. But if you want to salvage the relationship it is do-able and a lot of work, and speaking from experience no it won’t ever be the same again.
If you don’t leave him, you’re basically saying there’s no boundary severe enough he can cross. Have some self respect and don’t sit there acting confused about what the next step is here. You leave and block him forever. Move on with your life.
Please look into the sunk cost fallacy and decide if you’re worth more than a dude who cheats with his good friends wife.
If your BF loved you he wouldn’t have felt the need to flirt with another woman. How do you trust someone again after something like that? For your own sake – take the puppy and leave.
Leave him. If you mattered to him that much, he wouldn’t have done it. If he gets away with a pass this time, he will think the same thing about next time. You don’t deserve to be treated like second place. It won’t be easy, I am guessing, but peace of mind is worth it.
I don’t know, it’s up to you. But he betrayed not just you, but his long term friend too.
Can you ever trust someone like that?
I’m sick of seeing shit like this. Rhetorical.
I mean, I don’t there’s anything anyone but yourself can say. It all comes down to whether you’re able to forgive him for this, compromise, and move past it, and if you trust him. You need to have very open conversation, and ask him everything you want to, clear any doubt that’s on your mind. If you can’t trust him anymore, I’d advise you to call it quits. You’d be living a life of torture. You deserve and you can find much better than that.
I don’t know the nature of their conversations ofc, but you know, and you’ll know what is too much.
Thinking deeply about, honestly, with his age, it’s difficult for him to change. And, perhaps since he’s known this woman for longer, he’s had these feelings for long. And that’s unacceptable.
So, perhaps I’ll change my first statement and say you that definitely you should leave that relationship.
But, in the end, only you know and can make the best decision for you.
Bang his dad
Leave. Nothing else to say, no explanation for me to give. Just leave.
Do you love him or the life you built.
He cheated.
That isn’t love. End of story.
You said you looked at his phone in the waiting room to “pass the time” so I thought you didn’t have your phone or something but then you started taking pictures with your phone sooo I’m not saying your bf isn’t to blame here but you definitely made the choice to go through his phone to look for something and you found it so ultimately when deciding what to do ask yourself what got you to the point of checking his phone in the first place.
“We’ve raised a puppy together”. Like that has any weight – you don’t have children and you’re not married. You don’t have much to lose here. You’re also only 27, is this really what you’re gonna settle for at such a young age? How will you ever trust this guy again? Not only did he break your trust, but also his best friend’s?! That’s extreme. I know narcissist gets thrown around a lot here, but I genuinely think he might be one.
There’s also a high possibility these two will contintue talking/he’ll end up cheating with her again and probably leaving you. So there’s no point to this anymore. How many times have you heard the classic story of catching a man cheating, he does his blubbery sob act/lovebombing act and girlfriend forgives him only for him to do it again. It’s a common occurance.
He will cheat again if you stay.
He has no reason why he cheated.
He’s ending a 10 yr friendship. 10 yrs because he’s cheating with one half of that friendship.
You are not foster care for broken men and this man needs to do some serious renovations on his integrity.
I read the title. You should break up with him, that’s what you should do.
Fucked the other husband for get backs and then leave
If you don’t know if you want to leave, then don’t. I feel like most people stay (70% of couples attempt reconciliation) until they are filled with resentment and then leave (5 years usually after d-day). That may be his karma, who knows? Or you could just end it. Either way, get your ducks in a row.
Thankfully it’s a puppy and not a child. So if you want to, you can cut ties completely and move on. Now it’s on you, can you look past this or are you now gonna be insecure forever about all his relationships- people at work, neighbours, other friends, insta followers. He made you insecure enough to go through his phone once. Once insecurity seeps in, there’s no limit to eat and it consumes the person who was betrayed. Would you want this kind of a relationship? I couldn’t live like that.